The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

20 June 2006

What can Brown do for you?

I thought I'd already covered this, so to speak, but it is an unfortunate fact of life that not everyone is in a position to benefit from my misexperience, as witness the following:

As the season of high grass and even higher pollen counts is upon us I thought this an opportune time to pass along a useful yard care tip: NEVER use a weed whacker in the nude.

You may wonder how I came by this insight. The Lady of the House had re-reminded me (not too gently) that something around our shack was going to get a whack and it was going to be either domestic tranquility or weeds. Well, it was a pretty hot day and I figured whacking weeds would also lead to washing dirty, sweaty clothes. Unless, and here a little light went on in my head, unless I wasn't wearing any clothes! Why not? We're on a steep hill with big trees. No one can see into our back yard. So I put on my black Converse high-tops, took off everything else, and fired up the noisiest contraption west of Cape Canaveral.

This in itself isn't necessarily troublesome. But then:

I suppose that elsewhere there are UPS deliverymen, but none, as far as I can tell, have been assigned our address. No, we have delivery persons. As everyone knows, person is a non-gender specific term meaning female.

I was swinging to my right to cut a swath when I saw her standing there with a package in her hands and a grin on her face. This took my attention off what I was doing, which is never a good idea with power tools.

The thing came after me faster than you can say things you ought not say. Who would have thought a little nylon string could hurt so much? The next instant I was hopping around like crazy trying to grab my mutilated left leg and regain control of the weed whacker at the same time. Tears were rolling down both our faces, but for entirely different reasons.

To give the guy credit, at least he wore some semi-substantial shoes. I still have scars from a non-powered incident, involving sport sandals and some clumsy handling of an ordinary garden rake.

And, well, you have to figure that UPS has seen everything by now.


Posted at 8:38 AM to Birthday Suitable