The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

24 October 2005

Equal time, so to speak

Last fall, ABC News put out a poll purporting to show "surprising new findings" about American sexual attitudes, including a sidebar to the effect that Republicans were more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats. I responded with the top 10 reasons why.

This is not to say, of course, that Democrats take this sort of thing lying down, and last week at the Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest, Rep. Linda Sanchez (D-CA) pointed out that "all the Republicans who hit on me are married and all the Democrats who hit on me are gay."

But she won't date a Republican anyway, and here are the top 10 reasons why:

10.  The only time they believe in fiscal restraint is when the dinner bill comes.

  9.   His idea of getting to second base is fondling my stock portfolio.

  8.  He thinks that Emily's List is a call girl service.

  7.  His idea of oral stimulation is getting me to recite the Contract with America.

  6.  He thinks that white pantyhose and pearls are sexy — and you should see what he wants me to wear.

  5.  Because when Republicans say that they want to create opportunities for minorities, that means they want to date me and [her sister] Loretta.

  4.  Despite all the hype, I still can't find his weapon of mass destruction.

  3.  His pending prison term for political corruption is just another excuse for him to be emotionally unavailable.

  2.  Republicans are only interested in screwing the poor.

  1.  Because they make love like they make war: they lie to get in and don't have a plan for what to do once they get there.

(Disclosure: I'm not dating anyone. If this is a surprise to you, you must be new here.)

Posted at 10:22 AM to Listing to One Side


I'm adding that list to my "Reasons Why Good Comedy is Conservative" file. My favorite is "3. His pending prison term for political corruption is just another excuse for him to be emotionally unavailable." Trust me lady: keep your day job.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at 11:03 AM on 24 October 2005

I admit that I don't understand #6 at all, and frankly I thought my own list was better, but hey, I am nothing if not fair-minded. :)

Posted by: CGHill at 11:34 AM on 24 October 2005

Thanks CG! Just when I really needed a good laugh to brighten the sudden gray cold arrival of winter in Tennessee, there you are. This is one of the most original comedic pieces I've seen in a long time. And what is it you don't understand about #6? I mean, I prefer the burgundy pantyhose myself, but to each guy his own, you know.

Posted by: Winston at 5:46 AM on 25 October 2005

Two things: there seems to be a disconnect between the two clauses (the implication, as I read it, is that there's something he wants her to wear even weirder than that), and it runs into a personal blind spot (the idea of someone wearing something for me is utterly foreign to my existence).

Posted by: CGHill at 7:13 AM on 25 October 2005

I don't know anyone -- of any political persuasion -- who thinks white pantyhose and pearls are "sexy." Do women even wear white pantyhose anymore?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at 8:15 AM on 25 October 2005

Oh, I dunno, Andrea. #4 was pretty good.

Posted by: McGehee at 8:21 AM on 25 October 2005