The best that they can do

“Hollywood,” says a frequent Farkism, “is out of ideas.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, says Neil Kramer:

Why should Hollywood waste time and energy searching for new ideas, when it can stick with the classics, such as Arthur?

In fact, Hollywood shouldn’t just stop with a Dudley Moore Arthur and a Russell Brand Arthur. There should be a black Arthur. An Asian Arthur. An Arthur all in Spanish. A gay Arthur. An Arthur where the roles are reversed and Arthur is a woman. A transsexual Arthur. A Pixar animated Arthur — in 3D Imax — where Arthur is a irresponsible raccoon who is a glutton with his acorns rather than an alcoholic, in order to keep it G-rated. I think there should be a new big budget Arthur produced EVERY 30 years. Ten year old Raymond Ochoa of the children’s TV show Drake and Josh will be perfect in thirty years time as the womanizing drunk in the new new Arthur, released in 2041.

And while we’re at it, let’s get Christopher Cross to do all the themes for all these Arthurs.

Except maybe for this one:

Hopefully, in thirty years, science will have perfected a time machine, so Hollywood studios, still hoping to recreate the success of the first Arthur, will go back in time to 1951, creating an Arthur appropriate for that era, starring Orson Welles, Deborah Kerr, and Spencer Tracy.

I wish I had a dime for every dime they spent on story conferences.

On the upside, a bevy of Arthur remakes might well silence the complaints about Lack of Inclusiveness being leveled by the Drunk Inebrio-American community.







13 comments

  1. Joseph Hertzlinger »

    10 April 2011 · 1:18 am

    I thought it was the Blotto-American community.

  2. McGehee »

    10 April 2011 · 9:08 am

    Somewhere there’s an alternate universe where they made Arthur starring Bea Arthur.

  3. Saucy Britches »

    10 April 2011 · 11:53 am

    Neil has the best ideas. :)

    He and I are old friends — he once even visited my hometown in Oregon. That was a HOOT.

    old friends: http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2007/11/30/the-first-annual-blogger-holiday-online-arts-and-crafts-fair/

    oregon visit: http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2007/03/10/a-highlight-of-the-trip/

  4. CGHill »

    10 April 2011 · 12:32 pm

    Dayum.

    [takes another sip, looks again at the Arts and Crafts Fair poster girl]

    Dayum.

  5. Ellen Smith »

    10 April 2011 · 1:46 pm

    Some movies just shouldn’t be remade. But nobody listens to me!

  6. Dan B »

    10 April 2011 · 3:34 pm

    I thought the Blotto-Americans were the ones addicting to Bingo. Or was that Blotter art? I can’t keep track of all the Hypheno-Wingnuts any more.

    It’s one thing when they remake great movies (BOOO). It’s a rarity when they make okay movies better (Ransom, Ocean’s 11, Cape Fear). When they’re remaking crappy movies, it’s past time to throw in the towel.

  7. CGHill »

    10 April 2011 · 3:40 pm

    Siskel and/or Ebert once opined that it makes far more sense to remake bad movies: there’s no need to remake a good one, and the bad ones need all the help they can get.

  8. Ellen Smith »

    10 April 2011 · 3:43 pm

    101 Dalmatians

  9. Tatyana »

    10 April 2011 · 4:54 pm

    I can’t keep track That’s normal for your kind.

    Gee, Neil the whiner still bloviates? Wasn’t he at one point script-writing for Hollywood? What a work ethic.

  10. Tatyana »

    10 April 2011 · 4:55 pm

    hmm…forgot why I wanted to comment here…ah! McG: I will translate the Cuba post today, sorry for the delay. I’ll let you know when I finish.

  11. fillyjonk »

    10 April 2011 · 7:31 pm

    I’m expecting, some 30 years from now, that cable channels will have multiplexed to the point where there are things like an All Gilligan’s Island channel. So of COURSE they need all of these remakes of “Arthur,” otherwise, what will they put on the “all Arthur, all the time” channel?

  12. CGHill »

    10 April 2011 · 7:43 pm

    I’m thinking a bit more positively: that cable channels as we know them will be extinct (except for ESPN), and television and the Web will be fused into one continuous Lack of Entertainment Experience.

    There is some video I’d like to get from Sherwood Schwartz, and it’s not one of the Gilligan episodes, though the late Bob Denver was involved.

  13. Ellen Smith »

    11 April 2011 · 7:28 pm

    Or The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

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