First, you must submit

The fourth birthday of Carnival of the Vanities will be upon us shortly, and Zeuswood and Stingflower, in their capacities as Primary Carnival Barkers, have introduced new submission guidelines for future editions, lest they become as stale as my lame links to same each and every week.

Or, as Zeuswood says:

Laurence Simon, who knows from crap, was not available for comment.