Even if you got some ridiculous email like this:

Attn: Sir,

Compliments of the day, I Wish to inform you that your Payment has been released and you will need to contact the payment Officer Mr. Kelvin Williams with the informations as stated below.

CONTACT INFORMATION
NAME: Mr. John Simmons
EMAIL: agentjohnsimmon23@web2mail.com
Telephone: +234867623581

Do contact Mr. John Simmons of the ATM PAYMENT CENTER with your details:

FULL NAME:
HOME ADDRESS:
TELL:
CELL:
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
BANK NAME:
AGE:

Also please be informed that all neccesary Documents has been put in place all you will have to do is to make sure you can be able to afford 110 USD for the Delivery of your Funds which is to be sent to you via an ATM SWIFT CARD using FedEx International Courier Service.

we do await your response so we can move on with our Investigation and make sure your ATM SWIFT CARD gets to you.

Thanks and hope to read from you soon..

Regards,

ROBERT S. MUELLER, III
DIRECTOR, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535

This has so many things wrong with it I hardly know where to begin. For one thing, no government agency, not even an American government agency, is dumb enough to send out email through Outlook Express. And if they did, how likely is it that they’d use a BT Internet email address?

Oh, and if you want to call Mr. Simmons, keep in mind that +234 is the country code for, wait for it, yep, you guessed it, Nigeria.

It’s not often I get a Nigerian-scam letter purporting to be from Dothan, Alabama, and this one is a beaut:

I am Mrs. Sherry Rose Martins, I am a US citizen, 48 years Old. I reside here in Dothan Alabama U.S.A. My residential address is as follows. 462 North Oates Street — Dothan, AL 36303, Dothan Alabama, United States, am thinking of relocating since I am now rich. I am one of those that took part in the Compensation in Nigeria many years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $13,000USD while in the US, trying to get my payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel down to Nigeria with all my compensation documents, and I was directed to meet Barrister: Lacusine Alberto, who is the member of COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE, and I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake.

He took me to the paying bank for the claim of my Compensation payment. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth because I have received my compensation funds of $500,000.00. Moreover, Barrister : Lacusine Alberto, showed me the full information of those that are yet to receive their payments and I saw your name as one of the beneficiaries, and your email address, that is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those people, they are not with your fund, they are only making money out of you.

I have no fund for anyone to be with, but no matter.

Incidentally, 462 North Oates in Dothan is the Houston County Administration Building. Feel free to write your own joke. And if you don’t see one there, you’ll definitely see one in the subject line: “YOU NEED TO STOP CONTACTING THOSE FRAUDSTARS.”

Fraudstars! It could be a reality show on Nigerian TV. An American version would of course follow.

“Dear Customer,” said the fake Amazon.com email:

Your order has been successfully canceled. For your reference, here’s a summary of your order:

You just canceled order #035-7974456-97033

Status: CANCELED

ORDER DETAILS
Sold by: Amazon.com, LLC

Under “ORDER DETAILS” is the evil link.

Incidentally, this might have worked better if the subject line hadn’t read this way:

Amazon.com – Your Cancellation (201-1308925-1761919)

You’d think the numbers would actually match.

It was just a matter of time. Allegedly from TOYOTA JUMBO DRAW ASIA FOREIGN SERVICES MANAGER, ASIA PACIFIC CHINA, this email promises:

Due to the Recent problem related to our product we have decided to promote our new camry to reconfirm our stand to the recent fault in our brakes and malfuntional parts in our product. As part of this promotional statue we select you as a beneficiary of our Toyota Camry latest edition and a sum of USD$500 that wil paid to your by Swift Card payment system.

Our promotion council have decided to help stimulate the world economy by email balloting of people that have email in the internet by random selection and your email is among the selected email and you are qualify to receive the lump sum of USD500,000.00.

The contact is a Mr. Steven Ho, and I think I’m going to leave it at that.

In last night’s email, something called “Facebook Password Reset Confirmation! Support Message.” Yes, complete with exclamation point.

Unpersuasive text:

Dear user of facebook,

Because of the measures taken to provide safety to our clients, your password has been changed. You can find your new password in attached document.

Thanks,
Your Facebook.

Said document is a 32k ZIP file which I am loath to open for perfectly obvious reasons.

In Friday morning’s email:

This letter is from World Fund Discovery Management And Payment Bureau inaugurated by the World Financial Service Authority United States Of America/United Kingdom.

This body was set up to discover an outstanding fund being owed to Governments or Individuals all over the world through Contract Payment, Inheritance and Lottery Winning Prize Awards.

This body has been authorized to investigate and make the subsequent payment to any government, organization or individual, to whom its services apply. During our investigation, we discovered an outstanding sum of money in favour of your name and a mandate has been given to this body: World Fund Discovery Management And Payment Bureau to ensure that this fund gets to you without any further delay.

And you’ll have funds, funds, funds, till the scammers take your dollars away.

The only really distinctive aspect of this attempt is the name fabricated for the Director: Dr. Richard McWealth. Seriously. This is about as believable as a male-enhancement product being offered by Miles O. Johnson.

This week’s best phishing expedition, and by “best” I mean “coming closest to making a sucker out of me,” began with the following:

Your AIM account is flagged as inactive. Within the following 72 hours it’ll be deleted from the system.

If you plan to use this account in the future, you have to download and launch the latest update for the AIM. This update is critical.

The link goes to somewhere that looks AOLish, but isn’t.

What gave it away: nobody in the history of instant messaging has ever said “the AIM.”

But admittedly, I hadn’t fired up AIM — actually, I use this instead — in several months, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that my account actually had been flagged as inactive.

I did notice, though, that my contact count, once in the 50s, is down to 41.

Received in yesterday’s email (and unedited by me):

My name is binta,i am good looking. I saw your profile on and i pick intrest on you after going through your profile and was delighted to contact you, I hope you will be the true loving, honest and caring,i will tell you more about me on my next mail to you,please contact me directly through my email address and i will also send my pictures to you on my next mail.

She also included a link to HGTV’s Dream Home pages, which indicates — well, nothing, actually. On the other hand, inspection of the mail headers revealed that it was apparently sent from scrippsnetworks.com, Scripps being the parent company of HGTV. Did someone flood a “Send this page to a friend” link with spammage?

We’ll see if there’s a “next mail.”

The single most popular subject line in this weekend’s email has been “Grow your manhood with Free trial.”

Of late, most of this particular variety of spam seems to contain the following email-address pattern: plausible word + two random letters at otherwise-legitimate domain. This particular sample pretended to be from zooRt@wikimedia.org. The body of the message is amazingly cluttered up with extraneous Microsoft Word markup, though I didn’t notice this until I started peering under the hood; as a rule, I insist that my mail client not display HTML mail, which is an abomination unto the Lord and an invitation for phishers.

Semi-amusingly, the sender’s name was given as “Michelle Wang.” Purely accidental, I’m sure.

Something claiming to be the “Federal Credit Bureau” — and wouldn’t that be lovely? — dropped the following on me:

Your Credit Score decreased to 600. You need to download your credit history file from Federal Credit Bureau website and carefully review it. Use your personal hyperlink.

Said hyperlink begins with www.fcb.org, but then dissolves into a whole string of stuff that goes, um, somewhere else.

And amusingly, this thing was addressed to “deborahn” at this domain. Now I never met a Deborah I didn’t like, but I’ve never been one of them.

Actually, it’s a fairly new game, though based on old (un)principles, and Shell, despite the attribution, is not involved. Received in email this morning:

Dear Funds Beneficiary,

This is to notify you that you have been officially chosen by the Board of Trustees of the Foundation International (NGO NETHERLANDS) as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant/Donation for SHELL Economic Growth and a Poverty Alleviation Scheme via your email. You are therefore advice to view the attached file and fill the official payment processing form and send it to the approved payment Finance firm for immediately processing and release of your lucky grant.

Regards,
MANAGEMENT
FOR Royal Dutch Shell

Whatever this scheme is, I’m reasonably certain it’s not going to alleviate my poverty. The two attachments are an ostensible Word file called “Shell Foundation Development.doc” and something called “CLAIMS PAYMENT APPLICATION FORM.zip” which I declined to unzip.

Interestingly, the email address given was from a service in India, though the mail itself, if the headers are to be believed, jumped from the Netherlands to Taiwan before reaching the States.

Someone had the audacity (not the audio-editing software) to ask this at Yahoo! Answers:

I am interested in finding a blog response tool that will automatically post comments to relevant blog topics to help promote our business/products (ie. someone blogs about one of our products, then our automatic response posts a comment with a link/promotional code to buy that product).

Does anyone know if a tool like this exists?

In other words, he would like to spam, and he’d like our assistance in getting started.

Let’s see. There’s “No,” and then there’s “Hell, no.” What’s next?

Scam mail allegedly from Mercedes-Benz, received by me:

Dear Sir/Madam, In a bid to ease the living conditions of our fans/customers all over the world in this dark period of economic crunch. Where many companies are closing and families have lost their homes and means of livelihood.

Mercedes-Benz.de sends you this mail with the aim of giving you the opportunity of becoming a proud owner of the 2009 Mercedes-Benz GL-Class GL550 and EUR300,000:00 (Three Hundred Thousand Euros) by being part of our online quiz competition.

One of the three questions:

Emil Jellinek named a special car made for him after the name of his 10 year old daughter, what was her name?

1. FIONA
2. BENZ
3. MERCEDES

This of course set me to wondering what a 2010 model Fiona might look like. My instinct is to consult Renault, which already has cars named Clio and Mégane and Zoé, to the apparent dismay of young French couples.

Anyway, if you’d like to give away all your personal information in the vain hope of owning a, um, Benz, the contact person named is one Mr. Wolfenstein Schultz. Why he uses a mail server in Japan is beyond me.

Something called “UN Compensation!!!”, with that many exclamation points, showed up in yesterday’s email, and while it doesn’t at first look like a traditional phishing expedition, it is nonetheless every bit as phishy.

Opening paragraph:

United Nations Compensation Commission (UNCC) In Affiliation With Barrack Obama Campaign to Assist Scammed Individuals In The Settlement Of Disputes Through Intercontinental Bank plc.

You know, if I were affiliated with a campaign of the President’s, I might just want to spell his name correctly.

Which they did, further down the page:

This email is directed to all the people that have been scammed in all parts of the world, the UNITED NATIONS in affiliation with Barack Obama Campaign have agreed to compensate them with categorical payment sum of US$150,000 each. In its decision 17 of 24 March 2006, the Governing Council established basic principles for the distribution of compensation payments to successful claimants.

Given the usual distribution of the proceeds from class-action suits, the following looks almost plausible:

Only when each successful claimant in categories “A”, “B” and “C” had been paid an initial amount up to US$2,500 would payments commence for claims in other categories. Accordingly,the first phase of payment involved an initial payment of US$2,500 to each successful individual claimant in categories “A” and “C”.

However,for humanitarian reasons, all category “B” claims will be paid in full of a total US$150,000. A total of US$3,252,337,997.09 was made available to 1,498,119 successful individual claimants in categories “A”, “B” and “C” under the first phase of payments.

This includes every foreign contractor that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc. We found your name in our list and that is why you are receiving this email notification.

And now, the punchline:

You are advised to contact Dr Erastus Akingbola of Intercontinental Bank plc, as he is our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your approved bank draft of USD$150,000.

Incidentally, Dr Akingbola has an email address through a South African Webmail service, presumably because Nigerian email for some reason invites suspicion. He has, however, what appears to be a Nigerian telephone number.

Dear “Webmail Helpdesk Team”: If you’re going to attempt to sucker people out of the following information …

CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL IDENTITY BELOW
1. Full Email Address:________ 2. Password:________ 3. Country:_______ 4. Age:________ 5. Date of birth:______ 6. First name/Last name:____ 7. Security Question/Answer:______

… the take will likely be better if you actually provide them a bogus link for them to click on.

One year I made $1.26 interest on my checking account, which I duly reported to the Eternal Revenue Service.

So I was quite sure this curt little email notice was bogus:

Taxpayer ID: chaz-00000174073547US
Tax Type: INCOME TAX
Issue: Unreported/Underreported Income (Fraud Application)
Please review your tax statement on Internal Revenue Service (IRS) website (click on the link below):

I am, of course, not crazy enough to click on said link, which starts with irs.gov but ends with a whole lot of misdirection, which means that “Fraud Application” is in fact correct, though not in the sense they’d like you to think. And how likely is it that the IRS would refer to me as “chaz,” anyway?

Microsoft’s desire to get you to use their search facility instead of Google’s has apparently led them to some dubious sponsorship decisions:

89.7% of the bing.com Internet pharmacy ads that we reviewed are acting unlawfully in some way.

We successfully purchased prescription drugs without a prescription from bing.com Internet pharmacy advertisers.

We submitted some of the drugs for testing, and the drugs tested positive as counterfeit.

We identified serious security gaps in Microsoft’s online advertising program, allowing a rogue Internet pharmacy like store.k2med.com to advertise under the name of a domestic, US-licensed pharmacy but redirect traffic to the no-prescription-required, fake website. This happened in several cases, which is bad news for bing.com’s advertisers.

Many of the rogue Internet pharmacy advertisers are members of criminal networks responsible for much of the world’s spam, counterfeit drugs, and cybercrime, like GlavMed.

Some of the dubious drug providers are listed here.

I hasten to point out that some of these same vendors clutter up Google search results, so it’s not like Microsoft is actively courting vendors rejected by Google. (I tried a “buy viagra” search at Google, and got one of the rogues at the very top, though they evidently weren’t paying for a placement.) On the other hand, Microsoft is clearly making money off these guys.

(Full report in PDF format.)

Received overnight — precisely eight hours apart, for some reason — the following drug (or, from the sound of them, drug-induced) offerings:

During viagra saturnalian handiwork, if you adorn come of feather-headed or sickened, or suffer with wretchedness, numbness, or tingling in your strongbox, arms, neck, or jaw, barricade and reprove your doctor lucid away. You could be having a of disturb side influence of sildenafil.

A warning worthy of the FDA on a bad day. Me, I tend to distend risible at these things:

During viagra suggestive trade, if you distend risible or misled to far-out’s subscribe to, or endure distress, numbness, or tingling in your caddy, arms, neck, or jaw, stopping up and personage your doctor right-minded away. You could be having a heinous side cut of sildenafil.

O, that the purveyors of this dreck could be cut to the side. Heinously.

Received here as a spam comment, the following description of an enormously-popular drug, unchanged except for the ruthless excising of links:

Viagra are usually the cardinal treatment tried to save erectile dysfunction — the incompetence to bring off or carry an fair to middling erection in regard to bodily activity. Because most men with erectile problems, they position cordially and receive few side effects.

I think we should all position cordially. Don’t you?

One of the first things you learn when you start looking for phishing attempts is divergence between the link you see on screen and the link you see in the status bar when you mouse over it.

Weirdly, I got one yesterday that had no such divergence, but was still bogus. Some of the text, for the benefit of searchers:

Dear Comerica Bank customer,

You have received this alerting message, as you are listed to be an Comerica Business Connect user.

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance of banking software, that operates customer database for Comerica Business Connect users. Customer database is based on a client-server protocol, so, in order to finish the update procedure, we need customer direct participation. Every Comerica Business Connect customer has to complete a Comerica Business Connect Customer Form. In order to access the form, please use the link below. The link is unique for each account holder and expires within a certain period of time. If you don’t fill in Comerica Business Connect Customer Form before your unique link expires, the system will automatically send you a new notification message.

The language, of course, gives it away; it’s only slightly better than someone trying to imitate American legalese with no tools but a French-to-Urdu phrasebook. All it lacks is a hovercraft full of eels.

But the link, ostensibly to “businessconnect.comerica.com,” for some reason showed exactly that when I tried mousing over it in my webmail client. Perplexed, I saved it as a file on the desktop and viewed it separately; Firefox did not catch the discrepancy. (I later downloaded it through POP3, and Outlook Express was not fooled.) The only anomaly I could see in the code was that they’d set what looked like a couple of hex bytes — 3D — between “<a href=” and the beginning of the real URL.

Eventually I determined that the destination of all clicks on this link was a Mexican domain, which prompts the following response from me: “Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas.”

This afternoon, I had the distinct displeasure of witnessing two amazing acts of sheerest nerve, and not in the good Knievelesque sort of way either.

First, one of our more unhinged customers was trying to explain her way out of some sort of error on the last request she sent us, pointing out to our beleaguered phone person that she’d never had such a problem in all of thirty years, and by “thirty years” she apparently meant “90 days.” (I keep fairly good records.)

Earlier in the day, I posted this comment regarding some orange shoes:

I looked at that BCBGirls sandal and thought “Maybe it’s a tad loud for Lynn.” My apologies.

A few minutes ago, I dropped into the Dashboard to see if anything was going on, and there was a comment in the spam queue. It read like this:

I looked at that BCBGirls sandal and thought “Maybe it’s a tad loud for Lynn.” My apologies.

Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

The sorry sack of Siberian sheepdip had copied my comment and slapped my name on it, although underneath the name was a different URL.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to get something past me. (And given my druthers, I’d sleep ’til 10:30.)

It was just a matter of time, I suppose. This came in as a comment about 2:00 am:

I will surely miss Michael Jackson, he is really worthy of the name King of Pop and he is certainly one of the greatest musicians of all time…

Nothing wrong with that, I thought, until I pulled open the moderation queue and saw that the ostensible poster was named, um, “Body Detox Diets,” with a URL to match.

So now we’re getting Michael Jackson spam. You don’t want to know the way this makes me feel.

This seems eminently logical to me:

Twitter is inherently based on a follower count. You follow people, people follow you. A decent number of followers is about 50-100. Yet some people on Twitter have 60-90 thousand.

Are these individuals celebrities? Have they made such monumental marks on society that thousands of people want access to their mind?

No. Most are Realtors from Florida. Self-proclaimed experts in social media, SEO, marketing.

In other words, nerdy douchebags.

Actually, the only contact I’ve ever had from a Florida Realtor was quite pleasant and non-spammy, but that was four whole years ago.

I got to a “decent number” in somewhere around 48 hours. I certainly don’t aspire to five hundred, though I’m not going to tell people to stay away, unless of course they’re nerdy douchebags.

Already there are Web sites claiming to be able to register you for the government’s turn-in-a-beater program. Robert Farago reports at TTAC:

The agency in charge of implementing the Cash for Clunkers program gave us a heads-up that the Car Allowance Rebate System (their name) is already attracting scam artists (our name). To wit: cashforclunkersheadquarters.com and cashforguzzlers.net, which sucker surfers into “pre-registering” for the program. “There are a number of people out there who are implying that dealers and/or consumers need to register with them to be eligible for the CARS program,” DOT spokesman Rae Tyson reveals, leaving aside questions about what these sites may do with the information. “This is completely untrue.”

Tyson said that cars.gov is the only official DOT CARS website. He also said his agency is working with car manufacturers and dealer associations to contact all state-registered dealers and promote the program to consumers. “If you’re a consumer, there is no need to pre-register with anyone. If you’re a dealer, we will contact you as and when the program is initiated.”

I’m putting this here on the off-chance that Googlers and such might find it even before they get to TTAC.

WordPress 2.8 came out on the 10th; I did the upgrade on the 11th; the 12th went by without incident.

And then, suddenly, a deluge of spam: over seven hundred since the weekend began. Akismet hasn’t missed any of them — it’s been running about 99 and 44/100ths percent accurate since I installed it last fall — but still I have to wonder what’s going on. Are the Evil Dweebs retraining their bot armies to look for WP upgrades?

Then again, I probably shouldn’t whine. Akismet keeps count, and they’re saying 82 percent of all comments introduced into the system are in fact spam. Even after the weekend bump, I’m averaging about 63.

Once in a while, a spammer almost comes up with something resembling a story. From yesterday’s email:

Guys with long love tools always win — vinaigrette banyan denominational hustings

I can imagine a banyan denominational husting, though I can’t think of any reason to drench it with vinaigrette.

And the title was nearly as lyrical:

Use mind to improve your fang overbearance modernism abruptness incurvature

Truth be told, I’ve seen lots of modernistic architecture with abruptness and incurvature, and while it was occasionally overbearing, it didn’t do a thing for the ol’ fang, if you know what I mean.

This was apparently circulating last year, but I only just now got my first copy of it:

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $189.60. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-6 days in order to IWP the data received.

A link is duly provided, which of course doesn’t go anywhere near the Internal Revenue Service.

What I find amusing about this is the fact that one must jump through several Tax Code hoops to acquire 501(c)(3) status; someone who has made no such jumps can’t possibly get any kind of correspondence of this type. Not that a scammer in Singapore can be expected to know that, I suppose. In the meantime, I’m allowing them 3-6 days to go IWP themselves.

A. S. “Mike” Monroney, who represented Oklahoma in Congress for thirty years, came up with the Automobile Information Disclosure Act, which mandates certain information be provided to the car shopper on what is now called the Monroney sticker. The sticker is provided by the manufacturer; should the dealer wish to tack on additional equipment, it is spelled out on a separate sticker.

When do the tacked-on items become tacky? When they include stuff like this:

It was a [2010 Chevrolet Camaro] V6 RS with no sunroof and auto. Not what I’d want, but it was nice. List was $27K+. Get this: the dealer added a $5000 “market adjustment.” But wait, there’s more! How about a $695 “Desert Protection Pkg.”? They also added … you’d better sit down … $999 for Nitro Tires. It was explained on another car’s sticker that it’s a lifetime supply of nitrogen for the tires. Wow, just wow. This at a dealer that’s got one foot in the grave, too.

“Market adjustment” I can understand: it’s a brand-new model, and demand is demonstrably high. But a thousand bucks for nitrogen? I’ve got nitrogen in my tires. Cost me $6 per tire. I had them refilled once, when the tires were rotated, since the recommended pressures differ front to rear. Assuming I continue to have them rotated every 7500 miles as recommended, a thousand dollars would get me to the 420,000-mile mark. As I drive maybe 11,000 miles a year, I’d have more than one foot in the grave long before I used up all that gas.

And does anyone know what goes into that “Desert Protection Package”?

Don Mecoy reports in the Oklahoman:

An Oklahoma County judge Monday issued a restraining order against a Missouri company that has continued to make random telemarketing calls to Oklahomans after the state insurance commissioner ordered the firm to stop last week.

“I will not tolerate this company’s flagrant disregard of the law and will continue to pursue those responsible until the calls stop and they are held accountable,” Insurance Commissioner Kim Holland said.

Holland also filed a lawsuit Monday against VSI Vehicle Services, seeking civil penalties and an injunction that would further prevent the company from doing business in the state. VSI still is subject to administrative fines for any violations to Holland’s previous order that could be as high as $25,000 per offense.

Obvious scum. But they aspire to even greater depths:

A VSI employee, when told the company had been ordered to stop calling Oklahomans, responded: “I don’t care. You don’t know where I am. I think it’s funny,” according to Holland’s petition filed Monday in Oklahoma County District Court.

The VSI bunch also apparently operates under the name Warranty Solutions, Inc.; the restraining order applies also to them, and to two specific individuals, one of whom probably thinks it’s funny. Other aliases were not mentioned. As a general rule, people like this cannot be rehabilitated: they must be exiled. I recommend one of these locations:

• Epoxied, face forward, to the tailpipe of a battered ‘74 Chevrolet with worn rings
• Surgically attached to Perez Hilton
• Airlifted into the nearest active volcano

Which, if nothing else, demonstrates that I am merciful: the trip to the farthest active volcano would be long and tedious. And at no point, you will note, did I recommend you call them at 636-447-0158 (fax 636-441-1604) and give them a piece of your mind.

Received this afternoon:

My name is Jonathan Domshos, the Marketing Director of Mobile Transport Inc., I’m here to inform you that you are the lucky winner of the 2009 mail lottery from “World Fitness Enterprise”. For this 2009 lottery the “World Fitness Enterprise” gives away 10 brand new 2004 Nissan Altima and you are one of the lucky winners. Please visit our website in order to claim you prise and receive all the information on how to pick up your car.

Just what I need: a car that’s been sitting in storage for five years. And if I’ve read the mail headers correctly, it’s been sitting in Russia.