The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

26 July 2003

I go to pieces

After two weeks of up, up, UP! it was inevitable that I should crash and burn, though I really didn't expect it under this particular set of circumstances. I should have known I was in trouble when I heard myself saying "I need a drink"; I never say that. But that was about six hours ago.

Now jump ahead four hours. We were about an hour and a half into a reasonable karaoke set — I kept my mouth shut, which was one of the factors contributing to its reasonableness — when suddenly I was seized with the urge to throw myself at the nearest bridge abutment.

Anxiety attacks, as regular readers know, are nothing new with me. I'd managed to go for a while without upsetting the demons, but this time they would not be denied. And there's no explanation for it: the music was good, the company was upbeat, SWINTBN was as gorgeous as I've ever seen her, and yet something inside of me wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Maybe it's the knowledge that the Tour is almost over. Maybe it's the knowledge that it will be two years, maybe longer, before I see her again (if I ever see her again). Maybe it's just the fact that it had been 27 hours since my last tranquilizer. But whatever the reason, I totally lost it, and the only good thing about the experience is that not everyone got to see it.

I hope to have better news on tomorrow's Tour report. But I'm not counting on it.

Posted at 11:05 PM to General Disinterest

Hang in there. Enjoy the moment.

Posted by: Dawn at 6:01 AM on 27 July 2003

Charles: Ouch...I know about those anxiety attacks all too well. Adding a small daily dose of Paxil to my daily intake about 16 months ago has helped considerably...but moving to Montana has had just as big of an impact.

You have my sympathy - or would it be empathy?

Posted by: David at 11:38 AM on 27 July 2003

You have my empathy, too. Traveling always seems to bring out my worst attacks. I keep xanax with me at all times. Just knowing I have it around often helps.

Posted by: Mark at 12:23 PM on 27 July 2003

Y'all too, eh?
I agree with Mark. Having something around to take helps a lot. Even if you don't actually take it.

Posted by: Kathy K at 6:30 PM on 27 July 2003