The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

7 July 2006

Marilyn Monroe's ghost flies free

It's a whole new kind of profiling:

I am here to tell you that I have seen the future, and it is looking up your dress.

The new [airport] screening machine is a thing that looks like the kind of wind-tunnel isolation booth they used to put game show contestants in and then blow around money, which the contestants would try and grab.

But that's not what's going to be happening to you in the isolation booth.

What's going to happen is that the Department of Homeland Security is going to blow hot air up your dress and analyze it.

I'm not even kidding. This machine, which has no name on it so I'm going to go ahead and call it the Gyno-2000, shoots a VERY STRONG BURST OF WIND directly up your dress, if you happen to be so unlucky as to be wearing one at the time. It has a mechanical voice that warns you (sort of, but not really) when it says "Prepare for air blast!"

Of course, for some time now DHS has been blowing smoke up ... um, never mind.

Has anyone else encountered this thing? It sounds like yet another good argument for driving everywhere.

Posted at 6:18 AM to Dyssynergy

ohhhh boy .... I can see whats coming next and it aint nice ... anal probes .... its the only way to make SURE you aint a hidin nothin in them there nether regions...

I'd laugh for real it it wouldn't jinx the whole deal and make it come true :)

Posted by: Ron at 10:27 AM on 7 July 2006

I would have thought YOU would find a new reason to travel by air!

Posted by: Jan at 11:50 AM on 7 July 2006

Bill encountered that "thing" when he was coming back from Alaska a couple of weeks ago.
However, Alaska isn't one of the places you can drive to. And fresh salmon is fantastic.

Posted by: wamprat at 2:41 PM on 7 July 2006

I'm waiting for Diane to check in; after all, her slogan is "Whatever blows my dress up."

Posted by: CGHill at 5:55 PM on 7 July 2006

You most certainly can drive to Alaska, unless the Canadian border has become more of a problem to cross than it used to be. However, the way is long and a bit lonely -- but that can be said of many highways and byways of the continental United States.

Hawaii, on the other hand, you can't drive to. But you can take a boat.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at 9:31 AM on 8 July 2006

My daughter once drove to Alaska, so I know it's doable; what surprises me is that she came back. (To this day, she speaks wistfully of the place.)

Long, lonely roads are my bread and butter — or were, until the fauna quit hiding behind the flora and decided to jump into the fray.

Posted by: CGHill at 10:50 AM on 8 July 2006

Driving to Alaska is one of those things that illustrates the difference between "feasible" and "practical."

Posted by: McGehee at 1:50 PM on 8 July 2006

I stand corrected. However, if you're only spending one week, driving there is not a way to go.
However, considering the trouble getting home (they were suppose to change planes in Burbank) it might have been worth it.

Posted by: wamprat at 3:31 PM on 8 July 2006