Deschanelusioned

Kristi Harrison at Cracked.com (what, them again?) apparently suffers from Why Do Guys Fall For This Type When I’m Right Here? Syndrome.

And by This Type, she means, well, this type:

Zooey Deschanel getting out of her car

The plaint:

If “cute” was a commodity Zooey would be the Federal Reserve. Scratch that. She’d be China and the rest of us girls would be used food stamps that once doubled as Clue scorecards. THANK GOD cute is not a commodity is what I’m saying.

Do you remember back when Friends was big, and every girl you knew had Rachel’s haircut? (AC)ZD is the Rachel of girl people right now. If you’re of the female persuasion and you don’t want to dress like syphilis in a tube top, this is who you’re probably getting some fashion cues from. And if you’re a guy, a reasonable facsimile of this girl is who you’re trying to meet, not to have dirty, filthy sex with, but to marry and make babies and dirty, filthy noodle casseroles with.

But you never, ever will. Everevereverever. You have a better chance of meeting a meatball lady and making SpaghettiO babies with her. Here’s why.

There follow various minor issues, but the real one seems to be this:

What made the nerds of the world ever think she was one of them?

At what point did ordinary guys who were maaaaaybe a little too into video games or anime or not-sports look at a girl with perfect skin, a tiny little figure, a face that’s pretty by every measurable standard we’ve got and say, “Yeah, that’s attainable.”

Ben GibbardNow answer me this: What is the color of the sky on that hitherto-undetected planet on which Ben Gibbard, front man of the indie band Death Cab for Cutie, who grew up in the midst of the Pacific Northwest grunge explosion in the Nineties, who has a college degree in Environmental Chemistry fercrissake, is not a nerd? And we know what the Z-girl thinks of him: she married him. For all I know, they’re making filthy casseroles together at this very moment, while Kristin drops another $7 at Panera and sobs into her tea.

(Not surprisingly, a lot of people sent me this link, though Dave was first.)







4 comments

  1. nightfly »

    11 October 2011 · 12:54 pm

    If Ms. Harrison really want to know why guys don’t fall for her, well, she should read her own article.

    In re: Zooey Deschanel – guys think they have a shot with her because she gives a certain vibe: sweet, smart, and down-to-earth. In a word, approachable. Gee, guys approach those who seem approachable, what a shock.

  2. jefferson101 »

    12 October 2011 · 7:09 pm

    I’d be sorry for Ms. Harrison, but I somehow can’t reach her.

    Sorry, but some of us guys are not looking for “just” cute, any more than we’re looking for a long term commitment with a female who is more interested in Drunk Monkey Sex than anything else.

    Yeah, we might date them, but we don’t marry them.

    The flip side of that equation is that when we find a woman who has good sense, a fair sense of humor, and suchlike? We tend to be able to hang around for a while. I won’t get off into the “Drunk Monkey Sex” thing, but hey. we’re grandparents, and have been married for 38 years. I’d embarrass the kids if I get going on that stuff, and mine have been known to complain about getting TMI in those areas anyway.

    But yes. We were once young and foolish, as well as having a whole lot more stamina than we do any more. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I could not have made it with a bitchy partner. Or one who doesn’t understand that it takes time and confidence to get really crazy with your partner.

    But if you haven’t been married for a year or two, you would never figure that part out, I guess.

  3. hatless in hattiesburg »

    12 October 2011 · 11:39 pm

    Some of us realize that Cracked.com is a *humor* website, and as such, is not always to be taken seriously.

    A fewer number of us have actually met MRS. Harrison (friend-of-a-friend), who is 1) approachable, 2) usually *even funnier* in person than in her writing, and 3) often exaggerates…

  4. Violins and Starships »

    13 October 2011 · 10:55 am

    Cute Envy?…

    I don’t have much opinion about Zooey Deschanel, just a vague feeling that I might find her annoying if I ever watched her show, and maybe that’s because I’m always wanting to slap the character her sister Emily plays in Bones….

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