The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

6 February 2006

We'll always have Dolly

One of the wondrous things about Dolly Parton, I've always felt, is that she has a splendid pair of legs which are almost always on display, yet which no one has ever seen: this is magical misdirection worthy of Penn and Teller.

If you, like me, can't even imagine a world without Dolly, you might appreciate this premise:

I'm developing a new theory: that Dolly Parton is an enterprise run almost identically to that of the Dread Pirate Roberts. So when the Dolly Parton we know grows weary and decides to retire, she identifies a replacement who will seamlessly merge into the life of Dolly Parton and carry on the Dolly Parton name and brand, as if nothing had ever happened. That way, Dolly is ageless and lives forever, and people will never have to know what a dark and woeful place the world would be without her and that hair, and the breasts that unwittingly prepared a nation to cope better with Anna Nicole Smith.

No one ever so brilliantly blended art and artifice; surely there must be some way to keep her around for a few more centuries, and if ripping off a theme from The Princess Bride will do the trick, I approve.

(Warning: Link also contains a photo of Pamela Anderson, who in an emergency may be used as a flotation device.)

Posted at 9:00 AM to Almost Yogurt


I remember as a kid seeing Dolly on the Porter Waggoner show on KY-3 in Springfield Mo. I thought 'she has HUGE ...hair'
All in all, Dolly is a class act and should be a lesson for all other endowed women.

Posted by: Dwayne "the canoe guy" at 11:30 AM on 6 February 2006

There are TWO wondrous things about Dolly Parton.

Three if you count the fact that she is not Maureen Dowd.

Posted by: Mister Snitch! at 6:31 PM on 6 February 2006

Yeah, but most people aren't Maureen Dowd, which detracts from the wondrousness.

Posted by: CGHill at 6:57 PM on 6 February 2006

KY-3! (KY-3!) As far as the eye can see!!! (Used to watch the station at my Grandma's house in Mountain Home, Arkansas, and the jingle is still seared, seared, in my memory.)

Speaking of Dolly Parton on Porter Wagoner's show, remember the detergent ads she did? The brand with the towels in the box? A while back, I found a reference to Dolly, Porter, and the detergent ads in a short story.

Posted by: Michael Bates at 12:02 AM on 8 February 2006