You owe us two stars

Restaurant reviews in The New York Times, I am given to understand, run from zero to four stars. This place, apparently, ventures deep into the Negative Zone, judging by the questions they pose to the proprietor. For instance:

Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

Or this:

How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?

Or even this:

What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic?

And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

It is de rigueur to scoff at the Times these days; but you’ll never see anything half this harsh in the Oklahoma Gazette.

(Suggested by this @inthefade tweet.)







5 comments

  1. JT »

    14 November 2012 · 2:34 pm

    If any restaurant in my area had food as bad as described in the review, it would have been closed, condemned, burned to the ground, the earth beneath it salted, and an abandoned strip mall built on top of the site. Come to think of it, that’s where so many of those abandoned strip malls must have come from.

  2. jsallison »

    14 November 2012 · 10:07 pm

    I contrast what is described as a 500+ seat beanery in NYC with the Diners, Drive-ins and Dives of his show and think, one of these things is not like the other…

  3. fillyjonk »

    15 November 2012 · 8:08 am

    I’m wondering how much of the snark is due to it being Guy Fieri, someone popular among and known by Americans in “flyover” country, and not someone who is cool because no one knows about them (yet).

    Then again, it could be a really awful restaurant, I don’t know.

  4. Brian J. »

    16 November 2012 · 8:44 am

    What brand of coolant?

    I find Quaker State to have an undertone of oak, while the house brand at Autozone has a tangy aftertaste of copper.

    One of them certainly makes a better cocktail with formaldehyde than the other.

  5. CGHill »

    16 November 2012 · 10:07 am

    I’d avoid GM’s Dex-Cool; I suspect it of containing artificial flavoring.

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