The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

25 September 2005

What they really, really want

I have no particular expertise in contemporary feminist theory, but I believe Shouting Thomas might be oversimplifying matters slightly:

White heterosexual men are the cause of all that is wrong with the world. Oddly ... Marxist feminist women want to be married to or shacked up with a white heterosexual man, unless they are defiantly lesbian. Their partner is expected to strike a pose of abject contrition for his sins ... and still get it up in bed.

Thus, hetero marriage is an abomination that oppresses women, while gay marriage is a sacrament, especially in that it outrages the hated evangelical Christians.

According to this political theory, all the problems of the world would be solved if only all men were sissified homosexuals. (This creates a dilemma for homosexuals who are not sissified ... but they are forgiven because at least they aren't straight.) War, pollution, racism and crime would cease to exist if only all men were sissies. (Whoops! I forgot. Black men alone are entitled to be macho studs. This provides a much deserved kick in the shins to white hetero men.)

This political theory also posits that the great spiritual center of the world is Asia, and all enlightenment ensues from there. Asian religions are brilliant combinations of practice and centuries of wisdom. On the other hand (and itís hard to tell how to reconcile this), Asian women are backward doormats who don't have the sense to be good feminists. So, the people who created those great spiritual systems are, in fact, stupid, backward and unenlightened.

White women must be allowed to sleep with any man of any race at any time, and white men must suffer in silence, lest they be accused of the most vicious racism. However, white men have an obligation to shack up with or marry a white feminist woman. If they prefer an Asian or Hispanic woman, it is because they are chauvinist pigs intent on oppressing a backward woman.

I have a few problems with this analysis. For one thing, the grandly general "Asia" is way too big to be a spiritual center: were there that many spiritual emanations from the world's largest continent, their influence would presumably be far greater. A spiritual center, I suggest, must be small and densely packed with the appropriate vibes; it seems unlikely that it would be much larger than, say, Columbus, Indiana. (This is, I hasten to add, not necessarily a pitch for Vatican City.)

The notion of Asian women as doormats originates in the legend of the geisha and the reports of Thai brothels; I see no reason to think that it prevails here in the Home of the Whopper, except as urban myth. (It certainly doesn't prevail any place on Classen.)

If all men were gay, the world, if not necessarily a happier place, would presumably at least be cleaner. On the other hand, there's this ongoing propagation-of-the-species business, and while they're certainly equal (I almost said "up") to the task, it seems like a cruel thing to ask.

And while Thomas is apparently surrounded by these "Marxist feminist" women who espouse this particular worldview, they are few and far between in my orbit. Then again, he lives in New York.

Posted at 12:21 PM to Almost Yogurt


It seems like his entire rant could be condensed to one question: "Why is everyone being so nice to gay people when I can't get laid?"

Posted by: Matt at 3:44 PM on 25 September 2005

I don't think being nasty to gay people is likely to improve anyone's chances.

Posted by: CGHill at 4:05 PM on 25 September 2005

Well, no, Matt, I am getting laid.

So, maybe your theory is incorrect.

Posted by: Shouting Thomas at 10:13 AM on 26 September 2005

"...white men have an obligation to shack up with or marry a white feminist woman."

Boy, my husband will be sorely disappointed. But I think he'll overlook it, since I shave my armpits.

Posted by: Sheila Rene at 8:40 AM on 28 September 2005