Celibate, good times, come on

Conventional wisdom holds that if you’ve never serviced your automatic transmission in all these years, there’s no point in doing it now: the moment those old hard parts and seals meet up with fresh fluid, it’s Carpocalypse Now.

Apparently this holds true with more personal, um, drives:

Bad news today for idle crisp-scoffing lardos who seldom get much attention from the opposite/desired sex: when you finally do achieve some boudoir action, there is a measurable chance that the excitement will kill you.

In my case, there’s a measurable chance that the shock of getting an offer would kill me long before. But we’re not looking at enormously-high risk factors here:

Rather than advocating a state of terrified immobility so as to avoid any potentially fatal exertion or nookie, the docs point out that in general people who suffer heart attacks are older — typically late 50s or more. Furthermore, the deadliness of sex — or indeed any other kind of exertion — mainly results from not having done any for a long time previously. […] Nonetheless one should also bear in mind that risk to individuals is very low even if you do suddenly get lucky after years of belt-busting idleness. Among 10,000 people all suddenly cranking up their activity levels by an hour a week, only two or three would suffer heart attacks.

Please note that yours truly, in his late 50s, survived a pair of snowstorms this past winter, both of which required Heavy Shovel Action.

And just incidentally, that particular “wisdom” regarding automatic transmissions carries no weight with Click. Or, for that matter, with Clack. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a bag of crisps to empty out. Slowly.

(Suggested by Dan B.)


  1. fillyjonk »

    24 March 2011 · 3:30 pm

    “idle crisp-scoffing lardos who seldom get much attention from the opposite/desired sex.”

    Wow, judgmental much, Register? It’s the thinking that some people might view me as an “idle, crisp-scoffing lardo” that tends to keep me holed up in my house reading Dickens or knitting instead of going out in search of the possibility of suitable attention.

  2. Dan B »

    26 March 2011 · 2:56 am

    The Register is a British technology and other stuff website I’ve been reading since 1999, long before anyone ever heard of blogging. Judgmental? Maybe, but no worse than Sally Kern, a lot funnier, and a whole lot easier on the eyes.

  3. CGHill »

    26 March 2011 · 10:33 am

    It doesn’t take much to be funnier than Sally Kern.

    I usually glance at their tech stuff, but I never look at their lifestyle (gawd, I hate that word) pieces. Until, of course, this one.

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