Blatant profiling

If your taste in fiction runs to the Utterly Implausible, you could read a sheaf of political-party platforms, or you could browse profiles at Match.com:

No matter what the boys told you down at the Auto Zone, no woman wants to see you flexing in front of your Jeep. Because we know you’ll inevitably end up looking more at yourself than looking at us. And we suspect that you might watch MTV Spring Break specials well into your 50s. And not really understand why they don’t give the Dateline predators a second chance.

I’m also going to give a heads up to the boys who don’t seem to know that women have seen cropped photos before. See, we recognize when you cut your ex-girlfriend out of a picture, or all of the 27 pictures you used for your profile. Because women worth their salt and their Lasik know that you don’t have blonde extensions on the right side of your head and that the perky breast eclipsing your arm probably doesn’t belong to your mother. Unless when that photo was taken you were bagging your mom. Which she of course is hoping you were not. And are not.

There also seems to be an overabundance of guys who don’t have the foggiest idea as to how one writes a paragraph about himself. In many cases, these men opt instead and not all that cleverly to pen something expressive along the lines of, “you’ll know when you meet me,” or “mere English words cannot capture the essence of my innards” or “let’s cut thru this and git her done.” I wish Match hired reviewers that wouldn’t only rule out objectionable profile content, but who would also offer suggestions to the guys who just can’t pull 250 words together. For example, a self-reference of “simple” just isn’t a mating selling point. Simple is great in recipes and vibrator instructions. In reference to humans, it’s pretty much synonymous with having to be fed dinner through a straw or not understanding just why sisters and brothers shouldn’t have children.

On the other hand, a character who describes himself with a straight face as “complex” perhaps realizes that what he meant to say was “You’ll find my moods mercurial and my desires incomprehensible,” and maybe even dimly suspects that this might not actually qualify as a turn-on.

I admit to being unable to write 250 words about myself — not 250 persuasive words, anyway — but for the record, I have never watched even one MTV Spring Break Special, and I am, yes, well into my 50s.





6 comments

  1. McGehee »

    3 November 2007 · 9:58 pm

    Considering the success I had with the Mensa Singles SIG, maybe I could finally make money writing, by composing guys’ dating-service introductions.

    Hmmm…

  2. Dwayne "the canoe guy" »

    3 November 2007 · 10:31 pm

    I would describe myself as “concise”

  3. CGHill »

    3 November 2007 · 10:45 pm

    “Succinct,” even.

  4. McGehee »

    3 November 2007 · 11:16 pm

    Another 50 pounds off the chassis and I might qualify for “brief.”

  5. CGHill »

    3 November 2007 · 11:25 pm

    As opposed to “boxer”?

  6. McGehee »

    4 November 2007 · 8:18 am

    Pretty much. Even that was an improvement on “Sumo wrestler.”

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