The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

29 August 2006

Well, this sucks (2)

Or, more precisely, it doesn't. A couple of killjoys Theoretical physicist Professor Costas Efthimiou of the University of Central Florida and Cornell University postgraduate student Sohan Gandhi have determined that vampires cannot possibly exist:

They argue it would take just two and a half years for vampires to wipe out the entire human race from the day the first one appeared, based on the myth that vampires turn their victims into other vampires by sucking their blood.

If vampires feed once a month, the great grandaddy of all vampires would have killed one human and produced one vampire in the first month. So in total there would be two vampires and one less human, or a tally of vampires 2, humans -1. By the next month, the 2 vampires would kill 2 humans, and so on.

After n months there would be 2 x 2 x 2 ... x 2 = 2n, or a geometric progression with ratio 2. "The vampire population increases geometrically and the human population decreases geometrically," they say.

Using the principle of reductio ad absurdum, they conclude that vampires can't exist as their existence contradicts the existence of humans.

Barnabas Collins was not available for comment.

(Um, thanks, Gail.)

Posted at 7:21 PM to Dyssynergy


They have, of course, ignored many real-world variables that would have significant impact on the outcome. Such as overweight vampires deciding to go on diets, certain varieties of humans being left alone because they taste like crap (think politicians), development and widespread distribution of synthetic blood, which can be conveniently microwaved right in its pouch to bring it up to 98.6 deg F, eliminating the hassle of the midnight hunt.

Posted by: Winston at 4:53 AM on 30 August 2006

Plus, if a vampire completely drains its victim, the victim doesn't turn -- he/she just dies. Which, while reducing the human population as predicted, does not add to the vampire population and so does not accelerate human extinction as predicted.

I learned that from "Blade: The Series" so it must be true.

Posted by: McGehee at 7:41 AM on 30 August 2006

BARNABAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Donna at 11:58 AM on 30 August 2006