The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

20 September 2004

The name isn't real, either

Former stripper Jessica Conrad has written a book called Dance Naked: A Guide to Unleashing Your Inner Hottie (New York: Harmony Books, 2004). Conrad believes that one way to improve your love life — assuming you're a woman whose love life needs improving — is to follow some of the tips used by, yes, professional strippers. I'm not part of Conrad's target audience, and I surely have no inner hottie to unleash, but I did read the book, and being the analytical type, I found some interesting, or at least marginally bloggable, data.

For example, the top twenty-five stripper names, in alphabetical order:

  1. Alexis
  2. Amber
  3. Ashley
  4. Bailey
  5. Brittany/Britney
  6. Chantal
  7. Christi
  8. Cindy
  9. Dylan
  10. Heather
  11. Jaime
  12. Jasmine
  13. Jennifer/Jenny
  14. Jessica
  15. Jordan
  16. Kate/Katie
  17. Madison
  18. Melissa
  19. Michelle
  20. Ryan
  21. Sienna/Sierra
  22. Taylor
  23. Tiffany
  24. Tyler
  25. Xena

Each of these has a general connotation: Cindy is "superfriendly but young," while Heather is "the ultimate popular-girl name." Conrad herself opted not to use her name Jessica — "Jennifer's friend who also wants to be friends with Heather but isn't" — and after some flirtation with "Melody" and "Petra," she became "Kayla." Interestingly, some of these names apparently have waiting lists: presumably a strip club (a place I have never actually been) doesn't want duplicates.

"Xena," by the way, is "funny and strong." Of course.

Posted at 5:58 AM to Dyssynergy

So which tips are covered under this lesson plan? The "how to rip off old, drunk guys for major cash while making them think they'll get laid" technique?

Posted by: sheila rene at 3:10 PM on 20 September 2004

Well, um, er, uh, yeah. :)

Posted by: CGHill at 3:20 PM on 20 September 2004

Umhm. I thought so. :)

Posted by: sheila rene at 9:00 PM on 20 September 2004

I'm sorry, but since for me "Dylan" is always prefixed by "Bob", I don't think a stripper by that name would be all that alluring.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:55 PM on 20 September 2004

I'm sorry, but since for me "Dylan" is usually followed by "Thomas", I don't think a stripper by that name would be all that alluring, but at least she'd be less unpleasant to listen to.

Posted by: triticale at 12:33 PM on 21 September 2004

Heather? Stripper? Feared. I was looking for "Candi" though.

Candi Stripper.

Okay, maybe it wasn't THAT funny.


Posted by: hln at 1:11 PM on 21 September 2004

What, no Lexus or Mercedes? I question the veracity of this list.

Posted by: CT at 10:54 PM on 21 September 2004

I've never been to a strip club either, but I was at a strip mall a few times.

Posted by: Interested-Participant at 1:56 PM on 26 September 2004