Don’t hate me because I’m thinner
If that sounds almost apologetic, it’s because we have a tendency to make it so:
Long story short, I have been dramatically dropping weight over the past 9 months and everyone has noticed. Some people make comments, some people don’t … but everyone has noticed. There is no way for people NOT to notice, unless they’re blind. It even shows on my face. I got carded today and the woman told me that my license picture doesn’t even look like me. Yep, that’s what losing 25% of your body weight will do.
Here’s the thing … I have not been trying to lose weight. At all, really. I got skinny because I have been really sick this year.
So now I apparently look all hot (or at least way more attractive than “fatty Kathy”) because I conform better to society’s beauty standards. I’m getting complimented all the time, and all the while feeling like crap. This happened to me all summer especially when I was dropping the pounds at a dramatic rate (and when I felt the most terrible physically). People would compliment me on how good and thin I looked (“OMG you lost weight! You look great!”) and while it stroked my ego, I also felt absolutely awful. The first few times I responded with some sort of mumbled change of subject, but after that I gave up and started saying thank you just to end the conversation, all the while feeling like a horrible vain hypocritical terrible person.
And there are, I think, two separate factors contributing to this horrible vain terrible hypocrisy: the usual nonsense about how in the best of all possible worlds we all resemble supermodels, multiplied by a quite reasonable unwillingness to take credit for something that wasn’t even slightly deliberate. (This latter, incidentally, permanently disqualifies Kathy from political office.)
I hate when people tell me how “good I’m looking,” 1) because it implies that I didn’t look good before, which I think I did, thank you very much, and 2) because my body is no one else’s business. How rude and presumptive is it to comment on someone else’s weight loss, weight gain, etc.? I know these folks mean well, but it pisses me off.
Even worse, though, is when I occasionally feel a little twinge of pride about it. Even though I realize the inherent absurdity … losing (or gaining) weight says nothing about your character, or even about your attractiveness. (Well, maybe to some people weight is an indicator of character and attractiveness, but those are people I don’t want in my life.) So when you have that weak moment where a comment makes you feel good, you do feel awful at the same time.
It doesn’t help, I think, that the Health Industry has been vending this “BMI Is Destiny” stuff for so long now that some women (and entirely too many men, really) are starting to believe that supermodel contours are actually normal.
Things might be a little easier for guys, since we can joke about it. “You know that business about the camera adding ten pounds? I need to smash half a dozen cameras.” This is not to say that women can’t joke about it, but often as not, it seems to me, they won’t. (As always, your mileage may vary.)
There are lots of thin people who look down their noses at fat people simply because they’re fat … but there are lots and lots of fat people who automatically do not trust someone who’s thin, probably because they feel inferior and perhaps because they’ve been MADE to feel inferior in the past.
Some of you may have noticed the picture of Natasha Henstridge a few posts ago, a blatant bid for Rule 5 linkage, Sunday being a slow day in these parts. In Real Life™, though, women I can actually talk to are a lot more welcome than women I can merely stare at.
amba (Annie Gottlieb) »
18 October 2009 · 9:48 am
I’m sending this link to my niece, who wrote this on much the same subject.
GraceKathryn »
18 October 2009 · 11:33 am
I’m kind of stressing out now because I think I might have sounded kind of horrible (read: narcissistic) in the original post quoted above. I actually wrote a follow up post to address it yesterday because I was stressing about it so much, if anyone is interested. (I also created a super-scientific poll to go along with the same theme but I haven’t put it up yet. Wordpress polls are very scientific).
And I disqualified myself from political office 10 years ago when I de-registered from one of the major parties and registered independent. I’m actually kind of bitter about it.
CGHill »
18 October 2009 · 12:17 pm
Actually, I saw the follow-up before I saw the original post. And truth be told, I didn’t see anything that smacked of narcissism in either: this is a genuine issue that bedevils real people, and to get a grip on your own feelings, you have to examine them in detail. This isn’t some exercise in navel-gazing.
On the political matter, consider the case of Arlen Specter, who changes parties more often than Paris Hilton, apparently for much the same reason.
Jan »
18 October 2009 · 2:51 pm
My thoughts are in line with Sarah’s. I think it is terribly rude to comment on another person’s body, whether for the good or the bad. Surely a person can think of something less shallow to say.
Charles Pergiel »
19 October 2009 · 2:02 am
I really liked the picture of Natasha. In my eyes thinner women are more attractive. I see obese women and I wonder how you could you let yourself get that big? And then I look at my own waist line which has been steadily expanding for the last umpteen years. I only need to lose 10 or 20 or maybe 50 pounds, not hundreds, but I can’t even do that. I think it’s either psychological, or it’s all the teflon that’s found it’s way into out bodies.
And brains do count for something, but finding someone you can talk to can be even more difficult than finding someone who will accept your physical appearance.