28 August 2005
Do I look like freaking Jeeves?

Today's log is even more full of questions than usual, and being the generous soul I am, I figured the least I could do is tackle some of them head-on. Every last one of these was a search-engine request that, reports SiteMeter, led to a page at this very domain.

Q.  How do I activate my new Capital One card?

A.  Call the number on the sticker. Surely you've seen it; it covers roughly one-third of the card's surface.

Q.  How important is NHS membership in college applications?

A.  It's a relatively minor criterion, since one does not get into the National Honor Society without meeting a specific grade standard, and they've presumably already looked at your grades.

Q.  If you get a [sic] eviction notice and then you pay all your rent what happens [in] Indiana?

A.  The landlord must file, concurrent with the notice, a complaint, usually with small-claims court; normally it will be dismissed if the rent due plus court costs and such are paid before the hearing date. (Keep in mind that I am not a lawyer and have never practiced anything other than self-denial in Indiana and if you take this as legal advice you are a bonehead.)

Q.  What is the most disgusting thing in nature?

A.  Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts.

Q.  Will you love me tomorrow?

A.  What's today?

Q.  Is my transmission the problem?

A.  First, check your dipstick.

Q.  What is normal penis length?

A.  First, check your dipstick.

All this in less than 24 hours. (And people say they want more Web traffic.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 4:18 PM)
29 September 2005
Strange search-engine queries

Some of what's come down the line just today:

"nancy sinatra" topless nude naked: I figure if she's either nude or naked, "topless" goes without saying.

can a woman get pregnant from a jackass: I could point you to a source, but it is contrary to site policy to post my ex-wife's email address here. I note in passing that I have two children.

What city in the US requires all businesses to have working condom machines on the premises?: Boston had such an ordinance for businesses that serve alcohol back in around 1993, but it was thrown out by a Superior Court judge.

Incredibles invisible girl picture: What kind of nimrod has pictures of invisible girls? (Oh. Right.)

ann coulter shoe size: I have no idea, but I suspect it's not a 5. (There were also two requests for her height.)

who bought fleet visa accounts?: Bank of America. Not to be confused with the similar Fleet enemas.

beach boy song includes a reference to hal and his famous ashtray: "Barbara Ann," from Beach Boys' Party! "Hal" is drummer Hal Blaine.

taco bell ingredients toxic: Well, duh.

(Note: This is not quite a sequel to this.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:34 PM)
18 October 2005
More strange search-engine queries

Actual stuff that brought people to this site during the past few days:

women prefer erect penis: I'll take your word for it.

"well made bed" "health risk": Not to mention boredom risk.

where to find AOL discs: Any landfill in America, six feet deep.

anger kills 12 ways: Cool, do I get my choice?

blackmail bra "take off your clothes": Smart lingerie is here.

"who wears short shorts" "brian hyland": Better that than an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie, yellow-polka-dot bikini, I suppose.

is torture effective: I assume so, since I have repeat visitors.

downsized Borzoi: At least it isn't "bonsai."

effects of housing on self-esteem for Katrina's evacuees: Actually, it's the ones without housing who feel worst.

what's considered 2nd base with hook ups?: Right before the short stop.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:02 AM)
27 October 2005
Still more strange search-engine queries

Here we go again:

does Connecticut have anything to do with taxation:  Yes. They love it.

motown bluegrass roe wade:  I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.

"brazilian bikini wax" statistics:  About the width of — um, never mind.

+codpiece +steel +16th:  I don't think I'd wear that on 16th. Or on 36th, for that matter.

how to write catchy ads about aluminum:  Difficulty: No "foiled again."

brian damage from withdrawal:  So don't withdraw Brian.

why are hornets in oklahoma city:  We also have wasps, and the occasional bumblebee.

can you start a sentence with a proposition:  And finish one, too.

whatever happened to the transylvania twist:  It's now the Mash. (It's now the Monster Mash.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:56 PM)
8 November 2005
Son of strange search-engine queries

As always, these were actual queries that led to somewhere on this site.

free sheet music to the song entitled "this is the song that never ends": There isn't enough paper in the world to print it all out.

tips on being photogenic: Why in the world would anyone ask me that?

Novelty Songs: Article of clothing worn by little girl in Brian Hyland's chart-topper: It was a yellow polka-dot bikini, though not a particularly large one.

dancing in socks only: Insert "hardwood floor" joke here.

muslim babes shave every 40 days: Whether they need to or not?

weem away: Don't fear, my darling, the lion sleeps tonight.

did the vikings invent pizza in the 800s?: And if it wasn't delivered in 30 months, it was free.

rappers delight country version: The chicken tastes like mesquite, dammit.

chomsky leftish: It's true. Similarly, the Pacific Ocean is dampish.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
27 November 2005
Even more strange search-engine queries

Right out of my referral logs, and offered to you, the reader, though I have no idea what you'd want with them.

closest nordstrom store to Tulsa:  The Kansas City store (in Oak Park Mall, 11143 W. 95th Street, Overland Park, Kansas) is about twenty miles closer than the store in Dallas' North Park Center (8687 N. Central Expressway), measured from One Williams Center downtown.

where are japanese mazdas made:  In Japan, mostly. (Mazda's central facility is in Hiroshima, with a secondary plant in Hofu.)

how do fish drown:  The easiest way is to take them out of water, where they can't regulate their oxygen intake.

nude flight attendants:  Never seen any. (If I thought I might, I might start flying again.)

nasty jockstraps:  Usually this is caused by wearing them.

How does a business owner decide whether to use employees or machines:  Have you seen some of these employees these days? Sheesh.

where are the horniest women in arkansas:  Off the top of my head, I'd guess 1200 President Clinton Avenue, Little Rock 72201.

ways to look stupid:  There must be fifty.

what should i go when the check engine light comes on in my 1999 mazda 626?  Most people I know would probably go "Oh, ****."

smart women dating:  Are you sure you didn't mean to ask this of Maureen Dowd?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:13 AM)
11 January 2006
The return of strange search-engine queries

Once again, actual questions that led people to this site.

does faith hill own the warner bros. nashville record label?  No. And come to think of it, neither does Warner Bros.

who is smarter man or woman?  Woman. She doesn't ask questions like that.

mazda are built here?  Only the Mazda6 are built here.

Ford Contour what do the indicator lights mean?  RTFM.

is she into you?  Not likely.

how long to keep yogurt beyond sell by date?  I'd suggest no more than ten minutes.

why is there oil mixed with the coolant in dodge neon?  Um, you blew a head gasket?

where is the cd4e transmission manufactured?  Batavia, Ohio.

what's it like to live in western Oklahoma?  It's very nice, if you don't insist on seeing foreign films every night.

are there Taco Bells in England?  Taco Bell was the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars. Now all restaurants are Taco Bell.

Is Powerball coming to Oklahoma?  Starts tomorrow, 12 January.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:19 AM)
2 February 2006
Strange search-engine queries (7)

Another compilation of the weird things that draw people to this very site.

hit the road jack the meaning of the song:  I think it's to be found in the phrase "And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more."

naked lady t shirt:  If she's naked, how is she wearing a T-shirt?

what percentage of teenagers lose their virginity on prom night?  Somewhere between 0 and 100. Beyond that, it's impossible to be sure. (I was a 0, but you knew that.)

faith hill long legs:  Yea, let us give thanks unto the Lord.

what is the nearest large city to feasterville trevose:  Define "large." Otherwise, Philadelphia.

dating someone unattractive:  I have never dated someone unattractive. This does not, however, work in reverse.

switch bodies paris hilton:  It's not her body that's annoying.

sex with weman:  You mean this guy?

playboy wax:  Airbrushing is less painful.

are republicans donkeys or elephants:  Some of them are dinosaurs.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
19 February 2006
Strange search-engine queries (8)

Once again, a collection of things people actually typed into search windows. Whether it's worse that they typed them, or that typing them brought them here to this site, is left as an exercise for the student.

roommate running around naked:  And you can still type? I'm impressed.

Why are bras important to society:  They provide support for a substantial segment of the community.

how much is 17k:  Last I heard, it was 17,408.

serf hat:  You'd better doff it when His Lordship shows up, too.

is terrorism worse than communism:  And the worst of all is both of them.

what men find unattractive:  Finding themselves pilloried on a Web site.

how to pronounce nacogdoches:  It rhymes with "roaches".

earth shaking event happened last february 3, 2003:  Take your choice: the arrest of Phil Spector, or the premiere of Shanghai Knights.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:57 AM)
20 March 2006
Strange search-engine queries (9)

People arrive at this site for the darnedest reasons.

is racism good:  It's probably good for David Duke, who's made enough off of it over the years to keep him from having to shop at KKK mart, but for the rest of the human race, no, it's not good.

are tall beautiful women intimidating:  Yes. Then again, so are short plain ones.

old macdonald was dyslexic:  E-O-I-O-E.

pigs fly on airlines:  Why not? They'll let snakes on a plane.

proctology worst job:  I know I hate getting behind in my work.

when do we eat Salvador Litvak:  Hmm. Maybe Lynne Truss was right about punctuation.

notification of admission to sacred mcgehee, new orleans:  It's probably easier to get into than Mecca.

"got divorced" and "well endowed":  Which cost him half his endowment, at least.

violet parr vs invisible woman:  So far, Violet hasn't had occasion to take her clothes off on a busy city street, which, given that she's still a teenager, is just as well.

underwear with a fake but:  Fake but what? (Please, God, don't let it be "accurate.")

call me frozen:  Okay, you're frozen.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:18 AM)
2 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (10)

As the phrase goes, all you gotta do is ask, and these people did.

how much is a tire rotation?  360 degrees.

real estate appraisal song:  How about Graham Nash? "Our house / Is a very, very, very fine house ...."

what's coming to 56th & pendleton pike:  Probably Starbucks. God knows they're everywhere else.

dating less educated men:  If this actually happened, I wouldn't be home now.

donnaville height:  528 feet above sea level, not counting Donna herself.

dan blocker nudist:  Fercrissake, Hoss, put some pants on!

ford creates vehicle that runs on urine:  This would be the Excretion SUV, which should reach showrooms in the fall of 2009.

photos of exaggerated breast augmentation:  If they're augmented, aren't they exaggerated by definition?

no emails to find women in oklahoma city:  If you really want to find them, it's going to take more than just email.

doug funny and party mayonnaise:  I'm having a whole lot of trouble with this idea of "party mayonnaise." Is that like Silly String?

what's a grecian urn:  Now that the drachma is obsolete, about 17,600 euros.

condi rice has nice legs!  Yeah, so?

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:10 AM)
17 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (11)

This staggeringly-popular feature (by which I mean that hardly anyone closes the browser immediately upon seeing it) contains actual search strings which led people to pages on this very site.

why gilligan kept messing up all the rescues from the island:  It's what kept the show going; otherwise, it would have been canceled after about six episodes (a three-hour tour).

a man shouldn't act under desperation:  You've just eliminated two dozen romantic comedies under development in Hollywood.

here comes peter cottontail heavy metal mp3:  Another poor soul led astray on the Bunny Trail.

what does malfunction indicator light mean on mazda 626:  It, um, indicates a malfunction.

shitty gas mileage for 99 ford explorer sport:  And you're surprised why, exactly?

stephanie zimbalist sneezing bouts:  Remington Steele made her sick.

give me a five hundred word essay on why someone shoplifted:  As George Carlin said, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

wants me to wear pantyhose:  Who does? And did anyone notice it's 89 degrees out?

dating women who like to go barefoot:  Who doesn't? And did anyone notice it's 89 degrees out?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:05 AM)
24 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (12)

Because you — well,