The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

16 May 2006

Snap to it

Having once watched in horrified fascination, or maybe fascinated horror, while a petting-zoo goat ate a diaper bag — don't even ask — I can't say I'm surprised by this:

[T]he alligators have been doing their part to keep Florida's reputation as the State in America Most Likely to Become the Location For Cthulhu's Eldritch and Tenebrously Horrible Summer Palace intact. Of course, it helps that a fresh crop of stupid people has moved down here. Any Florida native can tell you there are a number of reasons we don't jog alongside canals in the evening, every once in a while relaxing on the banks with our legs dangling over the water while chatting on our cell phones, and large reptilian creatures with a taste for raw meat is only one of them. For myself, though I am usually on the side of humanity against evil Ma Nature, I feel rather sorry for the alligators. They were just doing what they do. What would you do if a tasty cheesecake or filet mignon just walked right up to you and practically said "eat me"?

Well, you can always try reasoning with them:

The record-breaking spike in fatal alligator attacks in Florida is hitting women and minorities the hardest, the very people who can least afford fatal alligator attacks. The Gleeson Bloglomerate is strongly opposed to fatal alligator attacks, and calls upon the leaders of the Amphibian-American community to put an end to the cycle of violence.

Of course, to make this stance work, you have to figure out some way to blame Bush.

Posted at 7:18 AM to Dyssynergy


hmmmmm .... if only they ate Republicans and peed gasoline ........ think of the energy to be harvested :0

Posted by: Ron at 8:31 AM on 16 May 2006

Of course, to make this stance work, you have to figure out some way to blame Bush.

Jeb or George?

Posted by: MikeH at 9:02 AM on 16 May 2006

...is hitting women and minorities the hardest, the very people who can least afford fatal alligator attacks.

I'm just curious as to why women and minorities were singled out for this one as the ones who could least afford "fatal alligator attacks"? It seems to me that if the attacks were fatal the cost would be equal to all and indiscriminate. Dead is dead and very equal opportunity.

Posted by: belhoste at 10:29 AM on 16 May 2006

Mr Gleeson is giving your chain a gentle yank. It's an old media-bias joke: if, for instance, the destruction of the earth were imminent, The New York Times would headline their story: "World Ends: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit."

Death, of course, is an equal-opportunity destroyer, and pretty much always has been.

Posted by: CGHill at 10:48 AM on 16 May 2006

Soon-to-be-seen NYT headline: "Amphibian-Americans-the New Mexicans?"

Posted by: John Salmon at 12:42 AM on 17 May 2006

hmmmmm .... if only they ate Republicans and peed gasoline ........ think of the energy to be harvested :0

This just in: Halliburton has descended on Florida, is capturing alligators, and spiriting them away to parts unknown.

Posted by: McGehee at 12:22 PM on 17 May 2006

In other news, John McCain and Ted Stevens have disappeared. Also, gasoline prices have begun to go down in Arizona and Alaska...

Posted by: McGehee at 12:24 PM on 17 May 2006

... the market forces at work :) (a tip of the hat to McGehee)

Posted by: ron at 10:41 AM on 18 May 2006