The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

3 August 2006

A plate from the Word Salad bar

Out of this month's Premiere, a couple of noteworthy items.

First, from the inimitable Libby Gelman-Waxner:

The Da Vinci Code suggests that Jesus was actually married to Mary Magdalene, and that they were very happy and had a child. It's the Pretty Woman take on the New Testament, with a powerful guy falling for a hooker. This theory of course made me violently jealous of Mary Magdalene, because she could go to cocktail parties or cookouts and just casually say things like "Well, when Jesus and I were in Aruba . . ." or "Can you believe it? I had the baby two weeks ago, and I'm already back in a bikini. It's like a miracle!"

Let's face it, Jesus would have been the best husband of all time. He was gorgeous, he was incredibly compassionate, and he was a carpenter, so none of your cabinets would ever stick.

I bet they get letters about that one.

Elsewhere, Tom Roston notes:

I have to give props to [John] Heffernan for coming up with [the title of Snakes on a Plane]. When I prod him on what sort of creative thinking it took to think up that title, he reminds me of the quotation that says perfection is achieved when there's nothing left that can be taken away. "And that pretty much defines Snakes on a Plane," he says. "It's like, you know, McMuffin or Ziploc."

With that in mind, here's a nearly-perfect headline: State Court Rules Miller Genuine Draft Is Actually Beer.

Which is at least as debatable as, say, The Da Vinci Code.

Posted at 6:19 AM to Almost Yogurt


I wonder if one of Jesus' offspring testified at the trial "It TASTED like water, so I changed it to beer. Never could get the hang of changing it to wine, or even GOOD beer. I do what I can with what I got."

Posted by: Dwayne "the canoe guy" at 9:57 AM on 3 August 2006

Well when you're only half-Messiah, I guess there are limits. Like, Jesus Jr. can only raise the bored and give sight to the squinty.

Posted by: McGehee at 10:51 AM on 3 August 2006