Because you’re worth it

Know what’s really great about being wealthy? Being able to buy brand names:

Know what I would do if I won the lottery? I’d buy genuine Windex and honest-to-God Pledge. Not WinDowEx or “Lemon Polish” from the dollar store. And God help me I’d never buy pine oil again. It would be Mr Clean Summer Citrus all the way. Spic and Span all the way. America’s greatness rests on dependable brand names. Maybe if the jackpot was really sizable, I’d indulge in the purchase of Comet Cleanser — the gritty kind that makes a mess in your drain pipes but leaves your stainless steel so squeaky clean.

I have only recently discovered that the store brand Pam-a-like imposes a soapy mouthfeel that the genuine article never has.

There are two brand names which I will likely never abandon, no matter what absurdities may be taking place in their back yards: Heinz ketchup and Fritos corn chips. (No substitutes are accepted, at least at the checkout counter; I may not have the option at a lunch counter.)

And I’m not emotionally wedded to Shell V-Power gasoline, but it’s never let me down, except when I look at the receipt to see how much I paid.


  1. Jeffro »

    27 August 2013 · 9:52 pm

    Charmin, baybee.

  2. fillyjonk »

    28 August 2013 · 7:08 am

    Paper Towels. I will buy Bounty or Brawny, but not the “we-work-trust-us” store brand, or the “Grade Z paper with bits of wood still in it” store brand. Because when I’m wiping up raw chicken runoff, I don’t want a crappy paper towel that poops out on me.

    My university buys the “Grade Z paper” brand for the labs. I just hope there’s never a severe spill in one of them.

    (And I have to say, I get this is my “privilege” speaking here, but one of the saddest things I have heard about the crappy economy is people having to shop at the Dollar stores because they can’t afford Wal-Mart any more….)

  3. CGHill »

    28 August 2013 · 7:10 am

    The makers of Grade Z, I suspect, were also behind an artifact from my youth: the “Big Chief” writing tablet, which contained all manner of wood, not all of which was pulp.

  4. fillyjonk »

    28 August 2013 · 7:50 am

    The very inspiration for same. (tip of the hat to Bill Cosby….)

  5. Cripes Suzette »

    28 August 2013 · 8:48 am

    One time way way back, I had a canister of some kind of brand name toilet bowl cleaner. Man, that was really something. I can’t remember the name of it but I remember the little pellets falling into the water, the foaming that started by itself without any further action from me and the dramatic moment of the flush when a sparkling clean bowl was revealed.

    That was a brand name purchase worth making. I wonder if they still produce that stuff? I wouldn’t know because now I use pine oil and manual effort.

  6. CGHill »

    28 August 2013 · 9:54 am

    That was Vanish. They’ve switched entirely to liquids and drop-in tablets.

  7. Cripes Suzette »

    28 August 2013 · 2:56 pm

    Yes Vanish! While I’d pay for the brand name in that case, I would only buy the store brand of drop-ins.

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