The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

18 April 2005

Lads with fads

Doug Giles lists the telltale signs that you might just be a metrosexual:

  • You use more than three words when ordering your Starbuck's,
  • You're still into rollerblading,
  • You put on cologne to go to the gym,
  • You have an Armani Exchange or Banana Republic credit card,
  • You Tivo Sex in the City and/or Will and Grace,
  • You watch Friends with a note pad,
  • You have panic attacks (look, either have a real heart attack or cut the crap. That feeling you’re feeling is not death; it’s called responsibility and most everybody feels it. So … suck it up, drink a Guinness and get a life),
  • You shave any part of your body except your face or skull,
  • You buy your shampoo at a salon instead of a grocery store,
  • You take more than two, that's two, minutes to fix your hair,
  • You think Ben Affleck, Colin Farrell, and Orlando Bloom are really, really good actors,
  • You think you have a feminine side to get in touch with, and/or
  • You must have Evian and only Evian for hydration.

I might qualify on two of these, maybe. On the other hand, my cutoff point for hair care is a mere forty-five seconds.

The mention of one of those two — one I haven't done lately, but no matter about that — drew a mild rebuke from Francis W. Porretto:

Mr. Giles, for all his points, must remember something about the "Marlboro Man" persona whose return he celebrates: He does what he damned well pleases. So fewer instructions about where to ply the razor — and by implication, where not to — would be in order.

At this point, we're bumping right up against the edge of Too Much Information.

Posted at 7:44 AM to Almost Yogurt


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You buy your shampoo at a salon instead of a grocery store,...

Shampoo's a ripoff. I use Dial soap.

I don't think there's a salon on the planet that sells Dial soap.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:04 AM on 18 April 2005

Oh, and Francis is right. We don't judge a man on what he does, but on why he does it. I say a man who wears pink and drinks wine coolers is not necessarily a sissy unless he's doing it because it's trendy.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:06 AM on 18 April 2005

I split the difference. I use Dial Soap for most things, as it were, but I wash my hair, such as it is, with the cheapest (99 cents is the maximum) store shampoo.

Posted by: CGHill at 9:28 AM on 18 April 2005

I only qualify for four (not counting the "having a feminine side" one).

Yes, I use four words to order at Starbucks - tall skim vanilla latte.

I was NEVER into rollerblading.

I do not put on perfume to go to the gym.

I only have bank credit cards, and I mostly use my debit card to boot.

I do not Tivo Sex in the City or Will and Grace.

I haven't watched Friends in years.

I don't have panic attacks.

Yes, I shave my legs and under my arms. Be happy.

Yes, I buy my shampoo at a salon.

Yes, it takes me longer than two minutes to fix my hair.

I think Colin Farrell is all right. I don't like Ben Affleck at all. Orlando Bloom can't act, but I don't care.

N/A on the feminine side one.

I don't drink Evian.

Posted by: Lesley at 10:05 AM on 18 April 2005

I only have panic attacks... Ohmygawd, does that make me a metrosexual? Oh God.. Oh God..., what will I do? (*swallows Xanax*)

Posted by: Lemuel Kolkava at 11:45 AM on 18 April 2005