When it doesn’t matter anymore

Good old Aubrey McClendon. I wasn’t intending to follow his example this morning when I floored it and headed for that brick wall. But after the smoke cleared and I was facing the opposite direction, I figured out that this was the next warning before everything comes to a permanent halt.

And having survived this instant, I began to wonder why: would it not have made more sense to take me out of the picture once and for all? This is the perfect scenario, after all: no one else was affected. I hate the thought of taking someone with me when I go.

So maybe, underneath it all, I was trying to hurry along the process, since life itself is becoming increasingly meaningless and my physical body is nowhere near the road to recovery.

Maybe it is time for me to go.

Update, 5 pm: Total loss. And it gets funnier: well, at least it’s at the body shop, right? Wrong-O, Buffalo Bob. They don’t work on crummy old salvage cars.


  1. Bill Peschel »

    5 July 2017 · 10:12 am

    I can’t imagine saying anything that doesn’t sound puerile, presumptuous, or helpful, One of the perils of forming longtime connections solely online, through bursts of disconnected thoughts. So if you could imagine me nodding solemnly and showing a concerned face it would help.

  2. ETat »

    5 July 2017 · 10:40 am

    But how and why – if you didn’t intend it? You’ve been driving what, 40+ years? It can’t be due to inexperience/lost control. Did you have a blackout?

  3. CGHill »

    5 July 2017 · 10:52 am

    Most reasonable explanation: bad nerves in the legs resulted in pedals in the wrong positions, but not detectably so.

  4. Holly H »

    5 July 2017 · 10:57 am

    So sorry about that, man. Could’ve been worse. But yeah, I know that doesn’t help much, because you’re worried about next time.

    Would it help any to remind you that your online fans need you?

  5. ETat »

    5 July 2017 · 12:09 pm

    Is there a way to get your insurance to pay for outfitting your car with optional hands’? controls

  6. fillyjonk »

    5 July 2017 · 1:38 pm

    As I said on Twitter: oh dear.

    And I’m sorry. And completely, 100% what Bill said. (One of the hard things about Internet friendships is…well, there’s often not an in-person component, and yet, they’re still friendships and…I’m not saying this very well, but…one does get attached to people, even people one has never met in person)

  7. Peter »

    5 July 2017 · 2:34 pm

    I very much hope not, you’re wonderful!

  8. Holly H »

    5 July 2017 · 2:44 pm

    I have decided that you need a cat. Expect more nagging on that subject in the future.

  9. CGHill »

    5 July 2017 · 3:47 pm

    I can barely take care of myself. Why subject an innocent cat to that?

  10. fillyjonk »

    5 July 2017 · 4:03 pm

    Cats also tend to be trip hazards, which is why my parents never replaced their old cats after they died.

  11. McG »

    5 July 2017 · 4:38 pm

    Fortunately the last cat I tripped over, and whom I was sure at the time I had wound up stepping smack-dab on with all my weight, suffered no harm from the incident — and even learned from it.

    It might be worth looking into hand controls for your car’s brake and throttle.

  12. McG »

    5 July 2017 · 6:27 pm

    <after update>

    …or a replacement car that already has hand controls?

  13. CGHill »

    5 July 2017 · 8:16 pm

    The major objective here is not to go into debt. Buying something new, or merely gently used, is out of the question.

  14. In The Mailbox: 07.05.17 : The Other McCain »

    5 July 2017 · 9:02 pm

    […] Dustbury: When It Doesn’t Matter Any More […]

  15. ETat »

    6 July 2017 · 7:03 am

    Chaz, you’re wrong here [sorry]. Major objective is to maintain your health and relative mobility. If hand-controlled car is what you need for it, then it flies on top of the list.
    Again – where is your insurance on that? Car ins., medical ins. – wouldn’t it be exactly the situation for them to pay? maybe I don’t understand something.

  16. Holly H »

    6 July 2017 · 8:36 am

    Have to agree with the hand-controls school of thought. And I’m not giving up on the cat idea just yet.

    I know it may seem silly. But I’m quite serious about it. There are studies, you know, that show therapeutic effects from caring for an animal. I agree that if you can’t take care of one properly, this idea won’t work. But I’m going to interview you carefully, on that topic.

    As for tripping, yes. I trip on my cats all the time. Totally worth the risk, to me. Besides which, folks who move fast are MUCH more likely to trip over them.

  17. CGHill »

    6 July 2017 · 3:07 pm

    My major objection to hand controls is that I am far clumsier that way: one arm has picked up a not-sporadic-enough shake, and I don’t have anywhere near the upper-body strength I used to.

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