The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

20 August 2005

Rotsa ruck

I have never placed a personal ad. (Okay, I filled in a profile at OkCupid, but this was so I could get a look at some of their funkier personality tests.) The major reason, surpassing even "What if I got a response?" (which is scary enough), is "What in the world would I say?"

Whatever it would be, I hope it wouldn't come off like this:

The next president of the United States is looking for a female running mate for life. I am a Christian & when I choose a running mate it will be for life. She must be in an excellent physical condition as I am. I love Asians and I love kissing Asian woman & large lips. My mate must send me to heaven with her kisses. Our lips don't have to connect to kiss sometimes your imagination is better than reality. I want to be cocooned by her. I need an alien Asian woman as a running man. Any beautiful woman will do. I'm 49yrs old in top physical condition, & bench press 245lbs & the reason I don't do more is because the Nona less machines I work on only go to 254lbs. I have a perfect smile as I paid for it. I have porcelain veneers. I have women stopping me in the street who don't know me saying "Do you know you have the perfect smile?" I should I paid $40,000 for it! All I needed the day I went to the dentist was a night guard. My dentist told me that I had ground my teeth right down to the bottom under stress. I could wait and do nothing or get porcelain veneers. If I waited and did nothing, next year I would need 28 root canals and $1000 more than the porcelains per tooth. I had a decision to make & I won't tell you what I decided, but the perfect smile. I am 6"4, Blond Hair, Blue Eyes, extremely articulate. I have a bachelor's degree, and I know the cure to cancer and the common cold. They are food supplements I take now. I will treat my woman like a princess and make her a queen if she wants to be! Ladies with accents will take priority. Seeking ages 17-35. Serious candidates only. All interested candidates call John on [number redacted].

(As seen in the Dallas Observer, and referred to yours truly by Aldahlia. I have no idea if she has an accent.)

Posted at 6:00 PM to Table for One


He forgot to mention his teeth obsession and inability to focus while writing.

Posted by: Mark at 4:11 AM on 21 August 2005

OMG, so that's what it means to be "extremely articulate"! The only thing he failed to tell us was what species he represents...

Posted by: Winston at 8:45 AM on 21 August 2005

I could be wrong, but I think he may be overselling himself just a tad.

Posted by: McGehee at 10:05 AM on 21 August 2005

Oh. My.

Posted by: Jan at 3:20 PM on 21 August 2005

Pathetic!

Posted by: Miriam at 7:46 AM on 22 August 2005