28 August 2005
Do I look like freaking Jeeves?

Today's log is even more full of questions than usual, and being the generous soul I am, I figured the least I could do is tackle some of them head-on. Every last one of these was a search-engine request that, reports SiteMeter, led to a page at this very domain.

Q.  How do I activate my new Capital One card?

A.  Call the number on the sticker. Surely you've seen it; it covers roughly one-third of the card's surface.

Q.  How important is NHS membership in college applications?

A.  It's a relatively minor criterion, since one does not get into the National Honor Society without meeting a specific grade standard, and they've presumably already looked at your grades.

Q.  If you get a [sic] eviction notice and then you pay all your rent what happens [in] Indiana?

A.  The landlord must file, concurrent with the notice, a complaint, usually with small-claims court; normally it will be dismissed if the rent due plus court costs and such are paid before the hearing date. (Keep in mind that I am not a lawyer and have never practiced anything other than self-denial in Indiana and if you take this as legal advice you are a bonehead.)

Q.  What is the most disgusting thing in nature?

A.  Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts.

Q.  Will you love me tomorrow?

A.  What's today?

Q.  Is my transmission the problem?

A.  First, check your dipstick.

Q.  What is normal penis length?

A.  First, check your dipstick.

All this in less than 24 hours. (And people say they want more Web traffic.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 4:18 PM)
29 September 2005
Strange search-engine queries

Some of what's come down the line just today:

"nancy sinatra" topless nude naked: I figure if she's either nude or naked, "topless" goes without saying.

can a woman get pregnant from a jackass: I could point you to a source, but it is contrary to site policy to post my ex-wife's email address here. I note in passing that I have two children.

What city in the US requires all businesses to have working condom machines on the premises?: Boston had such an ordinance for businesses that serve alcohol back in around 1993, but it was thrown out by a Superior Court judge.

Incredibles invisible girl picture: What kind of nimrod has pictures of invisible girls? (Oh. Right.)

ann coulter shoe size: I have no idea, but I suspect it's not a 5. (There were also two requests for her height.)

who bought fleet visa accounts?: Bank of America. Not to be confused with the similar Fleet enemas.

beach boy song includes a reference to hal and his famous ashtray: "Barbara Ann," from Beach Boys' Party! "Hal" is drummer Hal Blaine.

taco bell ingredients toxic: Well, duh.

(Note: This is not quite a sequel to this.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:34 PM)
18 October 2005
More strange search-engine queries

Actual stuff that brought people to this site during the past few days:

women prefer erect penis: I'll take your word for it.

"well made bed" "health risk": Not to mention boredom risk.

where to find AOL discs: Any landfill in America, six feet deep.

anger kills 12 ways: Cool, do I get my choice?

blackmail bra "take off your clothes": Smart lingerie is here.

"who wears short shorts" "brian hyland": Better that than an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie, yellow-polka-dot bikini, I suppose.

is torture effective: I assume so, since I have repeat visitors.

downsized Borzoi: At least it isn't "bonsai."

effects of housing on self-esteem for Katrina's evacuees: Actually, it's the ones without housing who feel worst.

what's considered 2nd base with hook ups?: Right before the short stop.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:02 AM)
27 October 2005
Still more strange search-engine queries

Here we go again:

does Connecticut have anything to do with taxation:  Yes. They love it.

motown bluegrass roe wade:  I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.

"brazilian bikini wax" statistics:  About the width of — um, never mind.

+codpiece +steel +16th:  I don't think I'd wear that on 16th. Or on 36th, for that matter.

how to write catchy ads about aluminum:  Difficulty: No "foiled again."

brian damage from withdrawal:  So don't withdraw Brian.

why are hornets in oklahoma city:  We also have wasps, and the occasional bumblebee.

can you start a sentence with a proposition:  And finish one, too.

whatever happened to the transylvania twist:  It's now the Mash. (It's now the Monster Mash.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:56 PM)
8 November 2005
Son of strange search-engine queries

As always, these were actual queries that led to somewhere on this site.

free sheet music to the song entitled "this is the song that never ends": There isn't enough paper in the world to print it all out.

tips on being photogenic: Why in the world would anyone ask me that?

Novelty Songs: Article of clothing worn by little girl in Brian Hyland's chart-topper: It was a yellow polka-dot bikini, though not a particularly large one.

dancing in socks only: Insert "hardwood floor" joke here.

muslim babes shave every 40 days: Whether they need to or not?

weem away: Don't fear, my darling, the lion sleeps tonight.

did the vikings invent pizza in the 800s?: And if it wasn't delivered in 30 months, it was free.

rappers delight country version: The chicken tastes like mesquite, dammit.

chomsky leftish: It's true. Similarly, the Pacific Ocean is dampish.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
27 November 2005
Even more strange search-engine queries

Right out of my referral logs, and offered to you, the reader, though I have no idea what you'd want with them.

closest nordstrom store to Tulsa:  The Kansas City store (in Oak Park Mall, 11143 W. 95th Street, Overland Park, Kansas) is about twenty miles closer than the store in Dallas' North Park Center (8687 N. Central Expressway), measured from One Williams Center downtown.

where are japanese mazdas made:  In Japan, mostly. (Mazda's central facility is in Hiroshima, with a secondary plant in Hofu.)

how do fish drown:  The easiest way is to take them out of water, where they can't regulate their oxygen intake.

nude flight attendants:  Never seen any. (If I thought I might, I might start flying again.)

nasty jockstraps:  Usually this is caused by wearing them.

How does a business owner decide whether to use employees or machines:  Have you seen some of these employees these days? Sheesh.

where are the horniest women in arkansas:  Off the top of my head, I'd guess 1200 President Clinton Avenue, Little Rock 72201.

ways to look stupid:  There must be fifty.

what should i go when the check engine light comes on in my 1999 mazda 626?  Most people I know would probably go "Oh, ****."

smart women dating:  Are you sure you didn't mean to ask this of Maureen Dowd?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:13 AM)
11 January 2006
The return of strange search-engine queries

Once again, actual questions that led people to this site.

does faith hill own the warner bros. nashville record label?  No. And come to think of it, neither does Warner Bros.

who is smarter man or woman?  Woman. She doesn't ask questions like that.

mazda are built here?  Only the Mazda6 are built here.

Ford Contour what do the indicator lights mean?  RTFM.

is she into you?  Not likely.

how long to keep yogurt beyond sell by date?  I'd suggest no more than ten minutes.

why is there oil mixed with the coolant in dodge neon?  Um, you blew a head gasket?

where is the cd4e transmission manufactured?  Batavia, Ohio.

what's it like to live in western Oklahoma?  It's very nice, if you don't insist on seeing foreign films every night.

are there Taco Bells in England?  Taco Bell was the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars. Now all restaurants are Taco Bell.

Is Powerball coming to Oklahoma?  Starts tomorrow, 12 January.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:19 AM)
2 February 2006
Strange search-engine queries (7)

Another compilation of the weird things that draw people to this very site.

hit the road jack the meaning of the song:  I think it's to be found in the phrase "And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more."

naked lady t shirt:  If she's naked, how is she wearing a T-shirt?

what percentage of teenagers lose their virginity on prom night?  Somewhere between 0 and 100. Beyond that, it's impossible to be sure. (I was a 0, but you knew that.)

faith hill long legs:  Yea, let us give thanks unto the Lord.

what is the nearest large city to feasterville trevose:  Define "large." Otherwise, Philadelphia.

dating someone unattractive:  I have never dated someone unattractive. This does not, however, work in reverse.

switch bodies paris hilton:  It's not her body that's annoying.

sex with weman:  You mean this guy?

playboy wax:  Airbrushing is less painful.

are republicans donkeys or elephants:  Some of them are dinosaurs.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
19 February 2006
Strange search-engine queries (8)

Once again, a collection of things people actually typed into search windows. Whether it's worse that they typed them, or that typing them brought them here to this site, is left as an exercise for the student.

roommate running around naked:  And you can still type? I'm impressed.

Why are bras important to society:  They provide support for a substantial segment of the community.

how much is 17k:  Last I heard, it was 17,408.

serf hat:  You'd better doff it when His Lordship shows up, too.

is terrorism worse than communism:  And the worst of all is both of them.

what men find unattractive:  Finding themselves pilloried on a Web site.

how to pronounce nacogdoches:  It rhymes with "roaches".

earth shaking event happened last february 3, 2003:  Take your choice: the arrest of Phil Spector, or the premiere of Shanghai Knights.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:57 AM)
20 March 2006
Strange search-engine queries (9)

People arrive at this site for the darnedest reasons.

is racism good:  It's probably good for David Duke, who's made enough off of it over the years to keep him from having to shop at KKK mart, but for the rest of the human race, no, it's not good.

are tall beautiful women intimidating:  Yes. Then again, so are short plain ones.

old macdonald was dyslexic:  E-O-I-O-E.

pigs fly on airlines:  Why not? They'll let snakes on a plane.

proctology worst job:  I know I hate getting behind in my work.

when do we eat Salvador Litvak:  Hmm. Maybe Lynne Truss was right about punctuation.

notification of admission to sacred mcgehee, new orleans:  It's probably easier to get into than Mecca.

"got divorced" and "well endowed":  Which cost him half his endowment, at least.

violet parr vs invisible woman:  So far, Violet hasn't had occasion to take her clothes off on a busy city street, which, given that she's still a teenager, is just as well.

underwear with a fake but:  Fake but what? (Please, God, don't let it be "accurate.")

call me frozen:  Okay, you're frozen.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:18 AM)
2 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (10)

As the phrase goes, all you gotta do is ask, and these people did.

how much is a tire rotation?  360 degrees.

real estate appraisal song:  How about Graham Nash? "Our house / Is a very, very, very fine house ...."

what's coming to 56th & pendleton pike:  Probably Starbucks. God knows they're everywhere else.

dating less educated men:  If this actually happened, I wouldn't be home now.

donnaville height:  528 feet above sea level, not counting Donna herself.

dan blocker nudist:  Fercrissake, Hoss, put some pants on!

ford creates vehicle that runs on urine:  This would be the Excretion SUV, which should reach showrooms in the fall of 2009.

photos of exaggerated breast augmentation:  If they're augmented, aren't they exaggerated by definition?

no emails to find women in oklahoma city:  If you really want to find them, it's going to take more than just email.

doug funny and party mayonnaise:  I'm having a whole lot of trouble with this idea of "party mayonnaise." Is that like Silly String?

what's a grecian urn:  Now that the drachma is obsolete, about 17,600 euros.

condi rice has nice legs!  Yeah, so?

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:10 AM)
17 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (11)

This staggeringly-popular feature (by which I mean that hardly anyone closes the browser immediately upon seeing it) contains actual search strings which led people to pages on this very site.

why gilligan kept messing up all the rescues from the island:  It's what kept the show going; otherwise, it would have been canceled after about six episodes (a three-hour tour).

a man shouldn't act under desperation:  You've just eliminated two dozen romantic comedies under development in Hollywood.

here comes peter cottontail heavy metal mp3:  Another poor soul led astray on the Bunny Trail.

what does malfunction indicator light mean on mazda 626:  It, um, indicates a malfunction.

shitty gas mileage for 99 ford explorer sport:  And you're surprised why, exactly?

stephanie zimbalist sneezing bouts:  Remington Steele made her sick.

give me a five hundred word essay on why someone shoplifted:  As George Carlin said, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

wants me to wear pantyhose:  Who does? And did anyone notice it's 89 degrees out?

dating women who like to go barefoot:  Who doesn't? And did anyone notice it's 89 degrees out?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:05 AM)
24 April 2006
Strange search-engine queries (12)

Because you — well, not you you — asked for them!

is a "36C bra" big for a 15-year-old?  Depends on the 15-year-old, wouldn't you think?

dali's motivation for the lobster phone:  I always figured it was a veiled attack on society's shellfishness.

nude vacations:  At least you don't have to pack a whole lot.

meredith vieira pantyhose:  I suspect this is the sort of person who wears out the Pause button on his VCR remote.

playmates past pubic preference:  Oh, I don't think they ever get past that.

I am not being objective:  Admitting it is the first step.

vanishing cream that makes you invisible:  I think we can rule out Pond's.

what is a dillhole:  If you have to ask, he's not.

should I be a writer:  If you have to ask, you should not.

profile description shy romantic paranoic:  You're soaking in it.

lobal warming hoax:  Who wants cold lobes?

gasoline price vs cheese price:  The latter is set by OPEC (Organization of Provolone-Exporting Countries).

fourteen year old nudist girl:  This is probably a good way to find 45-year-old guys.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:08 AM)
1 May 2006
Strange search-engine queries (13)

No matter what it is, or what it isn't, somebody out there is looking for it, and rather a lot of somebodies wind up here. Some examples:

Elmer Fudd with a toothache:  Ow! This weawwy huwts!

brown things come from uranus:  Moved to #2 on the list.

women are seen as invisible:  If they're seen, they're not exactly invisible, are they?

chlamydia punishment:  You'd think chlamydia itself would be punishment enough.

marilyn monroe 'under the vent':  I always thought she was over the vent.

48 years old lonely:  Hey, that was four whole years ago.

has dakota fanning started her menstruating yet:  Like she's gonna start someone else's? [Also submitted to Disturbing Search Requests.]

horrible hummer:  And I thought I kvetched a lot.

men don't like smart women:  Actually, we worry that if they're that smart, they won't like us.

women are drawn to the sewer to take their clothes off:  Doesn't sound like any sewer I've ever seen.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:22 AM)
8 May 2006
Strange search-engine queries (14)

This is getting to be something of a habit, you know?

girls my shame is obscure nude:  Inasmuch as this came from Yemen, perhaps obscurity is in the searcher's best interest.

font dongbats:  That's dingbats. I hope.

I want to see nasty porn shots of Shania Twain:  That don't impress me much.

six years dakota fanning eighteen:  Do you think you could possibly hold it for six years? The girl is twelve, fercryingoutloud.

How to Send 1,000,000 emails for FREE:  Just in case he finds out, I'm blocking his IP address (66.81.170.252).

how much are jackboots worth?  That depends. How much dissent do you want crushed?

chlorethylene for warts:  Sounds like a fair trade.

"mccain republican":  Yeah, that's what they want you to think.

men have a higher IQ:  Than what?

"avoid an overlimit" capital one:  Um, don't charge so damn much?

I ate a whole pint of ice cream. What do I do:  Wait for your head to stop hurting.

what is a type o personality:  The type that makes lots of keyboard errors.

how to know how men feels:  You could try feeling one.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:04 AM)
15 May 2006
Strange search-engine queries (15)

This has gone on for about four months now, and shows no sign of abating. The fact is, with well over a million words on this site now, the likelihood of catching odd requests like this continues to increase, which means that I'll generally have at least one post a week on the subject(s).

amazon women dating:  And to think they started out selling only books.

who was the dumb ass that originated the pseudoephedrine legislation:  Though this be madness, yet there is meth in 't.

the truth is so cruel:  Which is why it's so easy to find comfort in lies.

dating less educated:  Otherwise I'd have been a 40-year-old virgin. (Twelve years ago.)

christianity in bullfights:  "Jesus, that's a big bull!"

"amanda congdon" "great legs":  Well, yeah, but that's not why I watch Rocketboom.

cut or uncut, what do women like better:  Did it occur to you to, um, ask some actual women?

"george shinn" "henry viii":  I don't see the connection. Shinn has had only two wives.

mary rode joseph's ass:  Ah, these young couples.

illegal korean obtain CAL drivers license:  Wait a minute. There are illegal Koreans in California?

Stepford underwear:  Not real underwear, but an incredible simulation.

difference between pigs and elephants:  Not enough.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:10 AM)
22 May 2006
Strange search-engine queries (16)

And what better way to start a week than with a collection of last week's weirder search strings?

florence henderson sans clothes:  Bringing up three very lovely girls does cut into the time for this sort of thing.

side effects of snap crackle and pop poster:  I suppose this guy is researching cereal killers.

how to make love on a table:  Hint: don't use the good china.

where to buy vibrators in hattiesburg, ms:  I suspect Sam's Club is out.

you can paint a turd gold:  Better use two coats.

What sex was triple crown winner Secretariat?  Would it help if I said he was hung like a horse?

faith hill almost nude:  "How bad do you want it?" asks Tim McGraw.

penis nv:  On the opposite side of the state from Pahrump, NV.

What did you have for breakfast this morning, carnation instant bitch?  Actually, it was a Pop-Tart. Not cherry, either.

British Toads with Hamburger:  And hold the mayo, too.

wrung official:  Oh, hell, let's wring them all.

why are there no models in coldwater creek catalogs:  Most of their customers are invisible, so they design their catalogs accordingly.

illuminati and Halle Berry:  Finally, an explanation for Catwoman.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:04 AM)
29 May 2006
Strange search-engine queries (17)

By now I'm sure you know the drill on this bit: these are actual search strings which somehow dropped the searchers somewhere within this domain, as reported by those wonderful folks at Site Meter.

fake bleached blondes:  As distinguished from real bleached blondes?

"traffic tickets" hertz:  They certainly duz.

friend bra panty dress attic:  This had better be a really close friend, you know?

old macdonald had a fram:  Sometimes an ordinary oil filter just won't do.

how do you do a no handed cartwheel:  Um, very carefully?

slut business card:  Presumably easy to obtain.

do blue jays attack baby quail?  Blue jays are ornery; they'd probably even attack Dan Quayle.

starting sentences with dont:  Don't do that.

unattractive people are bitter:  I assure you, I would be bitter even if I were cute.

are the democrats doomed:  Not if the Republicans keep screwing up.

weapons of mass consumption:  Pass the Doritos and watch the game.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:23 AM)
5 June 2006
Strange search-engine queries (18)

In a week's time, six thousand people visit this site; a lot of them are just looking for something, and some of them are looking for something peculiar. Examples:

nude beach security clearance:  You must be cleared for at least Topless Secret.

emily's pantyhose:  They're in the second drawer, left side.

instrumental batman:  If I remember correctly, it wasn't an instrumental; there was one word.

blowjobs in connecticut:  I'm sure they exist, but you're asking the wrong person.

Lesley Gore wearing sandals:  You would smile, too, if she wore them for you.

how much r134a is in a 2002 dodge caravan:  Probably none in yours, or you wouldn't be asking.

Ann Coulter's nude:  I can neither confirm nor deny at this time.

what happens if you eat expired pillsbury biscuits:  Same thing that killed off the Doughgirl: a yeast infection.

big political scandal called something-gate:  For the last thirty-odd years, that would be almost all of them.

Farts Penalty:  All your friends move away.

Is Taye Diggs Gaye?  Actually, I think they cast Jesse L. Martin as Marvin Gaye.

windows 98 screen blue screen show fetal error:  Moral: Unborn children should not use Windows.

the rockstar Bono's illuminati contacts:  See your local Fnord dealer for details.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:04 AM)
12 June 2006
Strange search-engine queries (19)

Once again, we are proud/embarrassed [choose one] to present Actual Search Strings that brought people to this very site, as recorded by this very site's meter.

Yogi Bear You'll have a gay old time  Mister Ranger, Sir! (Actually, this line comes from the theme to The Flintstones.)

men scared of smart women:  They don't scare me; usually they don't hang around long enough to instill fear.

gonad tattoo shop:  I believe I speak for everyone here when I say "Ow!"

Hornets Staying in OKC:  David Stern begs to differ.

what percentage of men have a nine inch penis?  Are we letting them do their own measuring?

cities with the best female to male ratio:  Depends on what you're looking for.

your log saw something that night:  Wasn't my log, I assure you.

taco bell allows 2% human flesh in meat:  They have meat at Taco Bell?

gingerbread man and marriage:  They're sweet, but no good for the long haul.

mary rode joseph's ass all the way to bethlehem:  It was one of those pregnancy things. Cut her some slack already.

number of sexual partners in a year:  Um, which year?

Teenager nude around the house:  Not until he finishes his damn homework.

Take that, McAfeepictures of Britney Spears in a bikini that isn't showing her privates or blocked by McAfee Privacy Service:  Now there's someone who really knows what he wants. Such people should be rewarded, although not with much.

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:47 AM)
19 June 2006
Strange search-engine queries (20)

Just like it says: these were search-engine queries that came to this site, and I thought they were strange.

Body Modifications Within Housepets:  A terrier makes a lovely fish.

1 minute video of blowjobs:  Anything worth doing is worth doing for longer than sixty seconds. I think.

"i was handed a" vegan:  Egad, PETA's figured out how to make a debigulator.

does anyone pay an average natural gas bill in oklahoma:  In fact, almost half of us pay more.

illegal aliens shovel child mailboxes:  Probably postage-due, too.

correlation "frequency of sex" IQ couples:  I have no data on this, and no reasonable expectation of acquiring any.

Bomont, texas does it exist:  Sure it does. It's just east of Heweston.

john mellencamp and his cholesterol and high blood pressure:  Man, it's a veritable cherry bomb.

any advisable medicine that will enhance the brain especially for college students during exams, test or quiz and that is available in any drugstore:  Dr Pepper worked for me.

nude septuagenarian women:  Sophia Loren is still hot, but she's not gonna strip for the likes of you.

ann coulter has a nice rack:  Since when?

ann coulter topless:  See above.

sensible putty:  You'd think the people would have had enough of Silly Putty.

eye of newt placebo:  Now there's a clinical trial I'd like to see.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:20 AM)
26 June 2006
Strange search-engine queries (21)

This shtick is now old enough to drink. Sheesh.

fake hamburgers:  Deserve real mayonnaise.

where have all the liberals gone?  Deep depression, every one. (When will they ever learn?)

clothes disappearing raygun:  This could be as big as Click.

rival of jesus, netgeo:  I don't think NetGeo has been around long enough.

nudist "wearing any clothes"  Well, yeah, if she wants to keep her day job.

John Shartel Avenue, named for:  I'll just bet it's John Shartel.

what to expect with a bikini wax:  The word OWWW! comes immediately to mind.

when do mercury cougars need a new transmission:  Offhand, I'd say when they won't move.

bacon not stirred:  Like we need martinis with cholesterol.

"smart men" lonely single:  Not necessarily in that order.

backyard nude swimming statistics:  Number of swimsuits: 0.

brown bunny mp3 Vincent Gallo:  Well, you certainly wouldn't want to look at him.

cvs bizarro sex:  Must have been over in the photo department.

postfeminist l'oreal:  Because we're all worth it.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:15 AM)
3 July 2006
Strange search-engine queries (22)

You (by which I mean "they") keep asking for this stuff, and I keep telling you (by which I mean "you") about it.

desiderata key fob:  Go placidly amid the noise and haste, for your doors are already unlocked.

my friend set me up with amazon women taller than me:  And you didn't know how to thank him, right?

do black men have bigger penises than white men:  Darker, anyway.

David Copperfield's invisible girl:  If he's got one, I've never seen her.

myers-briggs gay correlation:  Maybe, maybe not. Try this.

mazda 626 and ford contour has same engine and transmission:  Same transmission, yes, if the 626 is a four-cylinder '94 or later; they never had the same engines.

Marg Helgenberger 36B:  Well, it can't be those Willows genes.

the danube is green:  What's more, it ain't clean.

implications of getting nair on your labia:  The word OWWW! comes immediately to mind.*

opposite of nondescript:  How about "descript"? Is that couth enough?

brazilian bikini wax "main line":  I'm sure you can find them throughout the Philadelphia metro area.

fawkes news:  Incendiary and balanced.

what is rule number 6:  There is no Rule 6.

welcome to wordpress mortgage:  And I thought Movable Type was expensive.


* Yes, I did use that last week.

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:57 AM)
10 July 2006
Strange search-engine queries (23)

Yes, ladies and germs, it's yet another installment of the tedious little series in which I copy search strings that led people to this very site, stack them in a single entry, and lovingly festoon them with snark.

Richard Carpenter cried when Karen sang it in the studio:  "What is 'Anarchy in the U.K.'?"

breast augmentation gone wrong, too high on the collar bone:  Look at the bright side: it will take that much longer to sag to waist level.

brazilians are superstitious amoral idiots:  With incredibly-clean genitalia.

I'm kept awake at night by the sounds of anthracite screaming:  Try bituminous. It's softer and quieter.

10 Things Your Lender Won't Tell You:  "7. You can't afford this. What were you thinking?"

what females have to say about erect penis:  "About damn time."

Lucia di Lammermoor by three stooges:  They sang the Sextet (well, half of it) in Micro-Phonies.

"cthulhu lives" dallas:  You were expecting maybe Farmers Branch?

searching for redhead I met at Henry Hudson's:  The bay or the pub?

Where can I find someone to give me one million dollars:  Start small. But not with a paper clip: that's been done.

amanda congdon cup size bra:  Zooming a little zoom, are we?

webcam force "take her clothes off":  That's got to be one hell of a powerful webcam.

decent farts:  Silent but nondeadly?

1000 days without sex:  Piece of cake. Not a very tasty cake, though.

sending fecal matter through the U.S. mail:  Don't we get enough crap already?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:02 AM)
17 July 2006
Strange search-engine queries (24)

Could there possibly be more of these things sitting in the referrer logs? What do you think?

creative gift lottery tickets:  You betcha. What could possibly be more creative than something that has a 90-plus-percent chance of being worth nothing?

ethereal sniff aol chat fink:   Some of the finks you get a whiff of in AOL chat are hardly what you'd call "ethereal."

mr t cereal:  I pity the fool who doesn't make this a part of his nutritious breakfast.

where can I find the Malfunction indicator light on a 1999 Mazda 626 ES:  Be grateful. If you can't find it, it's not on.

is "geezer" offensive:  Shut up, whippersnapper.

good reliable indication of aspirin:  Open an aspirin bottle. If you see tablets therein, there's a good chance you're seeing aspirin.

search log barry manilow anal lettuce:  Insert "butterhead" joke here.

how to figure tag title tax:  (1) Buy a car. (2) Do you have any money left? (3a) If yes, write a check for $1000. (3b) If not, write a check for $1000.

is sunbathing nude in your own back yard privacy fence oklahoma:  It's Oklahoma. It's probably illegal to go nude in your own bathtub.

my knee sounds like rice krispies:  At least the "crackle" isn't too big an issue.

hydrochlorothiazide marijuana:  Oh, great, pot that makes you go to the bathroom more often.

windows on the womb:  Watch out for the Blue Screen of Birth.

secret ways to avoid schuylkill expressway:  Stay in Jersey.

meaning of who gives a rats ass:  Yeah, like I care.

what are christianity's view on autofellatio:  I suspect they think it sucks.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:16 AM)
24 July 2006
Strange search-engine queries (25 or 6 to 4)

So named because I get frequent requests for the meaning of that particular Chicago title. (The answer is here.) Meanwhile, the following have been accumulating in the referrer logs:

mbna and chase are the same:  Um, no, they're not. MBNA and Bank of America are the same. The determination of individual degrees of suckage is left as an exercise for the student.

"mary fallin" topless:  I assume both point to the right.

"you have breasts" traduction:  "Haminahamina" works in most Western languages.

do men really expect women to get a bikini wax:  I don't even expect them to call.

does mitsubishi galant have problems with racket pin steering:  If it's making a racket, you've got problems.

"deborah gibson" was reported to receive playboy:  Wasn't it enough that they paid her to pose?

nice ASCII:  Er, uh, thanks.

wolverine urine:  Keeps squirrels and similar pests away. (Frighteningly, I am #1 in this search.)

penis monologue:  Little prick never would shut up.

george steinbrenner darth vader:  Steinbrenner is the one who doesn't sound like James Earl Jones.

monorchidism hitler:  Himmler is somewhat similar.

rosario dawson's cans:  Kept on a tidy shelf.

what did noah do with the woodpeckers:  Regrettably, he didn't feed them the mosquitoes.

"mr. right" "how soon do you know":  Usually when it's too late.

gorgeous tall women unclothed:  If I knew any, I wouldn't have time to post this, would I?

positive id required ok to deposit rebate check in the atm:  Absolutely. Hold up your driver's license to the glass.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:35 AM)
31 July 2006
Strange search-engine queries (26)

You know, this could all come to a halt if people didn't actually ask for this stuff. But so long as they do, I can keep grinding these out once a week.

are you a neoconservative:  Nope. Bloodthirsty warmonger, maybe, but not strictly a neocon.

put fake parking ticket under windshield to prevent parking ticket:  Good luck with that. So far as I know, there's nothing that prevents you from getting multiple tickets.

north dakota backwards hicks:  Since when? Heck, they've got an Applebee's in Jamestown.

pantsless nude guys in summer:  I assume that if they're nude, they must also be pantsless.

i bought a new mercury outboard motor porn:  How Evinrude of you. (Now put your Johnson away.)

dakota fanning nude photoshop fakes:  Put yours away too, ya perv.

who likes g.w.bush less, most educated or less educated?  Probably both, if you believe the polls.

What is the diameter of Tulsa BOK center?  Twice the radius.

how to know when a woman wants you:  If you have to think about it, she doesn't.

puns what will delaware?  Her new jersey, of course.

disinterest in sex and tourette's syndrome:  "Get your ******* hands off me, you ************* *******!"

any snakes reported in Oklahoma City subdivisions?  See them on the big screen this summer in Snakes on a Plain.

Also, a surprisingly large number of people have been searching for some place called "Dustbury, Oklahoma"; I blame these girls.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:57 AM)
7 August 2006
Strange search-engine queries (27)

I thought at first I might get away with this three times, but now, three times three times three times, it's become almost a tradition. (Cue Tevye and the guy with the fiddle.)

pier 1 fragrance spray:  Do you really want this place to smell like Pier 1?

longer "second toe" more sex study british men 70 percent:  I have no idea what this means, but it sounds kinda kicky.

Adult Nude Recreation Complex redmond washington:  Insert "Microsoft" joke here.

what's pamela anderson's breast size?  You mean this week?

where to put your purse in an envoy xuv:  The thing's the size of a freaking house; you should be able to put it almost anywhere.

what brand of pantyhose does meredith vieira wear?  I have no idea, but I suspect you can get more than 15 pair for $1 million.

shoehorn the kind with teeth:  You know there's no such thing.

how to give dirty looks:  Is there anyone over the age of four who does not know this?

mascots related to oxygen:  Well, there's the Congressional Airhead.

i'm so lonesome i could cry in mono:  Of course. If you could cry in stereo you wouldn't be lonesome.

baltimore crossdress "second tuesday":  The rest of the month you need a permit. (Not applicable in Cockeysville.)

how to make thousands and millions of dollars without effort:  What bothers me is that this query came from Ghana, which presumably has enough Ghaniffs already.

is aeon flux a subtle discourse on the ideology of the new right?  Not as much as it is an excuse to look at Charlize Theron in the tightest costumes ever designed.

a japanese suv that doesn't look lame nor is butch but has enough room to fit camping gear and people while looking:  And I thought I was picky. (Toyota Land Cruiser. Be prepared to write a check for $60k.)

"middle aged women" lingerie:  Just drop it on the floor, you can retrieve it in the morning.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:20 AM)
14 August 2006
Strange search-engine queries (28)

Among the six thousand or so people who wandered into this site this past week were a handful looking for stuff like this:

zooey likes pantyhose:  Does Franny know about this?

"nudists for bush":  This might be political, or it might not.

erotic superheroines use itching powder:  Was this an outtake from My Super Ex-Girlfriend?

eleven people you'd most like to see naked:  No way. Four or five of them read this site.

women don't fart belch:  Obviously this guy's never lived with one.

is planned parenthood open on weekends in colorado:  Hey, an argument for Plan B.

what are the g spots in sex:  Holy crap, you mean there's more than one?

Pennsylvania renaissance faire burger king coupons non sexual:  Here insert ye a Whopper jest.

how many visitors equals 8gb a month:  For me, about 24,000.

is it a date or hanging out:  If it's hanging out, you probably won't get that date.

lost lonely hopeless late thirties single childless worried:  Being a guy-type person, I'm bound to ask "About what?"

"unchained melody" sung by hitler:  Lonely SS march to the sea, to the sea, / to the open ports of the sea. / Lonely Frenchmen sigh, "Wait for me, wait for me, / I'll be yielding soon, wait for me."

can I afford an apartment california making $30,000 a year:  Perhaps, although the number of roommates you'll have to get increases as your distance from the coastline decreases.

moon landing spam:  That's one small pill for man, one giant tool for all mankind.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:19 AM)
21 August 2006
Strange search-engine queries (29)

Sooner or later, something you search for will bring you here. After all, you're not looking for anything weirder than these folks:

delusional women dating:  They're not dating me, so they can't be too delusional.

fairy envoy seat covers:  Who knew that GMC had dealers in the Land of Faerie?

google wayne walters okla senate:  What's funny about this is that "google" is a search term — and the search was sent through MSN.

industrial spray gun melts pewter, zinc instantly:  How well would it work against snakes on a plane?

definition geezer offensive:  No, it isn't. Now get the hell off my lawn, you young punk.

Allen Iverson Sixty Thousand Dollar Shoes:  If he buys one pair, does he get the second for half price?

"women who wear glasses" nearsighted:  Some of them, surely.

seattle goth lesbians:  Some of them, surely.

animaniacs fetish:  Yeah, that Minerva Mink is hot.

repressing sexual desires:  This isn't particularly amusing, but I found it a bit odd that I should be in the top 20 results.

walgreens call center in okc closing?  Actually, it's been sold to United Health Group. (Story here.)

switch bodies with jessica simpson:  Oddly, no one wants to swap brains with her.

why do I receive so much spam from unsavory sources?  Who else would send it?

"invisible woman" fantasy giggled:  Never actually seen one, you know, but I can imagine why she might want to giggle.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:19 AM)
28 August 2006
Strange search-engine queries (30)

Since people are now actually searching for these little excursions into the backwaters of the referrer logs, I have moved them into their own category, where they can be browsed at your leisure, assuming you have time for leisure.

founder of curtis mathes:  Oddly, a guy named Curtis Mathes, though Curtis was actually his middle name.

why am I undatable?  You don't give off any carbon-14, maybe?

1957 plymouth put in a concrete tomb at chrysler in 1957 or 58:  I don't know about that, but there's a '57 Plymouth buried under the streets of Tulsa, due to be exhumed next year.

sanitized version of boulevard of broken dreams:  How about "parkway of interrupted musings"?

What percentage of bloggage to heart before bypass surgery?  Were I having bypass surgery, I'd be blogging up a storm.

what the hell are "cooling degree days"?  The difference between the day's average temperature and 65 (Fahrenheit), if positive. (Example: high 90, low 70, average 80, 80 - 65 = 15 cooling degree days.)

i have a new 2007 lexus rx 350 and the seats are peeling:  Next time, wear pants.

messy asses:  Next time, wear pants.

how often to change the timing belt on an infiniti i30:  Infiniti makes no recommendation for nonexistent parts.

chaz scum:  Ah, a former reader.

the world's political leadership sucks:  Ah, a current reader.

maureen dowd lesbian:  News to me, and probably to her.

the woman i love no longer wants to be with me:  Well, she didn't come over here, that's for sure.

"conservatives have abortions":  No doubt. (Why am I #1 for this?)

flaming gasbags:  Television is full of them. (Why am I #1 for this?)

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:17 AM)
4 September 2006
Strange search-engine queries (31)

Once again, we go rifling through the referrers and riffing on their requests. (Who was that who said "release Roderick"?)

what's the difference between fake and real nike air max trainers:  About $85.

refurbished square dance halls with no gambling:  Say, that is square.

who discover number eight:  Number Six, while he trying to escape.

my wife can pee standing up:  Doesn't matter. Put the damn seat down, you brute.

blond hair blue eyes 125 lb. newport beach girl:  Geez, and I thought I was picky.

chemical engineering tootsie pop thesis:  A National Science Foundation grant of $1.6 million was used to construct a device which could deliver licks at a constant frequency and subsequently detect the presence of the center when reached.

intj personality defects:  We don't have any. Not that inferior types like yourself can be expected to know that.

nudist roommate=wanted:  Got no closet space to spare, eh?

sacramento anal bleaching salon:  If you want to see assholes in Sacramento, wait until the Assembly is in session.

why doesn't anyone wear pantyhose:  It's too hot and they always run.

johnny mathis embarrassed by sexuality:  Chances are he was simply concerned about what Mary will say.

dead man returns pants to walmart:  Being dead, he'd have time to wait in line at the Customer Service counter.

washington mutual platinum visa where is my card:  Did you check your other pair of jeans? I think they're in the laundry hamper.

percentage of married women swallow:  All I know for sure is that it's less than 100.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:16 AM)
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