The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

18 August 2003

Last train to Splitsville

Tiger would like you to know that it's possible to kick a marriage to death with a single pair of size-six Manolo Blahniks:

I generalize, and there are sometimes good reasons to divorce, but in my divorce practice, it is the woman who files the divorce action more often than not and the reason most often given as the reason for her action: "I am just not happy anymore." Women are less choosy about the men they get involved with than were our grandmothers and their mothers and their mothers before them and seem to continually be looking for some reason not to be happy. Men have not changed; men will never change. Men are a bunch of sex-crazed dogs who will try to charm the pants off of any gal. They can be domesticated, but never tamed.

I don't hate women. I could never hate that lovely curvaceous gender than provides life and emotion to an otherwise bleak and lonely world. I just wish they would not work so hard to blur the line between what is expected and what is reality in the male/female equation.

Am I afraid of marriage? No, but I am very, very afraid of marrying the wrong woman.

I'm not so sure that women are less choosy in this day and age; if they truly were less selective, surely they'd be lined up on my porch more than none deep.

More to the point, we all have romantic delusions, and one of the worst of them is expecting the other person to meet every conceivable emotional need we may have. We marry, and we think all of our troubles are over, all of our fears assuaged. In practice, this lasts about thirty-six hours at most.

Similarly, the woman who believes she can change a man will likely merely exchange him for another.

I've already figured that there isn't anyone for me, but this isn't because women have fluctuating levels of pickiness or because I'm some sort of "sex-crazed dog"; it's because marriage ultimately is a transaction, and I have very little of value to bring to the proceedings.

And if you approach the altar with more than the usual degree of trepidation, perhaps you might be better served by the Lewis Grizzard system: "I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

Posted at 9:41 AM to Table for One

TrackBack: 9:23 PM, 19 August 2003

me thinks that the criteria for what constitutes a good man shifts, merely being loyal, kind and a good partner may not be enough.

who knows...

Posted by: bruce at 10:42 AM on 18 August 2003

Charles, I could go on about this subject for days, and sometimes I do, but I'll try to be good here at your digs.

Marriage ought not to be viewed as some sort of super-recreation. Nor ought a spouse to be regarded as an accessory, expected to increase one's sense of fulfillment or happiness, and to be discarded if he doesn't.

One marries, rationally, to start a family. One ought to be completely committed to that undertaking before even speculating about marriage. Sex is too readily available for anyone to get married merely to secure the services of a bed partner.

All right, all right. Maybe sex isn't that readily available to everyone. (It's not that readily available to me, but then, I look like Gollum on a bad hair day.) But the essential thrust of marriage is and has always been the provision of a safe harbor for childbearing women and the children they produce. With modern contraceptive technology (don't tell the Pope I said this; he and I are having a hard enough time lately as is), to marry for any reason other than to produce a brood of squally spratlings is evidence of dementia.

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at 4:33 PM on 18 August 2003

Heh, heh. You said "thrust".

I had always hoped for someone to grow up, then grow old, beside me; obviously that's out of the question now, since I'm already old and it's arguably too late for me to grow up.

Posted by: CGHill at 9:04 PM on 18 August 2003

Hear, Hear !!! Post reminded me of a joke...

Recently, a 'Husband Shopping Center' opened in Atlanta, where women could go to choose a husband from a host of prospects.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended the building. The catch22 was, once a floor was chosen, you must choose a prospect from that floor. There was no going back to a floor once it was passed. As a matter of fact, you could only go down to exit the building, never to return.

A couple of husband-seeking girlfriends went to the shopping center to try their luck...

First Floor: The sign read 'These men have jobs and love kids'. The women commented,"Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder whta's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor: The sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking'. "Hmmm," said the ladies,"But, I wonder what's further up?" Upward they continued.

Third Floor: This sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework'. "Wow" said the women,"But there's more further up!"

Fourth Floor: This door had a sign that read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have an extremely strong romantic streak'."Oh, mercy me. Can you imagine what lies instore further up?" So to the top floor they went.

Fifth Floor: Sign 'THIS FLOOR IS EMPTY AND EXISTS ONLY AS PROOF WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE...Enjoy your trip down and have a good day'.

Posted by: Alex at 9:54 AM on 20 August 2003

The only thing I "fear" from a husband or men in general is that they view me as a replacement for their Mama. I sometimes wonder if men don't enter a marriage hoping they can find the peace they had when they were ten years old and Mama was always there to pick up after them. I do not find it amusing to see fellow moms who have sons blithely indulge their whims whilst trashing the daughter of their neighbor for being out of control.

Posted by: Sharon at 10:15 AM on 20 August 2003

Alex, that is priceless. I'm stealing it.

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at 4:26 PM on 20 August 2003

I don't want to be ten again, and I don't want someone to pick up after me. (For a brief period, I was actually involved with someone who seemed willing to wait on me hand and foot; she drove me nuts.) But what I want, ultimately, is irrelevant.

Posted by: CGHill at 6:01 PM on 20 August 2003