30 October 2002
It's what's up front that counts
The only way through this is to quote it directly:
A Japanese doctor is making a titillating claim: The size of a woman's breasts exposes her true character.
Dr. Mitsugu Shiga tells the Mainichi Daily News that extensive examinations of cleavage suggest that women's personalities fall into three boob types.
Flat-chested women like Debra Messing and Gwyneth Paltrow are quick thinkers but really aren't into sex except to please their man.
Meanwhile, Shiga says large-breasted ladies like Dolly Parton or Pam Anderson "have the sturdiness of an ox" and a positive attitude towards life.
But bigger isn't necessarily better.
Shiga says the perfect breast protrudes 2.16 inches from the chest and claims women blessed with these boobs are straightforward, sexy but sometimes go off "in their own little world."
As a practicing (well, actually, out of practice) leg man, I should pay no attention to this, but a few of these assertions demand a response.
In the first place, Pamela Anderson's bust size has gone up and down more than the Nasdaq, what with old implants being replaced by new implants and God knows what other sorts of tweaking going on; the only thing one can reasonably assume about Her Pamness is that she has a fairly high credit limit. (These things ain't cheap.)
And I suspect, based on having heard too many songs and having once read her autobiography, that Dolly Parton would have essentially the same personality if she had a B-cup.
Gwyneth's and Debra's sexual proclivities are unknown to me, and probably to Dr Shiga as well, but I assume their names were thrown in for, um, balance.
My own experience in this realm is too limited to be statistically significant additional research is, alas, extremely unlikely but I tend to believe that women generally would benefit more from stuffing their brains than from stuffing their bras.
Now if Dr Shiga wants to extrapolate about the male half of the species based on, say, penis length, well, that's a tale for another time.