Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (556)

There are, amazingly enough, people who visit this site just to hear what I have to say. But there are just as many people who wouldn’t know me from John Jacob Jingleheimer Runcible, who visit this site because they’re Looking For Something. Their efforts make this Monday feature possible.

zippy loan spam:  Is the spam itself zippy, or just the loan?

scorching hot new starlet treasure barbie gets fucked:  And as usual, Ken gets squat.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their:  You know who deserves an apology? The teacher who gave away a specific source, but her students continue to Google for answers.

walmart optical:  A hint at our future Bentonville-centric existence.

taylor swift trouble:  Take a number. You’ll get your chance eventually.

taylor swift foreskin:  Take a scalpel. She’ll get to yours eventually.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics-decorations:  How much of a terror can it be at only 14.5 inches?

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Dropping like flies.

nudist lunch:  And for God’s sake, don’t forget the napkins.

it’s that time of year again, known locally as “pothole season.” each winter, harsh weather, snow plows, and salt on the roads work together to create potholes. now that the snow is melting, this year’s potholes are being revealed:  Which, remarkably, seem to be adjacent to last year’s potholes.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  You have to figure that none of the subjects have been overdoing the bratwurst.

lowest possible resolution:  1 x 1. Good quality, but not much detail.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Pure and simple misapprehension. Reporters do not permit themselves to have doubts when there’s a Sacred Narrative at stake.

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Strange search-engine queries (555)

Monday brings many things: sleepiness, grumpiness, and, for the last decade or so, a collection of search strings that caused this very site to show up on people’s Google/Bing/Whatever searches. (Note: This was done while I was sleepy and/or grumpy.)

626 rear wheel:  Be careful. They usually travel in pairs.

grassrootsmotorsports soccer moms revenge:  Jack Baruth swears he wasn’t there at the time.

unlikeable: the problem with hillary:  If that were all, then it wouldn’t be a problem.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Likely to get their own reality TV shows.

evisceration plague tab:  Available now as a Chrome extension.

bmw sos malfunction:  Supersedes the too-often-seen SOL malfunction.

singler:  But not as single as “singlest.”

shedshed:  Who is this really? Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson?

aaa travel guides free blog roll 2003:  You have to figure that they wouldn’t be worth much after 13 years.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  It keeps the researchers focused, and out of the kitchen hunting for snacks.

obama ineligible:  You should have come up with this long, long before.

is pure nudism illegal:  Check your local laws. (Because they’ll happily check you.)

5 day deodorant pads history:  Doesn’t really get interesting until about halfway through day 3.

what kind of shoes does ray donovan wear:  Yours. And don’t think you can stop him, either.

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Strange search-engine queries (554)

A couple of thousand people wander through here every week. Some are regulars, but more are simply passing through in search of various things. (“Everybody’s looking for something” — Eurythmics) The latter provide the material for this weekly feature.

staying sharp 13.1 answers:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be sharp.

paul peddler wants to purchase a bicycle costing $775. if he chooses to make 12 equal payments, then in dollars and cents the average payment will be:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be able to buy your own damn bicycle.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  I’ve always suspected that Beelzebub was trolling the place.

del gato clinic deposits all cash receipts on the day they are received and it makes all cash payments by check:  And then there’s the 98 percent of business that is filtered through insurance companies.

setterade:  The first sports drink for sporting dogs.

anon-v com/videos/93950/was-i-in-your-ass-i-think-so/:  I think we can safely assume that you’re not actually looking for a permanent relationship.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u.s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  It doesn’t matter, unless Dorothy is white.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:   #ThievesLivesMatter

fred flintstone is single and earns $40,000 in taxable income. he uses the following tax rate schedule to calculate the taxes he owes:  Excise tax on automotive brake pads: $0.00.

texas asshole massacre:  Obviously they never finished.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  Greek statues, I assume.

romantic soles:  This is what you claim to have when you disclose that you can’t afford Louboutins.

ghostbusters fail:  It is not relevant, however, that these women have no dick.

will blog for food:  Hope you’re not counting on dessert.

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Strange search-engine queries (553)

For today’s perfunctory labor, we’ll go through the logs and see if we can find anything remotely amusing in the search strings.

jailbait in pantyhose pics:  Well, that isn’t remotely amusing.

appointment definition:  If you have to ask, you should have seen the doctor many years ago.

life spice vital:  No Dune jokes, please.

the locations of the two caps at equilibrium are now as given in this figure. (figure 4) the dashed line represents the level of the water in the left arm. what is the mass of the water located in the right arm between the dashed line and the right cap?  This is what happens when you spend your time making up Dune jokes instead of doing your homework.

i cheated on my boyfriend with my ex yahoo answers:  Yeah, that fits the demographic.

how do i know if the baby is mine yahoo answers:  As does that.

nudist realtor:  No jokes about closing costs, please.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  I suspect this is a messy process.

to yell the truth:  If they ever update that game show, they’ll have to pump up the volume.

infosec taylor swift identity:  Until I have some reason to think otherwise, I will assume it’s Taylor Swift.

spell toilet:  It’s the one that’s always overflowing and nobody ever knows why.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:   Which of course they won’t read, because they’re spammers and therefore have neither technical skills nor anything resembling morals.

eva marie couldn’t “dress up” this unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on wwe smackdown live!  Hard up for wank material, are you?

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  Which made them overqualified for political office in 2016.

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Strange search-engine queries (552)

For the last few weeks — okay, the last ten years — we’ve been analyzing the search strings that led Web surfers to this domain, and posting the ones we deemed funny or inexplicable or downright weird.

helpappledevice@gmail.com:  Like Apple is gonna keep a Google account for support. You have been suckered.

which answer best describes the verb tenses in the sentence? while my dad brings the car around, i waited with the grocery cart. a. the verb tenses shift. b. the verb tenses are consistent:  What is consistent is your inability to put the cart back in the rack when you’re through.

aaa travel guide to las vegas blog roll 2003:  I should warn you that all the coupons have expired.

goose boobs:  Hey, take a gander at these!

when miriam noticed that a group of asian women in the cafeteria had an increased loudness or pitch to their speech, she assumed that they must be arguing. which of the following is she demonstrating?  Utter fealty to the patriarchy. As everyone knows, women are never loud or shrill.

eric cartman x male reader:  Not a ship I want to see launched.

burp collaborator server:  Provides four times the throughput for a given gas bubble.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  Including, for instance, the infamous burp collaborator server.

too much metamucil:  But … but fiber!

granny in stilettos:  She knows that the legs are the last to go.

sitwell and whippet:  The sight of granny in stilettos can be strangely, um, stimulating.

quoth the server 404:  Lenore’s been busy working on the backend, I see.

in jeff savage’s book on the 2005 number one pick for the nhl draft, what is the title of the second chapter beginning on page 10?  I’m thinking we can safely assume that you’re too late to enter this contest.

purple haze rule 34:  ‘Scuse me, while I kiss whoever or whatever shows up in the next 15 seconds.

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Strange search-engine queries (551)

Surely by now you’ve seen this before: we look at the search strings attached to various visits — yes, Virginia, your browser sends such things, although Google tends to encrypt them — and pick a few to mock on Monday morning.

open season mascots:  That explains the guys in costume running all over the place.

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  A brand-new Mini Cooper, because they’re just so gosh-darn cute.

joanna plans on hanging 3 pictures of different sizes on the wall of her staircase. she thinks it will look best if all 3 rectangular pictures are similar. the two sizes she has already are 25 in. by 35 in.and 35 in. by 49 in. which of the following is a possible size of the third picture?  Sofia used to search these things instead of doing her homework, which is why she makes only $700 a month.

during a long drive tony counted:  But sadly, he didn’t count for much.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  I hope someone swipes you off the face of the earth.

“bandwidth” -“amd” -“ghz” -“$” -“gpu”:  Sorry, your ping still sucks.

at sanger’s auto garage, 40% of the cars brought in for service need an oil change. of the cars that need oil changes, 30% also need a tire rotation. find the probability that a car that comes into the auto garage needs both an oil change and a tire rotation:  All of them. Sanger has a boat payment due.

my life is ruined yahoo answers:  Yep. That’ll do it every time.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire store has a 10-day warranty.

ex-yankee milf ~pounding the hell out of friend’s mom~:  Doesn’t sound like Jeter.

conjoined fanfiction:  Too many characters.

obama ineligible:  After 2016, anyway.

i want to book a hotel at universal orlando 10 april for one night plus two day park tickets:  Um, you’re doing it wrong.

drip advisor:  Is this pre- or post-nasal?

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Strange search-engine queries (550)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t, well, basically we’re going through the search strings that bring people to this site, and puzzling over some of them. Nothing more complicated than that.

foreskin puns:  Sorry, no tipping allowed.

ave maria waterpark and university within minutes of amreican discount pharmacy:  And they say convenience is dying.

“roto rooter” “slut”:  She’s busy having her lines run.

“feckful barged:”  I hate it when people barge in fecklessly.

first time naturists:  Easy to spot: typically, they’re the color of a bathroom sink in a pediatrician’s office.

used laredo fifth wheels for sale russellville ar:  The mind boggles that someone might have more than one.

dampnation:  Appropriate cuss word for when there’s 18 inches of rain.

michel thayer novel no verbs:  Because you know he’s all about those nouns — no actions.

knuckleheads san antonio:  Hey, that’s no way to talk about the Spurs.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to suck balls:  I think you have to have the Bonus Cartridge for that.

stardust rod animus:  Not to be confused with the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

granny in stilettos:  Hey, if she can walk in the darn things, more power to her.

whigged out:  That’s what they said when Zachary Taylor died in 1850.

too much metamucil:  And then there are those who never Metamucil they didn’t like.

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Strange search-engine queries (549)

It’s time once more to take a peek at the search strings, stacked up like so much digital cordwood in the corner of the server room, and see what it is that people are wanting to find out about.

“Posterior Cortical Atrophy”:  Should be on the bottom of your list of Favorite Diseases.

shrinking paper:  Something government agencies can simply not do.

extended weather forecast for ketchikan alaska:  Wicked cold for a while, and then not so much.

woot beer:  It’s a different brew every day.

a town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. the new road is wider, has smooth pavement, and flowering bushes have been planted along the roadside. compared to the road south of town, the new road gets very little use. this is because many of the residents work in:  One big brutalist building in the middle of town.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  Is it just me, or does this seem sort of contradictory?

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You mock the way he dresses, and he will be cross. Count on it.

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Not long for this world.

soggy cardboard rule 34:  Um, whatever floats your boat, though I guess that wouldn’t, would it?

oxpecker tupa:  Not the original name of Florida Georgia Line.

dongbats:  Past tense of “dingbats.” I hope.

naked bounce house:  Well, you could, I suppose, though you’ll want to go heavy on the Lysol before they come and pick it up.

cynthia tells daryl that she will deliver:  And Daryl, like a fool, believes her.

foreskin tumblr:  I hope they don’t have Infinite Scroll turned on.

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Strange search-engine queries (548)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t seen this before, well, this is a collection of search strings that in recent days produced actual search results from this site. What we don’t explain, of course, is why.

bill clinton penis size 5.5:  Um, more than a mouthful is wasted. Or something like that.

overlord of flies:  With my luck, it’s probably a mosquito carrying some disease.

moosejaw bus tours in nebraska:  Isn’t Moose Jaw in, like, Saskatchewan?

“expect more payless” “upskirt”:  And I thought I was bored.

a songwriter gets paid monthly at a rate of $150 for each song he completes. last month, he wrote 8 songs and got halfway through a 9th song. how much money was he paid last month?  $1200 for the songs he finished, plus 42 cents for streaming on Spotify.

superior potassium:  This K is definitely OK.

400 lb woman manatee snopes:  Oh, the huge manatee!

cynthia tells darryl that she will deliver his boxes of paradise cookies as he directs. a declaration that one will do something in the future is part of the definition of:  Political promises. Darryl’s cookies are going nowhere.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  You can see 40 seconds of the Super Bowl, but not during actual play.

“cheezit” “joint venture”:  I just wonder where the division of labor occurs.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire shop charged something close to market price.

what happens when you bite your tongue:  The rest of us are grateful.

mr. craven lacks imagination and is a complete conformist. with respect to the big five personality traits, mr. craven probably would score low on which of the following?  The hell with that. How do we get him on the Supreme Court?

a horrible experience of unbearable length:  But enough about the 2016 election.

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Strange search-engine queries (547)

People wander into this site from all over the place, and chances are they’re looking for something. And some of those somethings will make you shake your head.

rebecca black 19th birthday:  That was last month. And not on a Friday, either.

expired pamprin:  Still better than PMS. Take it.

feminism future:  Imagine half the world with bottles of expired Pamprin.

after hurricane katrina, cindy was found walking by the roadside. she could not remember how she got to this place. according to freud, the details of her experiences in the hurricane have been:  Brainwashed away.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  I don’t recall that particular setting in b2evolution.

how to turn off fpa lock on rca tv:  You’d figure by now the kids would have learned how to reset parental controls.

eccentricrich:  If they’re not rich, they’re merely weirdos.

disney™ frozen sisters forever soft sided rolling luggage:  Hold on to it. You don’t want to know what happens when you let it go.

black men white women sex:  Really, Mr Duke, you’re beating a dead horse.

etcetera etcetera etcetera:  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

unbaked lies:  Bake to an internal temperature of 165° before swallowing.

diaper sex tumblr:  Imagine Yahoo! paying a billion dollars to own stuff like that.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  I dunno. It sounds pretty orderly to me.

gypsy chickens:  It’s none of your damned business why they crossed the road.

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Strange search-engine queries (546)

We’re back, now with 20 percent less sickness!

pebkac earliest:  The moment there existed both keyboards and chairs, there existed the possibility of a problem between them.

mikes meadows science -2016 -2015 -2014 -2013 -2012 -2011 -2010 -2009 -2008 -2007 -2006:  So you’re saying you really want 2005?

kid gets caught jacking off in class viddy:  “Viddy”? What’s with the nadsat, chelloveck?

máster and (“negocio digital” or “negocio digital” or sem or “campañas adwords” or “google adwords” or “google analytics” or mobile or “mobile analytics” or “big data” or “analitica web” or analytics):  There’s gotta be a password around here somewhere.

milfs smoking:  Your mom would not approve. Believe me, I’ve asked her.

burned esophagus:  It happens when they smoke.

erin looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. she immediately feels her heart start to pound and simultaneously experiences fear. the theory that best explains this emotional response is:  The desire not to be flattened like an IHOP short stack.

kobe bryant defense:  Send in Jeremy Lin.

life is like that:  It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it.

cuttlefish of cthulhu:  It’s bait, Jim, but not as we know it.

how thick is earth:  Considering the number of people who think it ought to be controlled by ISIS, it must be very thick indeed.

reckful blue boobs:  Actually, that sounds pretty reckless to me.

i revel in being referred to as the grand patriarch! (elevate your hands skyward if your claims of being a lothario are verifiable.)  Please sit down and take your Xanax, Mr. Trump.

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Strange search-engine queries (545)

You know the drill: someone looked for it, and we made note of it here.

mazda SLI 16 valve engine pictures:  Not sure if motor porn or desperate DIYer.

black male model with huge penis in locker room:  Probably not a desperate DIYer.

apple store penn square mall make appointment:  Call the Genius Bar, genius.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to:  Due to memory limitations, he can muck out only one stable at a time.

used oldsmobile alero wright county minnesota:  Well, there certainly won’t be any new ones.

frolicme mr big:  Still hasn’t displaced “Rock Me, Amadeus.”

sprained ankle fetish:  I guess it would be harder for them to get away.

assholism definition:  If you need a definition, well, guess what?

sarah is testing how quickly saltwater freezes. she adds saltwater to one ice tray and plain water to another ice tray. she places each tray in the freezer and records the time when each one starts to freeze:  Meanwhile, her car has been low on coolant for 5,000 miles.

monothelitic dumbhead:  Opened for Finger Eleven back when F11 was still called “Rainbow Butt Monkeys.”

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Strange search-engine queries (544)

Am I too sick to do this? Let’s find out:

milfs for christmas”:  Well, it is July already.

welcome to stepford:  It’s like MILFs for Christmas!

“second life” “meghan’s” shemales:  A third life for some, perhaps.

ac burden benadryl:  Yeah, I just bet you do.

best smooth jazz radio station for commuting st paul mn:  I can’t imagine there being a second best.

as a testament to how bad smoking is, _____ of current smokers would like to quit:  All of them, once they find out they have to come up with the entire government budget.

garage di pasquali homecourt:  Yeah? Beat the Spurs first.

zero web hosting:  Buy it for someone you love.

“administer”:  Not the sequel to Yes, Minister.

pop tarts 2004:  Oh, criminy, throw those suckers away.

ricky the carnivorous pony:  I wouldn’t wish twelve-year-old Pop Tarts on that nag.

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Strange search-engine queries (543)

Once more, we pop the lid off last week’s visitors and try to figure out just what the heck they were looking for.

cooties übersetzung:  Cooties are like, well, cooties, man.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  $2000 new “customer cash” on Chevy Silverado.

mississippi goddam chords:  Read the farging sheet music.

bulldog smasher:  It’s not enough to smash pumpkins anymore.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:  Too many people think they can finish their homework by Googling the exercise questions.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  For instance, this one.

what is a primary source:  Hint: you’re not looking at one.

how siri ios rich voip mayo:  Siri might put up with that, but Cortana would kick your ass just for thinking it.

ghostbusters fail:  Well, that explains the dogs and cats living together.

brother jukebox sister wine:  And the second cousin winds up busing tables.

fingering doesnt work:  Perhaps you’re doing it wrong.

atomic groove girlz nite out, pt.1 happy hour, april 22:  I’d say there’s a reasonable possibility that someone was fingered.

i’m a loser yahoo answers:  One among thousands.

doel 3 tihange 2:  Walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth.

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Strange search-engine queries (542)

I have roamed the lands of Google,
I have scanned the hills of Bing,
Only to find these things,
Only to find these strings.
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

why did governor jim hodges support the establishment of a state lottery:  He figured if the state ran into budget difficulties, they could try to win the jackpot to take up the slack.

faruq spends all of his income on tacos and milkshakes. his income is $100, the price of tacos is $10, and the price of milkshakes is $2. if faruq purchases 10 milkshakes, he can purchase:  Never mind that. Who’s paying ten bucks for tacos?

run up an alley and holler fish:  Or tacos, since they’re only ten bucks.

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You gonna tell him he can’t? Because I’m not.

has morgan fairchild been nude:  I reveal no secrets about the woman I married.

mammalian protuberances:  I reveal no secrets about the woman I married.

400 lb woman manatee snopes:  I reveal no secrets about the woman you married.

upskirt diaper tumblr:  Um, keep your prurient interests to yourself, okay, pal?

evisceration plague tab:  Gosh, can I get that for my browser?

cynthia tells darryl that she will deliver his boxes of paradise cookies as he directs. a declaration that one will do something in the future is part of the definition of:  Foolhardiness, in this day and age.

how much is a rolls royce ghost:  To coin a phrase, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

foreskin circumcision:  Well, yeah, that’s where it’s done.

used kia chesterton:  Got rid of it because the distributist kept going out.

this evening on britain’s got talent we get to witness this lovely lady sing with her anus and she finishes her skit beautifully by inserting the mic deep in her singing hole:  Another showbiz asshole, I suppose.

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Strange search-engine queries (541)

Well, if it’s Monday morning, it must be time for SSEQ. (It has been for the past decade, give or take a few weeks.) If you’ve somehow managed to miss this feature, it’s easily explained: a lot of traffic comes from the major search engines, a little bit more from the minor ones, and sometimes they’re looking for things which make perfect sense. Those aren’t the ones that appear here.

is pure nudism illegal:  I’m not even sure if it’s pure.

badge aztek hack:  You can hack the badge any way you like, but everyone will still know you’re driving an Aztek.

in the following scenario, which maxim is not being observed? david: so we climbed behind the waterfall, and there was this huge cave. it was amazing! zooey: that cloud looks like a bunny. david: what?  That’s funny, I don’t remember ever seeing Zooey in Maxim, and surely I’d remember something like that.

“high performance, delivery” “upskirt”:  Standards for wank material acquisition? Unpossible!

conjoined fanfiction:  Is this Rule 34 or 68?

why she stopped loving me:  She found out you were reading Siamese-twin porn.

pantyhose diaper tumblr:  Well, at least it isn’t Siamese-twin porn.

willie worker put in 42 hours last week at the widget factory. his base pay is $8.00 per hour and he gets time-and-a-half for any hours beyond 40:  And then they raised the minimum wage to $15 and replaced Willie with a Widgetization Module™.

achocolic:  Drunk surfing at its finest.

bite me urban dictionary:  And what did they ever do to you?

how much does berkelium cost:  Considering that world production in the last half-century is only a couple of grams, I think we can safely say that if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

bialystock and bloom political consultants:  Best remembered for the song “Springtime for Donald.”

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  Projection. Now get off my lawn.

who gets a 1099:  You get a 1099! And you get a 1099! Everybody gets a 1099!

swiftonsecurity doxxed:  Cortana, even as we speak, is dealing with the attempted “doxxer.” It will not be pretty when it’s over.

Addendum: I made reference to this last item yesterday, and got this for my trouble:

Hey, that’s what was asked for, and I gotta type ’em the way I see ’em. (The presumably pseudonymous Mr Kikesburg’s main purpose in life, judging by his timeline, is to object to that double X. Then again, I’ve seen worse.)

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Strange search-engine queries (540)

Until the dog days of summer get here, it’s cool for cats to peer into their logs and see what kind of stuff those mysterious tall bipeds have been looking for. Sometimes it’s even amusing.

garden state cable tv wpix-tv 11 new york schedule for june 1973:  Oh, did you get one of those new time-traveling DVRs?

in recent years, political commentators have lamented that the cultural and political divide between the so-called “red states” and their blue counterparts has become a chasm. technological advances such as the information superhighway and, more recently, social media have only exacerbated this trend:  Although the main contributor to this phenomenon is the desperate attempt by political commentators to get paid for something.

waiting for universal lawn care:  And we’ll end up with a two-tier structure, the insured paying a $50 copay, the uninsured being soaked for whatever the market will bear.

http://www.microsoftshitbrick.com/:  We told you you ought to install Windows 10.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  You can watch forty-five seconds of Super Bowl LI.

a woman, alone in a house, ignores the creaking sounds she hears and experiences no stress. another woman might hear the same sounds, suspect an intruder, and thus become alarmed. these different reactions illustrate the importance of:  Xanax.

foreskin puns:  Protip: don’t tell foreskin puns.

angelica is an unpaid homemaker who works as a volunteer at the local red cross and is currently not looking for a paid job. the bureau of labor statistics counts angelica as:  Whatever it takes to make the numbers look good that month.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Most of which you’ve already bookmarked, am I right?

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  A real asshole, inasmuch as he put the side fence two yards over Holland’s property line.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  “O’Reilly Factor.”

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You get Russ on camera, he’ll be cross, dressed or not.

gypsy chickens:  They cross the road, and they owe you no explanation why.

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Strange search-engine queries (539)

And yet again, it’s time for a romp through the search strings that brought people to this site, possibly the very people with fake medical-alert bracelets that say “Delete My Browser History.” (Hey, you never know, right?)

cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. the cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning that each soda has a 1/6 probability of winning. cody sees this and buys six of these sodas, thinking he is guaranteed a seventh. what is the true probability he will win at least one more soda?  How long has this guy been in Congress?

what are transmission problems:  What you have when your car won’t shift gears and you can’t understand why, it’s always done them before.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  And she said, “Geez, this is worse than transmission problems.”

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base. this was an example of:  Why you pay so much more for free-range birds.

oppression definition:  “They have it, and I want it, and they should be compelled to give it to me.”

i was batman:  Sure you were, old fellow. Sure you were. Now take two of these and call me in the morning.

curry airball:  It happens, but not often enough.

“roto rooter” “nude”:  I don’t think I’d want to risk getting any of that yucky stuff on me.

down at the heels:  Not the ideal place for your thong, at least on the street.

birthday nudist:  Hence the phrase “birthday suit.”

al gore keeping the dream alive:  Not a problem; the earth has never come close to running out of suckers.

dick owns a dog whose barking annoys dicks neighbor jane. suppose that the benefit of owning the dog is worth $700 to dick and that jane bears a cost of $500 from the barking. assuming dick has the legal right to keep the dog, a possible private solution to this problem is that:  Dogs should not be owned by dicks.

how early can i refill my klonopin:  This is what happens when you take three or four at a time.

canned hate:  Now largely supplanted in the marketplace by canned whoopass.

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Strange search-engine queries (538)

This feature appears every week at approximately this time, in lieu of New Content. Its components: search strings extracted from the traces left by recent visitors to this site, and aimless grumbling contributed by yours truly.

how much is the oklahoma lottery:  Starts at a dollar, ends at the poorhouse.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  You want some Anglo-Saxon, I’ll show you some goddamn Anglo-Saxon.

mammalian protuberances:  Or “boobs,” if you prefer Anglo-Saxon.

perverse adolescent lesbo seduces eastern milf:  At some point, boobs were a factor.

superheroine trapped:  Some heroines are more super than others. (Hint: boobs are not a factor.)

georgian politicians private life (sex, oral, anal, orgy total of 12:42 minutes:  Well, you’re not picky, are you?

what to do when being followed:  Follow back, or block.

hardest pullout position:  For some reason, we’ve never been able to persuade American forces to withdraw from the District of Columbia.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day rectum:  No, I wouldn’t, asshole.

why did kevin klutz give up tap dancing:  Um, he fell down a lot?

why can’t i sleep at night yahoo answers:  Were I as dumb as those yobbos, I’d probably have sleepless nights of my own.

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:   See the article “Second Trump Administration.”

clothed nudist:  How would you know?

a field guide to awkward silences:  [crickets]

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Strange search-engine queries (537)

Every Monday morning we shake the dew off the lily, wash and dry, and then sort through a thousand or so log entries, looking for the inspirations of people out there who are looking for things. Some of the things they look for — well, take a look for yourself:

+meaning of are you in to big titis or a huge ass:  If you have to ask, you’re not going to encounter much of either.

2016 hyundai azera spanish fork:  Optional when you order the Romance Languages Flatware option ($295).

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  A desperate plea for extra credit.

warren spends all his income on dvds and beer, currently consuming three dvds and ten beers. suppose the price of beer rises. we can infer that:  Warren will switch to Neflix and hopes to be able to chill.

bonds womens pantyhose 70d opaque electric blue average/tall:  Okay, you have my attention. Unless you’re talking about Bobby Bonds.

when bob noticed a pain in his thigh, he was convinced it was a sign of bone cancer. although x-rays revealed no sign of cancer, bob sought the opinions of a dozen other physicians who agreed with the original opinion. what:  Bob did not know is that eleven of those doctors were out of network and he was billed for $63,000.

tg://resolve?domain=stalin_gulag:  For some reason, the Solzhenitsyn function has fallen into desuetude.

bratty sisters converted to sex bots:  You have more faith in contemporary debrattification techniques than I do.

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  The sort of person who forgets to pay his property taxes for three years and ends up on the street drinking RoundUp.

gigger bites:  “Gigger”? Please.

barely-melted capacitor:  Connect the power supply just one more time. Let’s see if we can melt that sucker for good.

i love her yahoo answers:  Wait until you find out the reason why she was posting as Anonymous.

which one is beavis:  The one who looks more like Ted Cruz.

powered by gossamer links perversity:  Is that the new name for Tumblr?

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Strange search-engine queries (536)

Data-acquisition methods have changed somewhat over the ten years we’ve been doing this feature, but the motivation remains exactly the same: find out what people are searching for, and make fun of it whenever possible.

are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree:  You wanna try telling a goat it can’t go up a tree?

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of pornography. he gives endless examples of smut he has seen in movies and on television, and spends a lot of time hanging around porno houses to get even more examples:  And his right palm is covered in coarse, sticky hair.

unmitigatedly cute 18y.o. virgin skinny young teen & compacted breast strip:  That you, Mark?

10000 leagues under my nutsack:  No, maybe that’s Mark.

definition of a nerve:  Whatever it is, Mark’s got a lot of it.

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base:  Perhaps if you built a road perpendicular to the base path.

oldest known board game: Um, Great-Uncle Wiggily?

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  To buy a brand-new car, because, by golly, she deserves one.

barista salaries:  I hope they make more than Sofia.

relative silence:  Most people’s relatives are anything but silent.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink, 6 blue, 7 orange, 9 yellow, and 3 green marshmallows. he picked one of the marshmallows from the bag:  And somewhere, a leprechaun died.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy rectum:  Not here, you won’t.

meghan trainor tongue:  Her tongue is No. (You need to let it go.)

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Strange search-engine queries (535)

This weekly feature looks for the best of recent search strings that brought Web surfers to this site — and, of course, promptly discards them in favor of the worst.

used datsun whitfield for sale:  Whitfield? Is that like a Sentra?

what kind of sexy, audacious, political, scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times?  Yeah, right. “Sexy” is about as “audacious” these days as the weather report in San Diego.

“lowe’s” “smut”:  Some of those tools have, um, power.

matt derives all of his utility from consuming milkshakes; he devotes his entire $20 allowance to milkshakes each week. suppose the price of milkshakes rise from $2 to $4. compute matt’s equivalent variation (ev) of this price increase:  Trust me, there will be blood.

martha’s milkshake company buys earthquake insurance from the stable ground insurance company. based on this purchase, economists would conclude that:  Matt has been drinking her milkshake, and hang the price.

jane’s candy shack was a quaint shop, in a small town, with high end items that never attracted many customers. its failure was probably attributable to failure to:  Offer milkshakes at half price.

water cooled smartphone:  Probably not intentionally so.

j has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. while trimming the hedges, j cuts off one of his fingers. what is the maximum j will receive from his policy?  The insurance company will happily give him the finger.

a horrible experience of unbearable length:  The next political debate.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly. if she succeeds in this and similar endeavors, this will help her to:  Break her fool neck.

my gummy bear dies my unicorn ran away:  But you still have Bernie.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  A couple of unexpected prom invitations.

fingering doesnt work:  Geez, and I thought I was inept.

lino’s grandmother always said, “feed a fever; starve a cold.” why would it be advisable to increase calories when experiencing a fever?  Well, fingering doesn’t work.

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Strange search-engine queries (534)

As a general rule, Google and its ilk will not send you more than 1000 results for any given search. Despite this rule, it’s relatively easy for a search to end up here, there being six million words or so to choose from. All of these somehow did:

German lass Milf Patriarch sleeps with teen boyish sub subsequently game:  I can’t help but think we’re not getting the whole story here.

bobby stole money from the local grocery store on the corner to buy beer. he later assaulted a 72-year-old woman and stole her purse. in the alley, he dumped the purse, went to starbucks for a cup of coffee, and proceeded to take the train to the suburbs. on the train, someone stepped on his shoes:  And Bobby shot him, because oppression.

“like”, “um”, and “you know” are all examples of:  Whatever.

what should i do with my life:  While you still have time, spend some of it away from the keyboard.

during a long drive, tony counted the number of pickups and sedans he saw driving in the opposite direction. after a while, he noticed that on average there were 5 sedans for every 2 pickups. at this ratio, how many sedans would he have counted if he had passed 18 pickups?  Evidently Tony was not in Texas, where pickups outnumber sedans about five to one.

microwaveable pork rinds where to buy:  Probably not in Qatar. Yet.

mike bought 200 shares of pdq stock on margin at $15/share. the stock increased to $21/share. what was mike’s profit?  Under Bernie Sanders’ tax plan, 53 cents.

darth vader water pipe:  “I have altered the flow. Pray I do not alter it further.”

mine flex:  Well, at least somebody’s do.

brother jukebox sister wine:  Part of the extended family of Uncle Kracker.

3.39 inches:  Current Tinder value of “seven inches.”

definition of delayed gratification:  I’ll tell you later.

crummier definition:  You can’t get much crummier than that.

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Strange search-engine queries (533)

It is often (for various definitions of “often”) asked, “What would Monday be like without strange search-engine queries?” The answer, of course, is “It’s Monday; it’s going to suck, because that’s what Mondays do.” Hasn’t stopped us from compiling the queries, though, nor will it.

list of animals with fraudulent degrees:  I never could understand how Wile E. Coyote became an official Super Genius.

itunes skips to next song halfway through:  Maybe it couldn’t stand listening to that first song.

walmart tunnels snopes:  Hadn’t heard that one, though I dream of some day seeing a Sam’s Club built atop an active volcano.

ivan just spent an evening watching:  And if Svetlana ever found out, she would have him reported to the secret police.

during her speech on creating a healthier environment, maureen stated that more laws should be in effect to protect the environment because her town had a littering problem. which fallacy was maureen demonstrating?  The one that supports the idea that covering the countryside with signage will somehow motivate people to stop throwing their burger wrappers out of the car window.

used kia optima chesterton:  Somehow I can’t see Chesterton driving a Korean automobile; he always struck me as the Ford Popular type.

georgian politicians private life (sex, oral, anal, orgy total of 12:42 minutes): Tblisi. (Which is Georgian for “Giggity.”)

why did kevin klutz give up tap dancing answers:  He fell down a lot?

microwaveable pork rinds where to buy:  I’m guessing this request didn’t come from the United Arab Emirates.

hot water heaters:  If you already have hot water, why would you need to heat it?

rah rah ree kick em in the knee origin:  Chaucer, from The Cheerleader’s Tale.

almost me:  If this is you, you have a problem.

schoolmarmish dress:  “What is not being worn by Lady Gaga?”

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Strange search-engine queries (532)

Last Saturday, this site celebrated (sort of) its twentieth anniversary; this particular feature began about halfway through those two decades. The format is pretty much unchanged: find search strings that brought people to the site, and make fun of them if at all possible. Fortunately, there’s enough traffic — and there are more than enough wackos out there — to make this task relatively simple most of the time.

discreet search engine:  Oh, come on, you’re taking all the fun out of this.

bonds womens pantyhose 70d opaque electric blue average/tall:  If nothing else, this tells you that fetishists can be awfully darn specific.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule, superstar achievers are distinguished by their _____:  Prodigious genitalia.

david ruffin memes:  My whole world ended the moment you read this.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy unservicing:  I do this every week. When are you guys gonna quit servicing me?

artillery shell cases for sale:  I suppose they’d be pretty tricky to rent.

cool to be a fool:  This year, we must be experiencing the arrival of a glacier.

inseams on pants:  You notice nobody ever asks about the outseams.

police stole my car feliz navidad:  Well, you’re certainly taking it well.

wp-config.php i need to find a gas station:  And what better place to find a gas station than in a text file full of PHP instructions?

fourbucks:  Formerly the price of two bottles of Two-Buck Chuck.

batman bill:  Surely several million a year, which Bruce Wayne pays without complaint.

my life is ruined yahoo answers:  Yeah, that’s the way it happens. You start trolling to get recognition, and before too long you’ve told the entire world that you’re too stupid to live.

in 2004, congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 provisions for tax breaks to groups such as restaurant owners, hollywood producers, and nascar track owners. this is an example of the:  Way things are, always have been, and probably always will be.

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Strange search-engine queries (531)

Google and Yahoo! and Bing, oh, my. A hefty proportion of this site’s traffic comes from search-engine users, and based on the evidence I see each week, they have no shame. Which is why you see this each week.

Bansay leaves benifits for sinusitis:  Hmmm. Didn’t see that at CVS.

this question is a means of preventing automated form submissions by spambots:  See how well it works?

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  Get him slapped by the first woman he attempts to treat in this manner.

firm forceful femmes:  Don’t even think about trying to molest them.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc.:  There are other developers, but most of them have shown signs of discontent.

printer nazi:  No toner for you!

karl malden nose disease:  It’s just a temporary enlargement. No one will ever even notice.

i can’t stop jacking off yahoo answers:  And yet it never, ever comes to a close.

revolting door:  There’s one on every door on K Street, where the regulators and the regulated become mutually parasitical.

“high performance, delivery” “upskirt”:  This is not, incidentally, why they call it “broadband.”

mine flex:  Some people will brag about anything.

jerry garcia licks:  He also might sniff now and then.

in the 1920s when women’s hemlines reached the knee, an exposed female leg was considered erotic. today an exposed leg is less likely to elicit such a response. this is an example of emotional responses _____ caused by repeated to exposure:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have an emotional response to lack of said exposure.

crummier definition:  What you’re likely to find in those discount dictionaries at the dollar store.

chaz michael michael:  A distant cousin of the late Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

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Strange search-engine queries (530)

Yep, here we are, back at the old stand, trying to figure out just what brings people to this site, and reporting on the explanations we find least explicable.

529:  No, that was last week. This week is 530.

and the ursines remain on the sylvan glades:  And probably taking a dump thereupon.

if anamarie’s parents send her to a(n) _____ school instead of a public school to enhance her learning, they are probably doing it because the standards may be higher than local public schools:  Um, “expensive”?

“td bank” “erotic”  Well, compared to Scotiabank, anyway.

perverse adolescent lesbo seduces eastern milf:  It happened just outside a branch of TD Bank.

mcgyver is faced with the problem of opening a safe with 10 buttons numbered from 0 to 9. the safe can be opened by pressing three buttons, not necessarily distinct, in correct order. what is the probability that mcgyver will hit the right combination?  100 percent, even if the numbers have been obscured by time and dust and the safe itself is covered with scorpions. You never bet against MacGyver.

opposite of bondage:  Blofeldage?

damascus girls:  You can’t be Syrias.

we’re gonna get married randy newman:  Unless, of course, you’re Short People.

pictures of wastes:  A waste is a terrible thing to mind.

evisceration plague tab:  We’ve been trying to get Google to add this to Chrome for years now.

toe tales:  See, for instance, Parliament’s “Agony of Defeet,” a classic toe-jam session.

where do grape nuts come from:  Kroger, aisle seven.

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Strange search-engine queries (529)

The premise here is pretty simple, really. A lot of people land here, not because they wanted to, but because their particular search strings happened to match up with something offered here. (With roughly six million words on the premises, it’s difficult not to land here.) Once a week, we look at those search strings, and pray for something amusing to be contained therein. Sometimes it even works.

catholicism and ursines:  In general, the Pope is Catholic, and a bear shits in the woods — never the other way around.

what should i do with my life:  Well, you have very little chance of becoming Pope, and essentially no chance of becoming a bear.

“roto-rooter” “slut”:  You like the drain auger, do you?

“special k” “incompetent”:  Then I guess it isn’t all that Special, is it?

robert stacy mccain twitter:  Not lately; they threw him off.

“ok time to stop those pesky spammers” ~oncological:  Spam, just like a cancer, grows.

russell westbrook suspension:  Judging by the way he moves, I suspect he’s strut-based.

meghan trainor tongue:  Because, you know, she’s all about that lick. (No sucking.)

hot pockets how to cook:  Did they stop printing the instructions on the box?

mr 18 inches and the first timers:  Eighteen inches? That’s remarkable. How big’s his wiener?

done in 60 seconds: That’s what they say about Mr 18 Inches.

batman bill:  Roughly 1.6 percent of the GDP of Gotham City is derived from repairing damage caused by Batman.

ted cruz brony:  In which case Donald Trump is clearly Discord.

the girl with the thorn in her side:  Working title for Megyn Kelly’s new book.

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Strange search-engine queries (528)

Please note: due to destructive and inexplicable government policy, an hour of time that could have been spent on this project was totally wiped out. I expect things to improve in a week or so.

“feminist airplanes” “feminist engineers”:  Due to the wisdom of the latter, the former now have better rest rooms — don’t they?

beyonce strom:  I doubt they ever met, though Strom lived long enough to have been able to hear some early Destiny’s Child.

the planned extermination of an entire race of people is known as:  Politics as usual.

conservative search engine:  In vain will you search for any conservatism in this election year.

jane says her cousin is big boned:  Which is perfect for this election year, in which we are all pretty much boned.

wevenues:  Paid by Wome to Pontius Pilate upon the welease of Woger.

how much does berkelium cost:  There being maybe one gram of the stuff produced nationwide in the last half-century, I’d say it’s probably more expensive than Hewlett-Packard printer ink.

ill pay you to get naked:  And I thought I was hard up.

us bank won’t reverse overdraft:  They got their $39 fee, therefore all is right with the world.

in jeff savage’s book on the 2005 number one pick for the nhl draft, what is the title of the second chapter beginning on page 10?  You didn’t buy the book? What the hell is wrong with you?

this evening on britain’s got talent we get to witness this lovely lady sing with her anus and she finishes her skit beautifully by inserting the mic deep in her singing hole:  Come to think of it, what the hell is wrong with you?

three methods for getting your name on the primary ballot of a party include: lobbying declaration of candidacy declaration of candidacy plus paying a fee purchasing the right from the precinct captain petition:  Not to mention claiming to be rich as Croesus.

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of:  People being turned loose on search engines without supervision.

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Strange search-engine queries (527)

“Come Monday,” Jimmy Buffett sang, “it’ll be all right.” I’m not so sure. Maybe this sample of search strings might help.

i want my boyfriend back:  In the meantime, though, let’s watch your reputation become tattered.

mr. gander has long been distressed by frequently recurring urges to enter areas of department stores displaying women’s undergarments in order to become sexually aroused. his experience is most indicative of:  Needing a swift kick in the balls.

what do longer periods mean:  Frightened women.

cuttlefish of cthulhu codpiece:  Which will frighten them even more.

suppose that, at an official ticket price of $480, there are 6,000 justin timberlake fans wanting to attend his concert, but only 4,000 ticketed seats are available. which one of the following statements is then true?  C. There are more Justin Timberlake fans than you ever imagined.

saddam hussein body doubles:  Look nothing like Justin Timberlake.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day heracles:  Maybe later, after I get these frigging stables cleaned out.

cootie shot:  Provides only temporary immunity from someone who has cooties.

debbie gibson playboy pictorial:  I can assure you, she didn’t have cooties.

you are dispatched to a residence where a middle-aged man was found unconscious in his front yard. there are no witnesses who can tell you what happened. you find him in a prone position; his eyes are closed and he is not moving. your first action should be to:  Get off his lawn. You know the rules.

bee stung lips:  For best results, use genuine bees.

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times:  The Presidential aspirations of Donald J. Trump.

3.39 inches:  Sorry, we allow only one Trump joke per episode.

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