I shocked the sheriff

Well, actually, that’s a stretch. Mostly, this chap seems to have annoyed the deputies, and before them, one clergyman:

David Ford, a 50-year-old Tennessee man was jailed Tuesday after he was allegedly found naked in a storm drain, hiding from police.

According to the Knox County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were dispatched after a pastor reported seeing a naked man run across a parking lot and then hide in a storm drain — completely naked.

In Ford’s defense, not everyone can inspire a writer to use the word “naked” three times in two sentences.

Still, he was apparently only charged with burglary, and will likely be extended the sort of leniency that this bonehead won’t get once he’s caught:

My boyfriend of two years isn’t overtly weird; he’s actually a really nice, normal guy, but he has this “hobby” of going for walks totally naked. We live in Vermont, where this is actually legal. I tell him that women find this upsetting, but he is really turned on by being seen naked by them and has no intention of stopping.

Actually, that’s not the problem. (Were it legal here, I’d be tempted to do a couple of laps around the block in my birthday suit, were this not the hottest summer this side of Mercury.) This is:

He says that when he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he masturbates while walking.

I’d say that tilts him way into the “overtly weird” classification; I’m pretty sure those Vermont women have no desire to see him strumming his sitar. Couldn’t he try something a bit less aggressive while walking, like, say, chewing gum?





8 comments

  1. Tatyana »

    11 August 2011 · 5:55 pm

    “aggressive” ?
    interesting someone might thought so.
    I’d say “ridiculous”.

  2. fillyjonk »

    11 August 2011 · 7:51 pm

    It occurs to me that “Naked in a Storm Drain” would be a pretty good band name.

  3. Jeffro »

    11 August 2011 · 7:58 pm

    He’s fifty? Sounds like an eventual candidate for the long sleeved tie in the back white canvas shirt.

  4. fillyjonk »

    11 August 2011 · 8:00 pm

    And thinking about it more: how on earth did he get in the storm drain? The ones I’ve seen, a raccoon could get in, but not a fifty year old man, especially a naked one.

    Or do they mean something like a culvert?

  5. CGHill »

    11 August 2011 · 8:02 pm

    I’d think more likely a culvert, in which case we’re up against one of the wonders of English, or indeed any language with a significant number of speakers: regional variations.

  6. McGehee »

    11 August 2011 · 8:06 pm

    He says that when he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he [toads the wet sprocket] while walking.

    That there is a cry for help: “Don’t leave me or I’ll have to hold my own leash on my naked walks.”

  7. fillyjonk »

    11 August 2011 · 8:25 pm

    Ah. Where I grew up a storm drain was an underground thing, only accessible via manholes and grates set into the curbs. (And a favorite hangout for raccoons, as it turns out).

    Here we have “Western Drainages” and very few storm drain openings, so Naked Dude would be kinda out of luck…I don’t think lying down in what amounts to a gutter would be a very good hiding place.

  8. CGHill »

    11 August 2011 · 8:26 pm

    Well, I figure the guy’s probably a few cinderblocks short of a wall, anyway, so it seems at least somewhat plausible that he didn’t think this through particularly well.

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