News Item: Rosie O'Donnell is ending her publishing deal with Gruner + Jahr USA. Matthew Rose says G+J CEO Daniel Brewster told Rosie mag staffers that O'Donnell is effectively shutting down the magazine, but the company will consider other publishing options using the existing infrastructure.

Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Magazine To Replace Rosie:

10.  R: The Ricki Magazine
  9.  Shopping with Winona
  8.  We're Not Redbook, Dammit
  7.  Sharon Osbourne's Family Circle
  6.  Sewing Patterns Again!
  5.  Up Yours — And Other Helpful Tips
  4.  Lifetime Original Movie Digest
  3.  As Seen On QVC
  2.  NASCAR Girl!
  1.  Ellen

My cable company, and probably also yours, is doing the hard-sell on the Digital Cable package, which doesn't actually carry digital television but which does contain about 400 channels, some of which you wouldn't watch if they put a gun to your head.

Hmmm....

Top Ten Least Popular Cable Channels

  10. VH3
    9. Assyrian Movie Classics
    8. ESPN for Dwarves
    7. Tragedy Central
    6. CNMSNBFDNBC
    5. Traffic Court TV
    4. Vegetable Planet
    3. Narc at Nite
    2. The Yahtzee Channel
    1. SCM (Sandler Classic Movies)

Nothing essential here, I should think.

If it's seemed to you, as it has to me, that Baghdad isn't putting up much of a fight, well, their arsenal has been, um, rather inaccurately inventoried of late. To correct this error: from the Home Office, hurriedly being relocated to Mozambique even as we speak, Play One on TV presents the Top Ten Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.

(Cripes, even I have one of these.)

Here's another text file from the catacombs deep beneath drive D:, dated 30 August 1990. I have no idea where it came from (and if you know proper attribution, please advise). If you write humor, here are ten questions you should be asking yourself:

1. Will my writing make people laugh?

2. Will my writing make people see life differently?

3. Will my writing make the world a safer place for sheep?

4. In case my writing doesn't sell, have I used paper that will double as a coffee filter?

5. If people don't get my jokes, are people stupid or do they simply have no sense of humor?

6. When a 1" melon ball appears anonymously in my mailbox with a note that says "THUMB INDEX," does it mean I've somehow offended the spirit of Dan Blocker?

7. If I'm religious and I swat thirty mosquitoes on a white wall and connect the dots, should I move to the state that the drawing most resembles?

8. If many people's problems are the result of faulty toilet training, shouldn't someone get out there and fix all those faulty toilets?

9. If ladies lead when couples dance backwards, then who wears the pants in a nudist family?

10. If David Letterman were a nice guy, would he be selling shoes at Sears?

11. Oops, I said 10 things. Oh well. Writers always ask themselves more questions than normal people, because they have more answers.

At the suggestion of DavidMSC, I betook myself to BlogMatcher, a Googlesque-looking page that purports to find "other blogs that appear to discuss similar topics." Okay, fair enough. They found 1081 (!) blogs that met their criteria, so the least I could do is look at the Top Ten, and wouldn't you know it, my Top Ten includes nine blogs:

[fanfare]

10. VodkaPundit
  9. Quit That!
  8. DailyPundit
  7. Quidnunc
  6. cut on the bias
  5. cut on the bias (again!)
  4. How Appealing
  3. On the Third Hand
  2. No Watermelons Allowed
  1. Silflay Hraka

The duplication, of course, occurs because of minor differences in the URL. And who would have thought I'd draw two blogs starting with Q?

Two obvious observations:

• I seem to be in pretty good company here;
  
• I really should try to be nicer to Susanna Cornett.
  

(Dave? You were #13.)

Matt Deatherage's Top Ten Bath & Body Works Rejected Scents:

10. Cape Cod Cod
  9. Kale Rub
  8. Sparkling Ex-Lax
  7. Vermicious Vanilla
  6. Aromathuggery
  5. Natural Gas
  4. Fresh Prairie Grasshopper
  3. Creamy Placenta
  2. Mountain Compost
  1. Forest Whitaker

Uh, thanks, Matt.

Iraq, it goes without saying, is not Vietnam.

Of course, things that go without saying usually end up said anyway, so:

Iraq is not Vietnam.

Note-It Posts, to amplify this point, offers the Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Iraq Is Not Vietnam. A sampling thereof:

Seven more where these came from.

I mean, really: Top Ten Things You May Not Know About Dawn Eden, by Dawn Eden's mom.

The next fifty or sixty are probably just as fascinating, but I can wait. And anyway, it's not like nothing unusual has ever shown up on The Dawn Patrol; my actual phone number turned up there once, though this was my fault and it's not like Dawn ever calls anyway.

Lynn S. says that these are the greatest symphonic endings of all time:

An impressive set. I might suggest the following for #6 and below:

• Prokofiev's Piano Concerto No. 3 (always makes me hyperventilate)

• Ravel's Boléro (yeah, I know, we're glad it's over)

• Haydn's Symphony No. 60 (the fake ending after the fourth movement; there are two movements to come)

• Holst's The Planets (pick either the end of "Mars," which is thunderous and scary, or the end of "Neptune", which is ethereal and almost as scary)
  

Hmmm. Wonder if next we should try beginnings?

(Update, 8:20 pm: Greg Hlatky offers his Top Ten, which duplicates none of the above.)

Top Ten possible new names for the city of Lawton:

  10.  Arridextra
    9.  Spentshell
    8.  Cache Heights
    7.  Offlimits
    6.  Faxon Farms
    5.  Sillville
    4.  Cooler Than Altus
    3.  Wichita Springs
    2.  Dustbunny
    1.  Lawlesston

(Tip of the sombrero to Mike H.)

Eternity is a concept I find particularly troubling, if only because it seems to go on for so long. And while death is a scary prospect, one I'm not exactly anticipating with glee, I really don't think I want to live forever either, and I can give you lots of reasons. The top 10 follow:

10.  Could single-handedly bankrupt Social Security

  9.  Methuselah, by age 969, had to endure over fifty thousand Mondays

  8.  Not looking forward to CSI: Bakersfield

  7.  Just imagine a metric ton of Metamucil

  6.  Might want to vote in King County, Washington some day

  5.  The oldies stations will have quit playing the Beatles

  4.  Things have just gone to hell since Lindsay Lohan retired as Chief Justice

  3.  We finally get flying cars and I'm too old to drive

  2.  New Reform Democrats bitching about the 2288 election

  1.  Deleting ten-trillionth comment spam

Under the general heading of Love Stories I've Heard Entirely Too Much Of These Days, you'll find the Anakin Skywalker/Padmé Amidala romance, which is of course doomed, and the Kenny Chesney/Renée Zellweger match, which isn't. Yet.

It takes Fametracker, though, to fuse these into a single concept: The Billboard Country Music Top Ten If Kenny Chesney Were Anakin Skywalker and Renée Zellweger Were Padmé Amidala.

Grateful they didn't mention Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I am.

The eleventh item on the Oklahoma Gazette's "The Best of OKC" ballot is "Best blog," a category they didn't even have [link requires Adobe Reader] last year.

Now I've read the Gazette long enough to know that they pull in some extra ads during the issues the ballots are circulated, ads from firms and services hoping you'll remember their names when you complete your ballot, and, if you're really lucky, explaining why you should.

You won't find this sort of thing here, not because I'm a shoo-in, which I'm not, but because for every reason I could think of why you should vote for dustbury.com for Best Blog — well, here are the Top Ten reasons why you shouldn't:

10.  Does anybody understand those damn category names?

  9.  Inadequate coverage of busty lesbian ninja pirates.

  8.  Gets enough free publicity already.

  7.  Lamest post title in the history of blogdom.

  6.  Has the temerity to invent forms of profanity instead of sticking to the tried and true.

  5.  Constantly whining.

  4.  Can't pronounce a simple name like "Xrlq".

  3.  Hardly an inimitable style.

  2.  Still hasn't gotten around to naming She Who Is Not To Be Named.

  1.  750,000 people can so be wrong.

Top Ten new opportunities for ousted WB mascot Michigan J. Frog:

10.  A cinch to win on American Idol

  9.  Spokesamphibian for Nair®

  8.  Editing the newest Gawker Media blog

  7.  Ambassador to France (pending confirmation)

  6.  Kicking the asses of those damn Budweiser frogs

  5.  Could actually do Old Navy ads without having to wear the garb advertised

  4.  Mayor of San Diego

  3.  Summer replacement for N. Z. Bear

  2.  Kermit's special friend

  1.  Chairman, Democratic National Committee

Top Ten signs that terrorists have infiltrated the blogosphere:

And the Number One sign terrorists have infiltrated the blogosphere:

(From BlogHerald by way of Fistful of Fortnights.)

Put an "In Case of Emergency" entry on your cell-phone? Don't bother. D. Bunny explains why:

Um, I don't have any last names in my cell's phone book.

Otherwise, this seems eminently sensible to me.

From "Mother Sally" Allen at NewsOK.com:

Fortunately for me, I will never have to deal with Rule Four.

Greg Hlatky's Houston evacuation routes:

Um, two lumps, please.

Our man with the high explosives in Norman presumably violated the majority of these helpful rules for Philadelphia suicides:

Other than suggesting that you take your shower before you get dressed, I wouldn't change a thing. Those of you inclined to off yourselves, please consider the impact of your act — if not upon your immediate family, then certainly upon the investigating officers.

Last fall, ABC News put out a poll purporting to show "surprising new findings" about American sexual attitudes, including a sidebar to the effect that Republicans were more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats. I responded with the top 10 reasons why.

This is not to say, of course, that Democrats take this sort of thing lying down, and last week at the Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest, Rep. Linda Sanchez (D-CA) pointed out that "all the Republicans who hit on me are married and all the Democrats who hit on me are gay."

But she won't date a Republican anyway, and here are the top 10 reasons why:

(Disclosure: I'm not dating anyone. If this is a surprise to you, you must be new here.)

There are, reports Aldahlia in this field guide, four standard types of contemporary Nazis:

Mary-Kate and Ashley Himmler, apparently, are descended from Type 3.

McGehee wants to know why anyone would read his blog.

The Top Ten reasons follow:

10. Has steadfastly refused to post pictures of the Olsen twins unclad

9. Posts more of an Atlanta Journal-Constitution article than ajc.com will let you read without giving them a two-page autobiography

8. Doesn't write essays about the need for people to floss more regularly for good dental health

7. A couple of my commenters think he's cool

6. His site has made me about B$1.1 million on BlogShares

5. Is way higher than I am in the Ecosystem, making it advisable for me to suck up

4. Did I mention the Olsen twins?

3. Is nearly as snarky in his posts as he is in his caption-contest entries

2. Stands firmly for telling Fulton County, Georgia to put a sock in it
   

And the Number One reason I read McGehee's blog:

1. It gives me one additional reason to want to buy him a beer
   

(Assuming, of course, he's allowed to have beer. You never know, these days.)

Hmmm. Record-jacket art, eh? Okay, I'll play.

Most recognizable (by general public) album cover:
Probably Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon; after all, it did spend something like fifteen years on the charts, and I read somewhere that one out of every 20 persons under 50 in this country owns a copy. I'm no longer under 50, but I still have my LP (and, for traveling purposes, the CD). And the hair stands up on the back of my neck when those infernal clocks go off in "Time," even now.



Personal favorite album cover:
I think perhaps It's a Beautiful Day: I never quite get tired of looking at it, and the LP itself still gets spun now and again — to me, at least, it sounds better than the CD, even after thirty-seven years and the occasional click. (The original session tapes, I am told, are tucked away at Sony somewhere, and allegedly a lovely remastering job was done, but nothing ever came of it.)




Sexiest album cover:
I had to think about this one for a moment, and when I did, I realized it had to be a gatefold. For those who don't recognize it, which should be most of you, this is Mauriat Magic by Paul Mauriat and His Orchestra; this is the album which followed Blooming Hits, whence came the lilting "Love Is Blue." Magic had one smallish single — "Même si tu revenais," with the arbitrary English title "Love in Every Room" — and a rather revealing (for 1968, anyway) Victor Skrebneski photo. Then again, it doesn't reveal that much.

Top Ten album covers of all time (personal favorites):
Besides the three above, in no particular order:

• The Rolling Stones, Their Satanic Majesties Request (that weird lenticular thing)
  
• The Mothers of Invention, Weasels Ripped My Flesh
  
• Judy Collins, Wildflowers
  
• The Beatles, The Beatles (a.k.a. The White Album)
  
• The Who, Who's Next
  
• Joni Mitchell, Ladies of the Canyon
  
• Jethro Tull, Thick as a Brick (the fake newspaper)
  

And at any moment I'm sure I can think of ten or twenty others which deserve to be up here.

Then again, it's not like I've never poached anything from somebody else's comment section before.

The Top Ten Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain:

Thanks to Tom, Bart and Ace.

A University of Chicago survey suggests that Americans are suffering greater misery: 91.5 percent of us suffered at least one "negative life event" during 2004, up 2.4 percent from a previous survey in 1991, and the average number of NLEs was a whopping 4.3, up from 3.8.

The NLEs are on a scale from 1 to 100: the worst is the death of a child, which scores 94.3. The least-miserable event reported in the article is feeling ill enough to seek medical treatment, which scores 51.6. This sounds rather high, and suggests that the scale can't possibly be linear — how can two trips to the doctor (103.2) be worse than losing a child? — but it does suggest that there is plenty of room on the scale for minor inconveniences. For example:

• $300 gas bill: 18.5
  
• Toilet runs all day: 7.7
  
• Finding a beer can in your yard: 6.4
  
• It's a light beer: 9.6
  
• The phone rings at the office: 8.2
  
• It's two minutes after opening: 12.3
  
• It's two minutes before closing: 16.4
  
• Your Congressman has been taking money from Jack Abramoff: 4.5
  
• He's going to keep it because there was nothing wrong with it: 6.6
  
• He's going to give it back and thereby expiate his guilt: 11.8
  
• Your bandwidth bill goes up as your RSS feed is picked up by 1500 a day: 2.1
  
• 1440 of them are spam blogs: 20.7
  
• Your basketball team is displaced by a natural disaster: 11.5
  
• They make twice as much money in their temporary home: 46.8
  
• Your girlfriend wants to see one of those chick flicks: 9.7
  
• It's Brokeback Mountain: 13.5
  
• You dream about your ex: 3.8
  
• You enjoyed it: 9.4
  
• You discover someone has already done a better version of this: 10.6
  

(Original survey found via such small hands.)

News item: CBS Corp. and Time Warner Inc.'s Warner Brothers television network said Tuesday that they will close their respective UPN and WB networks and jointly launch the CW network.

Top ten network names rejected before coming up with "the CW":

10. WU
    
9. VH2
   
8. Way the hell out on channel 37
   
7. SortaEthnicNet
   
6. NotFox
   
5. Mineral Planet
   
4. WCWD (Who Cares, We're Digital)
   
3. ReallyNotFox
   
2. USB Network
   
1. BFD
   

Check your local listings.

Addendum: Any similarity to this is almost certainly deliberate.

Not having anywhere nearly as much fame as James Frey, I figure I'm going to have to punch up some of the incidents in my inevitable upcoming memoir, and where punching up isn't enough, I'm just going to have to fabricate things.

Top Ten possible embellishments:

10. Actually worked at 142nd and Treadmill
    
9. Once really ticked off Chuck Norris
   
8. Only wrote 100 blog posts; the next 5900 were thinly-disguised rewrites thereof
   
7. Those four seasons I spent in the NFL
   
6. One World Tour actually included the International Space Station, though figuring the mileage proved to be too difficult
   
5. All the Vents were written as one humongous text file back in 1995; I just pull out 5k chunks as needed
   
4. Sent a check to the guy who runs SiteMeter
   
3. My shelf contains only two records, both by the 1910 Fruitgum Company
   
2. That torrid affair with Dawn Eden Rene Russo Ann Coulter Maria from Sesame Street Maureen Dowd Aisha Tyler [oh, forget it, no one is gonna believe any of these]
   
1. Originally it was "She Who Is Not To Be Clothed"
   

Of course, I'll have to delete this post when the book comes out.

Fake news item: "Responding to mounting public pressure that the name of the nation's 46th state is offensive to Native Americans, the Oklahoma Legislature has passed and Governor Brad Henry has signed into law legislation that will change the name of the state of Oklahoma effective November 16, 2007. The law, which was drafted by Oklahoma State Senator Polly K. Rekt (I-Bowlegs), calls for a blue-ribbon commission, selected by the Governor, to propose three new names for the state."

From my own Pabst Blue Ribbon commission, the Top Ten Unlikely New Names for the State Previously Known as Oklahoma:

10. Bricktown Adjacent
    
9. Nazareno
   
8. Funnelland
   
7. Shotkickers
   
6. New New Mexico
   
5. Istuchas
   
4. [this space reserved for Rodgers and/or Hammerstein]
   
3. Claynation
   
2. Arrid Extra Dry
   
1. Dustbury [under license]
   

New signage will go up about as soon as we finish cleaning up the rest stops on the Interstates.

News Item: Monopoly® money will be phased out in a new version of the game in a bid to keep up with the times. Instead players will use mock Visa debit cards to keep track of how much money they are winning or losing. An electronic machine is provided, which allows the banker to transfer money from players and record their earnings and payments.

Top Ten Other Unnecessary Enhancements to Monopoly®:

10. "Free Parking" now costs $20
    
9. St. Charles Place and St. James Place changed to "Charles Place" and "James Place" so as to avoid offending non-Christians
   
8. Boardwalk must now be developed with actual boards
   
7. Players forced to Go To Jail must pay for their meals
   
6. Quadruple rent on Electric Company (California edition only)
   
5. Short Line to be lengthened
   
4. $200 for passing Go expires after ten turns unless renewed
   
3. New "Section 8" Community Chest card cuts rent on Ventnor and Marvin Gardens to $8
   
2. Banker gets three extra Get Out of Jail Free cards
   
1. Luxury Tax replaced by Gas-Guzzler Tax
   

That sound you hear is the synchronized spinning of the Parker Brothers.

You have to figure that nobody opening a restaurant suddenly jumps up and shouts, "I've got it! Let's call it Hitler's Cross!" Not likely. Filed away with WD-30 and Preparation C and Nissan's original Infiniti Limited Edition were these rejected theme-restaurant ideas:

10. Attila the Honeybaked Ham
9. Ayatollah Khomestibles
8. International House of Pancreas
7. Goebbels and Bites
6. Nero's Fiddlesticks
5. Jack the Ripper in the Box
4. T. G. I. Frightening's
3. Genghis Khannoli
2. The Yellowcake Factory
1. Taco Tojo

Look for coupons in Wednesday's paper.