The argument for them starts out with one foot on a banana peel and the other on a fast freight. On the one foot, it maintains, speeding and red-light infractions are so serious they need 24/7 enforcement with an unblinking eye. On the other, they're so insignificant that we needn't bother with the usual constitutional niceties such as right to a trial and innocent until proven guilty and the right to be confronted by your accuser.

Just send in your check, and don't bother us with your sniveling "yes, buts."

If reducing violations were really the point, then D.C. would follow the example of nearby Fairfax County, Virginia, which chopped red-light running to less than 1/10th its former rate at the corner of U.S. 50 and Fair Ridge Drive. The miracle was accomplished by lengthening the yellow to 5.5 seconds from 4.0. No civil rights were trampled in the process.

But there was a casualty. With citations dropping to less than one a day, the ticket machine is a total wreck.

Our test car sported the optional Hella roof-top spotlights ($395) that resemble Lucifer's horns. Using these lights while the car is in motion is illegal approximately everywhere, such that someone's crack legal team ordered them wired to illuminate only when the hand brake is engaged. The lights do flip flat, though, so you can shine them through the sunroof and directly down your girlfriend's blouse. Plus, they remain blazing even when the engine's off, affording you an excellent opportunity to sample the entire line of Sears Die-Hards.

It does strike us, however, that cuteness — a property the Baja flaunts like Larry King wears shoulder pads — is a trait that robust American males do not expect to find in their trucks. A cute truck is like a jockstrap with floral embroidery. A cute truck is like a riding mower with a spice rack. Like cuddling after sex. Possibly you get the idea.