18 September 2002
From the Really Dead Tree Department

News Item: Rosie O'Donnell is ending her publishing deal with Gruner + Jahr USA. Matthew Rose says G+J CEO Daniel Brewster told Rosie mag staffers that O'Donnell is effectively shutting down the magazine, but the company will consider other publishing options using the existing infrastructure.

Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Magazine To Replace Rosie:

10.  R: The Ricki Magazine
  9.  Shopping with Winona
  8.  We're Not Redbook, Dammit
  7.  Sharon Osbourne's Family Circle
  6.  Sewing Patterns Again!
  5.  Up Yours — And Other Helpful Tips
  4.  Lifetime Original Movie Digest
  3.  As Seen On QVC
  2.  NASCAR Girl!
  1.  Ellen

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:00 PM)
16 December 2002
U can't watch this

My cable company, and probably also yours, is doing the hard-sell on the Digital Cable package, which doesn't actually carry digital television but which does contain about 400 channels, some of which you wouldn't watch if they put a gun to your head.

Hmmm....

Top Ten Least Popular Cable Channels

  10. VH3
    9. Assyrian Movie Classics
    8. ESPN for Dwarves
    7. Tragedy Central
    6. CNMSNBFDNBC
    5. Traffic Court TV
    4. Vegetable Planet
    3. Narc at Nite
    2. The Yahtzee Channel
    1. SCM (Sandler Classic Movies)

Nothing essential here, I should think.

Permalink to this item (posted at 2:53 PM)
22 March 2003
More things Blix missed

If it's seemed to you, as it has to me, that Baghdad isn't putting up much of a fight, well, their arsenal has been, um, rather inaccurately inventoried of late. To correct this error: from the Home Office, hurriedly being relocated to Mozambique even as we speak, Play One on TV presents the Top Ten Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.

(Cripes, even I have one of these.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 2:36 PM)
31 May 2003
More than faintly musty

Here's another text file from the catacombs deep beneath drive D:, dated 30 August 1990. I have no idea where it came from (and if you know proper attribution, please advise). If you write humor, here are ten questions you should be asking yourself:

1. Will my writing make people laugh?

2. Will my writing make people see life differently?

3. Will my writing make the world a safer place for sheep?

4. In case my writing doesn't sell, have I used paper that will double as a coffee filter?

5. If people don't get my jokes, are people stupid or do they simply have no sense of humor?

6. When a 1" melon ball appears anonymously in my mailbox with a note that says "THUMB INDEX," does it mean I've somehow offended the spirit of Dan Blocker?

7. If I'm religious and I swat thirty mosquitoes on a white wall and connect the dots, should I move to the state that the drawing most resembles?

8. If many people's problems are the result of faulty toilet training, shouldn't someone get out there and fix all those faulty toilets?

9. If ladies lead when couples dance backwards, then who wears the pants in a nudist family?

10. If David Letterman were a nice guy, would he be selling shoes at Sears?

11. Oops, I said 10 things. Oh well. Writers always ask themselves more questions than normal people, because they have more answers.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:24 AM)
29 June 2003
Somehow I'm not surprised

At the suggestion of DavidMSC, I betook myself to BlogMatcher, a Googlesque-looking page that purports to find "other blogs that appear to discuss similar topics." Okay, fair enough. They found 1081 (!) blogs that met their criteria, so the least I could do is look at the Top Ten, and wouldn't you know it, my Top Ten includes nine blogs:

[fanfare]

10. VodkaPundit
  9. Quit That!
  8. DailyPundit
  7. Quidnunc
  6. cut on the bias
  5. cut on the bias (again!)
  4. How Appealing
  3. On the Third Hand
  2. No Watermelons Allowed
  1. Silflay Hraka

The duplication, of course, occurs because of minor differences in the URL. And who would have thought I'd draw two blogs starting with Q?

Two obvious observations:

  • I seem to be in pretty good company here;
  • I really should try to be nicer to Susanna Cornett.

(Dave? You were #13.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 4:31 PM)
8 August 2003
Fragrante delicto

Matt Deatherage's Top Ten Bath & Body Works Rejected Scents:

10. Cape Cod Cod
  9. Kale Rub
  8. Sparkling Ex-Lax
  7. Vermicious Vanilla
  6. Aromathuggery
  5. Natural Gas
  4. Fresh Prairie Grasshopper
  3. Creamy Placenta
  2. Mountain Compost
  1. Forest Whitaker

Uh, thanks, Matt.

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:46 PM)
1 May 2004
Did I hear someone say "quagmire"?

Iraq, it goes without saying, is not Vietnam.

Of course, things that go without saying usually end up said anyway, so:

Iraq is not Vietnam.

Note-It Posts, to amplify this point, offers the Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Iraq Is Not Vietnam. A sampling thereof:

10. In all the radio traffic that Fox News has broadcast coming from Iraq, we haven't heard the phrase "Charlie" used a single time.

  3. 2004: Smallpox vaccines. 1965: Penicillin shots.

  2. John Kerry got two paper cuts and a stubbed toe last week, and hasn't received a single Purple Heart for his pain and anguish.

Seven more where these came from.

Permalink to this item (posted at 10:50 PM)
4 August 2004
Revenge of the Parental Unit

I mean, really: Top Ten Things You May Not Know About Dawn Eden, by Dawn Eden's mom.

The next fifty or sixty are probably just as fascinating, but I can wait. And anyway, it's not like nothing unusual has ever shown up on The Dawn Patrol; my actual phone number turned up there once, though this was my fault and it's not like Dawn ever calls anyway.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:28 AM)
18 September 2004
The last few bars

Lynn S. says that these are the greatest symphonic endings of all time:

Dvorak's Stabat Mater
Beethoven's 5th Symphony
Dvorak's 9th Symphony
Rossini's William Tell Overture
Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain (the Rimsky-Korsakov orchestration)

An impressive set. I might suggest the following for #6 and below:

  • Prokofiev's Piano Concerto No. 3 (always makes me hyperventilate)

  • Ravel's Boléro (yeah, I know, we're glad it's over)

  • Haydn's Symphony No. 60 (the fake ending after the fourth movement; there are two movements to come)

  • Holst's The Planets (pick either the end of "Mars," which is thunderous and scary, or the end of "Neptune", which is ethereal and almost as scary)

Hmmm. Wonder if next we should try beginnings?

(Update, 8:20 pm: Greg Hlatky offers his Top Ten, which duplicates none of the above.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 12:32 AM)
13 December 2004
"Slapout" was taken

Top Ten possible new names for the city of Lawton:

  10.  Arridextra
    9.  Spentshell
    8.  Cache Heights
    7.  Offlimits
    6.  Faxon Farms
    5.  Sillville
    4.  Cooler Than Altus
    3.  Wichita Springs
    2.  Dustbunny
    1.  Lawlesston

(Tip of the sombrero to Mike H.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 2:55 PM)
7 January 2005
Forever and ever, amen

Eternity is a concept I find particularly troubling, if only because it seems to go on for so long. And while death is a scary prospect, one I'm not exactly anticipating with glee, I really don't think I want to live forever either, and I can give you lots of reasons. The top 10 follow:

10.  Could single-handedly bankrupt Social Security

  9.  Methuselah, by age 969, had to endure over fifty thousand Mondays

  8.  Not looking forward to CSI: Bakersfield

  7.  Just imagine a metric ton of Metamucil

  6.  Might want to vote in King County, Washington some day

  5.  The oldies stations will have quit playing the Beatles

  4.  Things have just gone to hell since Lindsay Lohan retired as Chief Justice

  3.  We finally get flying cars and I'm too old to drive

  2.  New Reform Democrats bitching about the 2288 election

  1.  Deleting ten-trillionth comment spam

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:17 PM)
25 May 2005
It's a beautiful day in the Naboo 'hood

Under the general heading of Love Stories I've Heard Entirely Too Much Of These Days, you'll find the Anakin Skywalker/Padmé Amidala romance, which is of course doomed, and the Kenny Chesney/Renée Zellweger match, which isn't. Yet.

It takes Fametracker, though, to fuse these into a single concept: The Billboard Country Music Top Ten If Kenny Chesney Were Anakin Skywalker and Renée Zellweger Were Padmé Amidala.

Grateful they didn't mention Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I am.

Permalink to this item (posted at 1:12 PM)
14 June 2005
For your consideration

The eleventh item on the Oklahoma Gazette's "The Best of OKC" ballot is "Best blog," a category they didn't even have [link requires Adobe Reader] last year.

Now I've read the Gazette long enough to know that they pull in some extra ads during the issues the ballots are circulated, ads from firms and services hoping you'll remember their names when you complete your ballot, and, if you're really lucky, explaining why you should.

You won't find this sort of thing here, not because I'm a shoo-in, which I'm not, but because for every reason I could think of why you should vote for dustbury.com for Best Blog — well, here are the Top Ten reasons why you shouldn't:

10.  Does anybody understand those damn category names?

  9.  Inadequate coverage of busty lesbian ninja pirates.

  8.  Gets enough free publicity already.

  7.  Lamest post title in the history of blogdom.

  6.  Has the temerity to invent forms of profanity instead of