Myocardial ingestion

Way back in ought-six, I did a paragraph or two about the Heart Attack Grill, then in Tempe, Arizona, and noted that they were seeking other locations.

They apparently have relocated to Las Vegas, where Wombat-socho gave them a try:

One of the reasons I like Carl’s Jr./Hardees is their in-your-face response to the food Puritans who think we all ought to be eating local-source organically-grown artisanal tofu, and the Heart Attack Grill turns that attitude up to 11. Nothing, absolutely nothing on the menu is good for you in the traditional sense*, and the staff takes great relish in dishing up the Bypass Burgers — available up to Octuple Bypass Size with eight half-pound patties, cheese, chili, onions, tomatoes, and an optional 40 slices of bacon — Flatliner Fries cooked in lard, milkshakes with the world’s highest butterfat content, beer, booze, unfiltered cigarettes, wine served in intravenous bags … it just goes on and on, set against a backdrop of hilarious movie parody posters and a “Last Supper” style mural in which Dr. Jon serves a quadruple bypass burger and flatliner fries to his fast food mascot apostles. Diners are provided with hospital gowns on entry, which is helpful if you’re a messy eater; patients who fail to respond to treatment (i.e., not finishing their burger) are spanked by the “nurses” or “doctors” on duty as appropriate. And those nurses have some quality arms, let me tell you — not from personal experience, mind you; I finished my burgers. Oh yes — diners who weigh in at 350 or more pounds get their Bypass Burger for free with purchase of beverage, and since I am a wombat of bulk, if not definition, I took full advantage of this — but tipped as if I had paid for the burgers, because I’m not a schmuck.

That specific weight figure saddens me just a little, since I actually have been over 350. (I’m not now.) And really, I don’t think I can eat that much anymore; my modest trencherman days have long since passed.

Oh, to complete the footnote:

* They do have bottled water, which may be the one thing on the menu that nutritionists would agree is good for you.

Yeah. But screw ’em anyway.





6 comments

  1. Bill Peschel »

    6 June 2014 · 8:05 pm

    The highest I reached was 236 and I hope never to see those numbers again.

    I’m reading an excellent book on obesity called “The Obesity Paradox” that mentions that the fat = weight correlation has never been proven. He points to studies that show it’s better to be obese and fit than thin and not. If nothing else, among those who undergo serious health problems, the overweight people have (fat) stores to draw on, while the skinnies do not.

    So I wouldn’t mind visiting the HAG, but I’m not going to even consider downing one in a go. Perhaps they do take-out?

  2. jsallison »

    7 June 2014 · 12:15 am

    One of these days I’m going to indulge in the Icehouse’s bacon cheeseburger and a beer. They’re located at the Myriad Gardens just south of where I earn my coin of the realm. Nick’s restaurant is rumored to provide those who scorch meat at this remote location.

  3. McGehee »

    7 June 2014 · 8:19 am

    At times I have described my maximum weight as “somewhere between 300 pounds and ‘aircraft carrier’.”

    The Heart Attack Grill wouldn’t have let me in the door (assuming I would have fit).

  4. fillyjonk »

    7 June 2014 · 9:32 am

    I wouldn’t care to eat there (I’d wind up getting “harassed” by the doctor – my appetite is not what it was when I was a teen) but I’m glad they exist. Even if, at my all-time heaviest, I was still an entire person or so shy of the discount weight.

  5. Wombat-socho »

    7 June 2014 · 10:43 am

    McGehee, they most assuredly would have let you in. They used to have a regular customer who weighed over 400 pounds.

  6. McGehee »

    7 June 2014 · 11:28 am

    But could he eat his weight in one sitting?

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