Won’t you take me to Scarytown?

Samples from a list of the 10 Scariest Cities in America:

Baltimore [#3] is the most rat-infested city in America. I recommend that you keep one eye open while sleeping, or you might end up with a rat’s nest in your hair.

A recent study done by Hallmark showed that El Paso [#4] has the worst sense of humor of any other place in the country. They also have the lowest greeting card sales numbers. I wouldn’t dare crack a joke in this town.

[Los Angeles — #10] The city with the largest class stratification in America, complete with plenty of slimy millionaires and tons of boob jobs. Enough said.

Let it be known that at one time I was considering a Pacific Northwest loop for a future World Tour. However, at the moment I don’t think it’s a good idea to show up anywhere near Seattle with Oklahoma plates.





4 comments

  1. fillyjonk »

    3 July 2008 · 1:20 pm

    Death Valley – not that bad, actually. I’ve been there. It helps to have a car with a good A/C system.

    First real roadrunner I ever saw in my life was in Death Valley. Come to think of it, it was a pretty interesting place. Wouldn’t want to live there, though.

    I do tend to agree on Las Vegas. Just imagining the sheer amount of water diverted from the Colorado River (or whatever source) to keep that place alive makes me shudder a bit.

  2. CGHill »

    3 July 2008 · 7:11 pm

    One afternoon in the Mojave, I discovered that there are few sights more welcome than a driver carrying extra engine coolant. (I used to lug around two or three gallons, just in case.)

    If I remember correctly, most of Las Vegas’ water does come from the Colorado: there are pipeline projects in the works to get water from other sources, but the demand so far is outstripping the supply.

  3. Francis W. Porretto »

    4 July 2008 · 5:03 am

    What’s so scary about a boob job? Were these attack boobs, trained to leap out of their holders and smother an assailant at his first aggressive move? Or were they merely painted in a garish neo-Expressionist idiom that evoked memories of Andy Warhol’s Dracula?

  4. CGHill »

    4 July 2008 · 11:22 am

    What I find offputting about boob jobs is the underlying assumption that every woman should look like she’s working on a Russ Meyer film. Not that I have anything against Russ Meyer films — I bought some back in the LaserDisc era — but I prefer a more distinct line between fantasy and reality.

    That said, I recall one really exemplary operation, albeit retrograde. She went from a double-D and chronic back pain to a stunningly-perky just-under-C: a teenage rack on a woman in her forties. (Eventually she married a fellow about twenty years her junior, and they lived happily ever after.) They should all be so successful.

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