Iran, says President Ahmadinejad, is now a “nuclear state”:

In a nationally televised address in the square, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proclaimed that Iran has produced its first batch of uranium enriched to a higher level, saying his country will not be bullied by the West into curtailing its nuclear program a day after the U.S. imposed new sanctions.

“The first package of 20 percent fuel was produced and provided to the scientists,” he said, reiterating that Iran was now a “nuclear state.” He did not specify how much uranium had been enriched.

Leaders of the Democratic Party in the United States professed concern, but expressed their confidence that Ahmadinejad had pronounced “nuclear,” or its Farsi equivalent, correctly.

In other news, North Korea announced that it would rebrand itself as a tourist destination and would seek a partner to construct two five-star, or maybe it was five two-star, hotels in downtown Pyongyang; Somali pirates proposed a Safe Passage Weekend; and an item of intimate wear alleged to have been worn once by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin turned up on eBay, where it was purchased for $11,621. We are unable to confirm that Andrew Sullivan spent the next day begging Atlantic owner David Bradley for a raise.

(Iran story via Jenn, who apparently was expecting a lot more of an announcement from Tehran.)

The inevitable Der Untergang parody sequence, as Hitler is informed of the results of the special election for that Massachusetts Senate seat:

I never quite get tired of these.

I happened upon this particular piece of bogus history from Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation, and was going to turn it to my own advantage, but the good Doctor was way ahead of me. The paragraph in question:

All other Russian names that begin with the letter Ч are transliterated with a Ch in English, but Tchaikovsky’s name is transliterated with a Tch. The anomaly is due to the acrimony of Tchaikovsky’s enemies in the English-speaking music press, who wished to make sure that Tchaikovsky’s name would always appear last in alphabetical lists of Russian composers.

Which to a shtick-ridden hack like me, of course, suggested the following riposte: “[fill in name of suitable Russian composer] was not available for comment.”

It then became simply a matter of finding a “suitable Russian composer.” But after an extended period of cogitation, contemplation, and URL-juggling, I came up with only one name — Alexander Tcherepnin — and his name is so close to Tchaikovsky’s that the entire joke comes undone.

For a moment, I even considered the possibility that Dr. Boli was right; that’s how frustrated I was.

My first car, manufactured a mere 44 years ago, had a two-speed automatic transmission. Eight-speed automatics are now available. What’s next? Follow the Fibonacci sequence:

“Most people remember Fibonacci numbers from 8th grade math. But in reality, they are proving to be a useful guide in figuring out how many gears to put into our next generation of transmissions,” said Elgar Loveless of Borg Warner’s Ithaca, NY facility.

According to Wikipedia, Fibonacci’s sequence of numbers is formed by starting with 1 and 0, and generating the next number by adding the two before it. Therefore, Fibonacci numbers include 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21 and 34.

So we should be expecting a 13-speed slushbox shortly.

Although it won’t be from Nissan:

Spokesman Trent Capone told MetaCars that “We already have a continuously variable transmission. That means an infinite number of gears. And you know what? Infinity is more than 8. Or 34, or whatever the hell else they come up with. Nothing is bigger than infinity. Holy crap…! We have a brand called Infiniti too. It all makes sense now.”

Curiously, no current Infiniti model is fitted with the CVT.

Tam points out, quite correctly, that a “new AR clone these days is about as ‘unexpected’ as another Friday the 13th sequel or Law & Order spinoff.”

On the other hand, I’d love to see the pricing on this as-yet-unannounced weapon:

Apple iR-15: Only works with proprietary ammunition. Made of sleek, white plastic. Has to be sent to an authorized service center for field-stripping and cleaning. Owners soon sport glazed, zombielike expressions of loyalty familiar to posters at MacForums or GlockTalk.

Wonder if there’s a Nano version in the works…

Now what we need is for some enterprising, um, enterprise to provide the supply. Admittedly, I have some qualms about the product: for one thing, I suspect that it might be easier to apply, if not necessarily any more effective, were it supplied as a spray rather than as a roll-on.

(Idea swiped from here. Production done entirely in Microsoft Paint in approximately the time it would have taken just to load Photoshop. Note to SC Johnson: It’s a parody, dammit. Don’t get your Scrubbing Bubbles in an uproar.)

The Arizona Rifleman, as a public service to hoplophobes everywhere, has reproduced this handy guide to so-called “assault” weapons:

It occurs to me, however, that the Rifleman has forgotten one, perhaps because (1) not only does he shoot but (2) he also rebounds and besides (3) he’s in Utah fercryingoutloud:

Believe me, when he’s on, Andrei Kirilenko is lethal.

(Pilfered from Tam.)

(Swiped from eminent Wooter and Photoshopper “glasswindow”.)

How come we have such low unemployment here in the Big Breezy? Conan O’Brien gets to the heart of the matter.

I can personally vouch for, um, some of those findings.

So far as I can tell, this is not an official product of TASER International. Yet.

(Spotted by Boinky.)

Well, actually, it’s called HorizonOne™, and it’s the first truly nihilist iPhone app:

When you first run it, it won’t even open. The icon will pulse and move — seeming, almost, to grow — before becoming still, cold, and dead. The color will fade from it — a condition that will spread to other icons nearby.

The more you use it, the more it uses you:

The shopping list you keep in Notes will be amended — “milk, eggs, deliver my eternal soul from nothingness.” Horizon One™ will send you e-mails from a you that is apparently drifting in a void, asking for help. They will become increasingly desperate, and frenzied. You will receive these e-mails until you realize that the void is life, and you are caught in its grip. Upon this epiphany, Horizon One™ will brick your phone, allowing you to see only the lock screen. The wallpaper has changed — a picture of you, in chains, forever screaming. Slide to unlock. Slide to unlock.

And inevitably:

Also Twitter integration.

But of course.

(Recommended by Patti.)

Don’t think of it as mere “recycling.” Think of it as the ultimate compilation album:

As the inquiry into Michael Jackson’s death continues, a cry has gone up from environmentalists concerned that plans to cremate the King of Pop will violate plastic disposal laws, and possibly release a toxic cloud that could create health problems for Los Angeles area residents.

“I really don’t believe anyone is thinking this through properly,” said Cal-Berkeley environmental scientist David Bergen. “Does anyone really know what the ratio of flesh to synthetic material was in the end? I’m guessing that once he starts to burn, he’s going to be the King of Snap, Crackle and Pop.”

Don’t wanna be startin’ nothin’.

(Via Kathy Shaidle.)

Evidently it was this guy.

I turned this up on Usenet, and it’s at least as ludicrous as some of the Y2K stories that floated around ten years ago. It was found in alt.home.repair.

Since GM has begun their bankruptcy, their cars and trucks are failing quickly. It’s estimated that by the end of the month, no GM vehicles will be running or repairable. The cause is in the engine’s computer controlled ignition system. It’s a little known fact that ever since computer circuits became part of modern vehicles, the manufacturers have been sending out a signal via satellite which monitors and controls these vehicles and adjusts their operation based on instructions generated by their systems which is based on the data received from petroleum refiners, which instructs the engines to function according to changes in fuel refining. This is just part of the picture, because these auto manufacturers also adjust these engine control systems based on location, altitude, and other external conditions, solely based on GPS signals being sent by the vehicle.

With GM in bankruptcy, these signals have ceased to operate. Vehicles are now unable to adjust their systems according to variable fuel and environmental conditions, and are now locked according to the last signal sent by GM prior to the start of the bankruptcy proceedings.

It’s already been determined that in the last few days, GM vehicle gas milage has dropped by ten to thirty percent. Emisions have risen dramatically, and engine output power has dropped significantly.

The result has been, but not limited to engine flooding, poor engine timing, loss of vacuum control, scored cylinder walls, and eventually complete engine failure. It’s just a matter of time before all GM vehicles will fail and become unrepairable. This affects all GM vehicles except those manufactured prior to the use of computerized controls. All GM vehicles still in use who were manufactured prior to the early 1980’s are not affected. All vehicles since then are computerized and will fail within the next few weeks.

Now is the time to consider the effects of being without a vehicle. If you rely on your vehicle to earn a living, or require a vehicle for survival, now is the time to purchase another vehicle manufactured by another company, and send your GM vehicle to the salvage yard before it leaves you stranded, undermines your income, and possibly endangers your life.

James V. Masters
Automotive Engineer
Masters Automotive Engineering Inc.

If you’re concerned about this, a helpful hint: the tinfoil goes between the sunroof and the headliner.

We’ve all been in this position:

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The beat of the car next to you rips a hole in your eardrum as the excessive bass punches into your chest. Next to you is a car equipped with SPL Champion Edition Subwoofers and custom spinners designed for that perfect mix of gangsta and douche.

It’s a headache to many drivers, but not anymore.

The Irritated Tulsan is proud to announce:

Introducing The Barry Man-iLow: the revolutionary application that switches the aggravating sound of an inconsiderate driver’s loud bass to Barry Manilow. Finally, an iPhone app worth the purchase. Here’s how it works:

• Plug your Barry Man-iLow into your cigarette lighter.
• Aim it toward any car within a 30-foot radius.
• Push the button
• The driver’s music instantly switches from gangsta rap to the music of Barry Manilow.

I really believe Barry himself would approve.

This is a good, useful product, one of the best in Brooklyn’s growing product line, though they have a long way to go to catch the all-time market leader. Then again, mighty Acme started out with but a single offering: the anvil.

(Floated away right past Vanderleun.)

Tonight the Thunder are playing at Milwaukee. I happened to be thinking of this while I was checking over the NewsOK site for stuff I might have missed in the paper this morning, so I hit a couple of links in the sidebar that eventually brought up the box score for the first Bucks-Thunder clash this season, on the 29th of October, opening night at the Ford.

And while the scores were in place, something was very wrong. In the Thunder half of the box, seventeen players are listed: the NBA roster limit is fifteen. Eleven played, which is correct; but six are listed as Did Not Play—Coach’s Decision, which isn’t. In fact, of the six DNPs, five weren’t even on the team at the time: on the night Malik Rose was supposedly benched by the Thunder, he was actually putting in six minutes as a reserve for the Knicks, who were beating Miami at Madison Square Garden. Hell, Nenad Krstić was still in the Russian league at the time.

Somebody at The Sports Network, which dishes up these data dumps, isn’t paying attention, or something.

If this actually were happening, I’m sure we would have heard about it by now:

Starting around April Fools Day, they’ll be wearing orange vests and nothing else at all, picking up litter along Georgia’s highways.

They are members of Georgia Nude, a nude rights organization that adopted a one-mile section along Georgia Highway 34 East in Coweta County under the Georgia Adopt-a-Highway program.

Georgia Nude’s community service is part of a new campaign to let the public know they’re just a group of “pretty decent guys and gals” who are continuing to champion for the right to fully express themselves.

The idea, as it happens, was to mock some other group:

This Georgia Nude column was inspired by Georgia Carry, a gun rights organization that recently adopted a one-mile section along Georgia Highway 34 East. Georgia Carry plans to pack sidearms when they go on trash duty to prove that they aren’t kooks, either.

Which suggests a plan of action to gun-grabbing wannabes: if you want to make sure no one’s packing concealed heat, don’t let anyone get dressed. Makes more sense than anything else they’re likely to come up with.

(Disclosure: Your Humble Narrator is a member of both the NRA and the AANR.)

It’s about time Microsoft did something like this:

Microsoft has updated its popular Not Responding 2007 with a new multimedia version, that automatically reduces the amount of work done on a computer by wiping the last hour’s worth.

“Not Responding 2009 is a whole new paradigm shift,” said Ned Holliday, Microsoft’s UK avatar MD. “It’s no longer enough to let people down with a simple system crash. Gone are the days of raging at a one dimensional system failure.” Holliday explained that modern professionals are demanding to be let down in a range of communications media, whether it’s voice over wifi, Skype, web conferencing or just using Microsoft’s plain old instant mortification.

As always, there’s method to this madness:

“Executives in corporations across the globe are being asked to prove their worth to the company, or walk,” said a Microsoft spokesman, “the risk of exposure is critical. So they’ve never needed a system failure more than now,” he said in a press statement written by hand, after his Word document had mysteriously wiped itself.

I have been unable to confirm that AIG is already using this new product to track bonuses.

The big problem with printing a whole lot of money, as Washington is about to do, is that any immediate stimulus it provides to the economy will be offset by long-term inflation. To minimize this effect, you need some way of getting those extra dollars out of the economy as quickly as they got in — but how in the world do you do that?

Possibly like this:

The answer is simple: chocolate gelt. Edible currency. Fiat finger food! It’ll circulate for a while, then gradually disappear as people consume it. For those of you who still believe in economics, I think the technical rationale is that the currency will be consumed once its marginal deliciousness (or whatever) exceeds its face value. Personally, I think it’ll probably just be consumed by the drunk, hungry or drunk & hungry. Either way, there’s a built-in safety check against long-term inflationary effects.

There are, of course, some technical problems to be overcome:

The foil would have to be significantly upgraded to make regular handling of the currency viable — perhaps some sort of carefully engineered tin design would be necessary. Also, it may be that chocolate is too cheap (or melting-prone) a commodity to turn into a useful form of currency. Or perhaps forgers would refill empties with Hershey’s chocolate — presumably inferior to delicious federal chocolate. But there are solutions to these problems. Maybe we could use ampules of liquor. Or, simpler still, the government could storm Hidden Valley, seize its ranch-producing operations and make the Treasury Department the only source of our precious national condiment.

I have no reason to think government chocolate would necessarily be of any higher quality than government cheese, but otherwise, this plan is just full of win — and, of course, saturated fats.

(Via Megan McArdle.)

Add this to your wish list:

Apple’s iClaudius by Robert Graves
Pocket-sized, remote-control Roman emperor that invades Britain and is easily manipulated by scheming women.
Pros: Smarter than it looks.
Cons: Snivels and stutters in standby mode.

Eventually, of course, it will be an iPhone app.

There’s a “spare tire” joke in here somewhere:

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

It should surprise no one that these vehicles are thirsty:

Attorney Andrew Besser, who represents three patients, says the assistant and girlfriend removed too much fat from clients and left them disfigured. Dozens of other patients have complained to the state medical board, Besser says. The board is investigating Bittner but declined to comment.

Under California law, it’s illegal to power a motor vehicle with medical waste. I’m trying to imagine what motivated the Assembly to come up with that particular bit of legislation.

(Seen here.)

Addendum, 3:45 pm: This story might not pass the, um, smell test. I am adding a “Bogus History” tag just because.

As though The Apostle Formerly Known As Saul Of Tarsus had been a spy or something:

The head of the history department at Virginia Military Institute suggests that the Apostle Paul may have been spying for the Romans.

Rose Mary Sheldon, the co-author of Operation Messiah: St. Paul, Roman Intelligence and the Birth of Christianity, presented her thesis last week at the International Spy Museum in Washington.

She suggests that Paul may have faked his conversion on the road to Damascus so he could infiltrate Christian congregations and report to Rome on suspicious elements in synagogues across the empire.

Sheldon says Paul’s interaction with Roman officials seems to have been remarkably friendly, and she notes that in his letter to the Romans, he urges Christians to obey them.

Christopher Johnson has his doubts:

Let’s hire this guy who’s been KILLING Christians, have him learn Christian ideas somewhere or other and then have him lie about communicate Christian doctrine so effectively that not only does he have to be snuck out of Damascus before he is killed by people whose religion he supposedly shares but he is able to convince the CLOSEST AND MOST INTIMATE ASSOCIATES of this Jesus fellow that he, Paul, has become a follower of the guy.

Yeah. Sounds plausible. Actually, there isn’t an actor who has ever lived who could bring that one off.

Co-author Thijs Voskuilen explains some of the background:

I approached Professor Ankersmit, my former history professor at the University of Groningen, with the idea of doing my M.A. thesis on this idea of Saul having faked his conversion as provocateur “St. Paul”.

An expert in the theory of history and the field of historical evidence, he liked the idea and became my professor during the writing of my thesis, together with Professor Jan Bremmer.

This wouldn’t happen to be the same University of Groningen whose teaching hospital has been pushing for institutionalized euthanasia, would it?

Oh, and there’s this:

During the writing of the thesis, I approached Col. Rose Mary Sheldon of the Virginia Military Institute. On the internet I read that she was an expert on espionage in ancient times.

I told her I was a student in Holland, who was writing a paper on a provocateur in ancient Rome. Not knowing any more than that, she sent me a few articles related to the subject. I used them for my paper and then sent her the final draft, asking for her opinion.

After several months, I had not heard back from her. I sent her an E-mail in which I repeated the question what she thought of the theory. She replied, “You have very liberal professors. I envy you.”

If you say so, Colonel.

In which case, this would presumably be the next step:

Congressional Democrats announced today that they had agreed to a bailout plan for Republicans after last week’s devastating election results. While exact details are unavailable, sources tell us that the Republicans will be given 4 seats in the Senate and 15 in the House. Nancy Pelosi said in a statement today: “We’ve established pretty clearly over the last several months that failed strategies and management should not necessarily have to result in losses in market share, particularly for well-connected Washington insiders.”

Asked for comment, Democratic strategist James Carville was giddy. “This is brilliant. It really doesn’t give up anything of substance to the Republicans. But it will sap the energy from the Republican Party for making any substantial changes, and make it more likely they will continue the failed strategies that led to this most recent loss. After their recent failures, the Republicans were on the verge of being forced to reinvent their whole organization. This bailout should reduce the likelihood of that substantially.”

When asked if bailouts of AIG, General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, and Bear Stearns wouldn’t similarly reduce the urgency to change failed approaches, Carville answered “no comment.”

As will I, for now.

While following up on that idiotic attempt to conjure up Sarah Palin’s SAT scores by means of Photoshop, I ran this Google search: “sat scores unimportant.”

And Google replied:

Did you mean: sat scores important

Um, no, I didn’t, but thank you for making my point: the SAT and the rival ACT are treated as damn near Divine Revelation by some people for no good reason. As a predictor of college success, the SAT’s record seems to be mixed; as a predictor of success in life generally, well, I wouldn’t trust it as far as I could throw it. (Before you ask: yes, I have my numbers, and yes, they’re supposedly impressive, and no, they’ve had no bearing on any aspect of my existence for at least thirty-five years.)

The mere fact that someone would go to the trouble of manufacturing a fake SAT score sheet, though, demonstrates quite plainly that some people never matured past high-school level in the first place.

How long before we see this “news” story?

The racist subtext was disturbing today when John McCain ordered a hamburger at McDonalds. As everyone knows, Ronald McDonald, when viewed in black and white, appears reminiscent of an actor in a minstrel show, clearly making fun of African Americans. Further, the buns on McDonalds hamburgers are white bread, surrounding the dark-colored meat which is oozing catsup, meant to represent blood, as the white buns depict two white men surrounding a black man and beating up on him — thus keeping him down. The “M” in “McDonalds”, the golden arches, is the first character in the word “Man”, as in “The Man” (also revealing his sexist nature). We can’t believe McCain’s racial insensitivity.

The Man, you’ll remember, is a neighbor of mine.

The New York Mets are on the brink of collapse:

Leading by three games just a week ago, they are now a game-and-a half behind the first place Phillies and without a drastic change, the Mets could be shut out of the playoffs altogether.

This historic collapse is seen by some as warranting a government bailout of the Mets … before things get worse.

The collapse brings to mind the epic catastrophe last year where the Mets were seven games up with just two weeks left in the season and then went on to lose game after game and finally falling out of the playoffs with a loss on the last game of the year.

But now the Mets are petitioning the federal government for funds to hire relief pitchers. “If we collapse and don’t make the playoffs again, thousands of hearts will be broken. Think of the children,” said one Mets front office executive. “Think of the seniors who’ve been waiting over twenty years for us to win the World Series.”

How could Washington (excluding, of course, the Nationals) help?

The Mets have asked the federal government to either see its way clear to pony up a few million so the Mets could hire a relief pitcher that doesn’t give up a home run every third pitch or just assign a decent reliever to the Mets. If that proves impossible, some are speculating that the government could temporarily reward the Mets four outs during their turn at bat so they could score more runs.

Baseball purists are saying that it violates every foundational principle of competitive sport to bail out the Mets. However, realists say that this is not a time for ideology but action. Something has to be done, and when something must be done a blank check from the government is the only answer.

Indeed.

(Via Jonah Goldberg.)

Is it a cultural phenomenon? A demographic inevitability? A reaction to the stultified, dying First World? The Sarah Palin effect?

Nope. It’s German engineering, pure and simple.

We will ignore, for the moment, the fact that this Deutschmobile is built in Canada on a Chrysler platform.

As suggested by Cajun Boy in the City:

Ominous voiceover:  It’s 3 AM. You and your children are sleeping peacefully. Until your cell phone starts ringing that is.

Cut to:  (A little girl in her bed looking frightened. She rubs her eyes and her lower lip quivers.)

Little girl:   Mommy Daddy what was that noise that woke me up from the dream I was having about unicorns and rainbows? Mommy Daddy I’m scared!

Ominous voiceover:  Who do you trust not to waste taxpayer money by sending you horseshit text messages from the White House at 3 AM and scaring the bejesus out of your peacefully sleeping children in the process? John McCain would never do that because John McCain can’t even operate an electric toothbrush, much less a mobile device.

John McCain voiceover:  I’m John McCain and I approve this message.

Disclosure: I’m old and I own a Sonicare.

(Via some blog that nobody reads.)

A peek inside the outgoing mail:

FROM: Dr Ben Bernanke
Central Bank of United States of America

TO: CEO
Lagos, Nigeria

Dear Friend:

I have been requested by the regional members Federal Reserve of the USA to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Federal Reserve of the USA has recently concluded a large number of contracts for credit derivative investment vehicles “CDIV” in the Wall Street region of the USA. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equaling US$40,000,000. The Federal Reserve of the USA is desirous of CDIV in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the USA Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.

Your assistance is requested as a non-USA citizen to assist the Federal Reserve of the USA, and also the investment bank community of Wall Street USA, in moving these funds out of USA. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your Nigerian account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Federal Reserve of USA. In exchange for your accommodating services, the Federal Reserve of USA would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or Nigerian $4 million of this amount.

The favour of a reply is of course requested.

(Via A Second Hand Conjecture.)

Addendum: This isn’t entirely unprecedented, McGehee reports.