Ladies, he’s single

Simon Bleecker (that’s his mother’s maiden name) concocts an online dating profile:

My hateful patriarchal name, which I have totally repudiated, is Urquhart. I’m in the process of legally changing my name to Unkwaayumet-Nenachuk, a double-barrelled Nez Perce and Tibetan name meaning (roughly, since English is such a non-spiritual language) “Rainbow Wisdom Person”. The Nez Perce part is to atone for the fact that there were probably some people in the past named Urquhart who might have oppressed the Nez Perce. It seems like the sort of thing evil white people named Urquhart would do, which is one reason why I now reject the name. Anyway, I’m not like that at all. Nor, despite my hateful male genitalia, do I harbor any disrespect or insensitivity to womyn, who are all equally beautiful Earth Goddesses in my eyes. If only men would realize just how much innate wisdom each womyn possesses and if only men would heed that womynly wisdom, then the world would finally be at peace. I promise I will heed your wisdom without question. I also wish to apologize in advance for any sexual longing I might experience when I finally get to meet you. Rest assured that it is only the Universal Goddesshead in you that I am appreciating and I will be sure to get advance permission for each step of the lovemaking process, if that’s all right with you. Is it all right with you? Again, I don’t want to impose, so I will wait for you to initiate every move. Just tell me what you want me to do. Thank you again.

The underlying principle here, I suspect, is “Hippie chicks are easy.” If you borrow this template, you can expect to find out otherwise.





4 comments

  1. Squirrely wrath »

    6 September 2011 · 4:22 pm

    Sometimes, my fellow Y-chromosome owners just make me ashamed to call myself a man.

  2. McGehee »

    6 September 2011 · 6:51 pm

    ‘Tis satire, my dear Wrath of Squirrels.

  3. CGHill »

    6 September 2011 · 7:11 pm

    Then again, there’s plenty of shameful stuff out there that isn’t satirical.

  4. fillyjonk »

    7 September 2011 · 7:21 am

    Can’t tell if parodying, or scarily earnest. (I’m guessing parody)

    I MIGHT just go out with a guy who wrote that as pure parody of the “Sensitive New-Age Guy.” Actual earnest Sensitive New-Age Guys, though, kind of scare me.

    And don’t call me “womyn,” I am a LADY. Thank you.

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