The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

9 October 2005

Oh, and bring your own chalk

Our man with the high explosives in Norman presumably violated the majority of these helpful rules for Philadelphia suicides:

1. Make sure you're dressed. Mom always said to wear clean underwear — and a pair of pants wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

2. While you're at it, take a thorough shower. Even fresh corpses tend to give off an unpleasant odor.

3. Use the restroom beforehand. Otherwise, Mother Nature will do it for you — usually at the exact moment the officer picks up your body.

4. Lie down, legs straight, and arms at your side. Body bags and stretchers don't accommodate people with legs akimbo. Rigor mortis is a helluva thing.

5. Try and be tidy. If you're going to use a gun to end it all — especially via the melon — wrap the back of your head in towels and blankets. Ever try to get blood out of shag carpet? It's a bear.

Other than suggesting that you take your shower before you get dressed, I wouldn't change a thing. Those of you inclined to off yourselves, please consider the impact of your act — if not upon your immediate family, then certainly upon the investigating officers.

Posted at 2:55 PM to Listing to One Side


Those of you inclined to off yourselves, please consider the impact of your act if not upon your immediate family, then certainly upon the investigating officers.

Pedestrians too, if one's chosen method is exfenestration.

Posted by: McGehee at 3:10 PM on 9 October 2005

"Exfenestration" took a bit of doing to figure out what it meant. Merriam-Webster didn't list it. :)

Posted by: unimpressed at 6:09 AM on 15 October 2005