The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

23 October 2002

The Empire strikes out

For the fifth consecutive week, Dr Dinah Dienstag, coming to you through the good offices of Cinderella Bloggerfeller, scores big. It's almost a shame to excerpt bits and pieces, but this one is a must:

Most idiotarians think of themselves as revolutionaries. But what they really want are comfortable, expected revolutions — the sort a hamster goes through on its treadmill every day. All their hard talk is really a soft pillow to rest their heads on to save them from the pain of thinking. Things have to be carefully marked with signals identifying them as innovative' and 'rebellious'. For instance, all revolutionary art has a duty to resemble what Marcel Duchamp was doing ninety years ago and we know when a film is 'avant-garde' because it has lots of 'far-out' camera angles and looks like it has been edited by a hyperactive toddler. In rock music, the logic of many 'cutting-edge' bands seems to be: "The Velvet Underground were original. If we copy them, then we'll be original too."

No need for me to read Rolling Stone anymore. But Dinah has bigger fish to shoot:

[T]he USA might be the most influential country in the world, admittedly, but idiotarians credit it with powers so wide-ranging, so omnipotent, omniscient and malevolent that even Beelzebub would demur and think: "Hang on, that's a bit overambitious".... America’s fiendish power is due to the fact that it is a metaphorical empire which, in idiotarian terms, makes its influence unstoppable. Every Barbie doll is a new Amritsar massacre. We can’t escape from its baleful tentacles because they are inside US (that’s right, because what does US spell? Aha! I've proved my point).

But anti-American imperialism just wouldn’t be fun without a metaphorical colony for the metaphorical empire. Lucky we have Israel at hand, a functioning democracy and a functioning economy in the middle of general Third World underachievement which automatically makes it evil. Israel is a colonialist cancer responsible for all the Arab world’s problems. The high birthrate in Egypt, the unemployment in Morocco, the civil war in Algeria, the lack of democracy in Iraq, Syria's occupation of Lebanon (oops! We never mention that in polite society), all, all are the responsibility of Israel’s occupation of less than 1% of Arab land. And by blaming Israel we can conveniently get one in at America.

Had we both the omniscience and the omnipotence — never mind the malevolence — with which we are credited, surely by now we would have stretched forth a mighty hand (it shouldn't take more than one) and reduced the squabbling "majority" in the Levant to a tapestry of protein traces on the sand. The fact that this hasn't happened doesn't seem to impress anyone.

(Or maybe it did happen and the Zionists who control the media didn't tell us about it. Damn.)

Posted at 8:01 AM to Political Science Fiction