Bob gets a look at where the line might be:

A customer came up to my cashier stand at my weekend job with a dozen brown organic eggs costing $4.50. The woman informed me, without prompting from me, “These are worth every penny of what they cost!” I agreed, and told her I live on a farm where some of our hens are still giving us 4 to 6 eggs a day, even in the cold winter months. She was impressed, until I told her how delicious the goats’ milk is. She quietly backed away.

I suspect a lot of us would just as soon not think about where some of our foodstuffs originate — even the obvious ones, like goats’ milk. On the other hand, I am sometimes possessed of the notion that rather a lot of our processed “convenience” foods are actually produced at a chemical plant outside Secaucus, New Jersey, and require hazmat treatment all the way to the supermarket.

I’ve shared one meal with Andrea Harris, and no, we didn’t go out for something Mexican:

I don’t see what the big deal is about Mexican food. Just about everyone I know is obsessed with the stuff. “What’ll we eat tonight?” “Let’s go out for Mexican!” Said with the gleaming eyes of fanatics. And then we end up [at] some Fake-Mex place like Chili’s. But like I said, I’ve eaten the more authentic cuisine (when I lived in Miami there was the little place in Little Havana, of all neighborhoods, which was owned and run by Mexicans from Mexico, stocked with Mexican sodas and all kinds of things, where the food was the real stuff; and it was good too — all at a little hole-in-the-wall place). But I don’t see what’s so special about it. It’s basically the same heavy peasant fare that people eat the world over — meat, rice, beans — tarted up with hot chilis. I think that’s the draw, the hot chilis: apparently capsaicin is addictive, you build up a resistance to it like to any drug and you need more and more to fulfill your cravings. Also it increases endorphins, just like heroin. But it tastes better than sprinkling heroin on your food.

This is why God in His wisdom gives us ulcers: to get us to lay off the jalapeños, fercrissake.

In this part of the country, anyway, you’re either going to encounter some form of Tex-Mex in a comparatively-sanitary form or something closer to the Real Enchilada in a shadier configuration.

And then there’s Taco Bell, which, says Andrea, is “about as Mexican as apple pie.” Not that you’d care at 1:50 am.

Prepare to get stuffed:

The American Farm Bureau Federation reports that the price for a classic Thanksgiving Day dinner, including turkey, stuffing, cranberries, pumpkin pie and all the trimmings, for a party of 10 will run $44.61. That’s up $2.35 from the price that was revealed in last year’s survey.

The survey shopping list includes turkey, bread stuffing, sweet potatoes, rolls with butter, peas, cranberries, a relish tray of carrots and celery, pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and beverages of coffee and milk.

It does not include the following:

• Driving to Aunt Myrtle’s, since she’s the only one in the family who will still actually cook;
• Listening to Uncle Hal yell at Aunt Myrtle;
• Store-brand knockoffs of Pepto-Bismol.

more the engrish!

From the “Why didn’t I think of this?” file, an answer to a question I might have thought imponderable:

Using a variety of materials (all edible, and most sugar-based), I created several fall-themed cakes, a football cake, some floral cakes, and one (which I shall finish tomorrow right away) meant for little girls with a theme of pink buttons and bows.

Really, this is the perfect outlet, and the answer to the ever-pressing question that all non-selling artists face: where do I store all my artwork? A painting on a cake gets eaten, and shall never need storing. I find this a rather perfect solution, since I quickly grow tired of my artwork if it sits around too long.

“But… but…”

“Doesn’t it make you feel bad to know someone is going to cut into and then eat your painting?”

No. Not at all. Let them eat cake!

Disclosure: I actually own something she created. And no, it’s not a cake. (This guy is involved.)

For instance, “circus peanuts”:

Those orange, marshmallow type things that taste and feel like styrofoam soaked in Triaminic. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you if you like them, I’m just saying, your taste buds are broken. Think of it as a handicap or disability. I bet you could get some kind of special license plate for that, too. “Oh, let him park close to the store … he likes circus peanuts.”

Incidentally, I have learned never to question Michele’s similes: they always turn out to be rooted in God’s own truth, and then I have to keep from asking “How did she find that out?”

Other sweets she reviles:

• Mary Janes
• Tootsie Rolls
• Twizzlers
• Milk Duds
• Necco Wafers
• Candy corn
• Black licorice
• Cadbury Cream Eggs

Some of these I would defend; others I wouldn’t touch with a two-foot toothbrush. Necco Wafers, I’ve found, tend to vary with the individual colors: the darker, the better. High on my Avoid List are Whoppers and other variations on the malted-milk-ball theme, which have the general mouthfeel of chocolate-coated brake dust. (Don’t even ask.)

Really, I ought to be overjoyed at this discovery:

For chocolate lovers out there, your options just tripled.

Scientists have discovered that there are actually 10 genetic types of cacao, the plant from which chocolate is made, rather than the mere three that were thought to exist.

A team of researchers did a genetic analysis of the Theobroma l. cacao species, statistically comparing the frequency of snippets of DNA spaced regularly through the cacao genome, and found that 10 different genetic types of the species exist.

I’d like to think “New, disease-resistant hybrids!” and/or “New flavor combinations!” But mostly, I think that producers of chocolate products don’t care about genomes as much as they care about price, and so I’m not expecting anything wonderful to come from this discovery.

Which is a shame, because I’d like to have an excuse to eat more chocolate. (I know, I know … if I need an excuse, what’s the point?)

This is called Purina Gamer Chow Gamer Grub, and it’s pitched at people too busy at their screens to take time out for actual meals or even Hot Pockets.

Belhoste, however, sees another market:

I think I figured it out — people who don’t have any clean dishes left in the house. These would be the perfect choice for a meal when every single dish that I own is in the dishwasher and I am completely out of liquid dish soap so washing a dish or two by hand would also be completely out of the question. That has to be it — that has to be the niche that this product is catering to.

It is of course possible for both these sectors of the population to overlap.

Who knew? Apparently ramen can go bad.

In fact, don’t try this anywhere. I know it doesn’t work for me:

Most of us would be repulsed by the sight of ourselves stuffing food into a body where love handles are on show. Taking your clothes off before you eat, to make you feel self-conscious about every fattening mouthful, is one option.

But if that doesn’t work, curb your cravings by eating naked in front of a full-length mirror. This is only recommended when dining solo — and definitely not in restaurants.

In fact, last night I watched myself carrying a small dish of ice cream past a full-length mirror, and the only thought on my mind was “Geez, this stuff is melting fast.”

Trini was a big fan of a now-defunct (except in Norway) soft drink called Surge.

She will probably not, however, be interested in this:

Sky News reports that the Japan Tobacco Company has launched a new ‘fizzy’ drink called Unagi Nobori or ‘Surging Eel’. The drink went on sale this month during the country’s eel-eating season.

The yellow-colored fizzy drink contains extracts from the head and bones of eel plus five vitamins that are contained in the fish. It’s said to be the best way to stay cool in hot weather.

Pardon me if I don’t ask what makes it fizz.

Frosting shots:

At a handful of cupcake storefronts around the country, the frosting shot has emerged as a short-but-sweet pick-me-up for urbanites and college students.

The gist is generally the same bakery to bakery: for a small fee, customers get a dollop of their favorite frosting in a paper or plastic cup, about the size of a frozen yogurt sample.

Because eating it out of a can is just so 1970s.

(Via Pop Culture Junk Mail.)

The nimrods who are always kvetching about fast food never seem to grasp its true tragedy: no one place has a monopoly on the good stuff, which means that the ideal quickie meal requires you to stop at several locations and pick a la carte, which of course you’re never going to do.

Now imagine that it’s no actual hassle at all:

One thing that I’ve always wanted to see is one place, one drive-through, one counter, where you could get all of your favorite fast-food in ONE spot.

For instance, a Jack-in-the-Box Sirloin Burger with Crinkle Cut Fries from Culver’s, a Route 44 Limeade from Sonic and then a Dairy Queen something for dessert.

Because quite honestly, I love fast food, I just don’t like one particular franchise’s selection across the board.

I have actually resorted to buying bags of burgers at one place while someone else snagged fries from another, but this was back when there was someone else; I’m disinclined to do it today. Still, this seems like one heck of an idea to me, and Yum! Brands’ two! two! two restaurants in one location doesn’t quite do it.

I opened up a jar of pickles last night — Braum’s house-label Hamburger Dill Slices, which will (mostly) be used for their stated purpose — and for some reason began reading the Nutrition Facts on the label. I grinned weakly at “Calories: 0″ and frowned slightly at “Sodium: 300 mg.” But the one thing that caught me off-guard was at the very top: “Serving Size: 1 oz (28g/about 7 Slices).”

Seven slices? Have I been gypping myself on my burgers all these years? And since when does Braum’s actually put seven on one of their burgers?

This, I think:

And the dog gets the, um, semi-bone.

The lowly fish stick, given its mysterious McNuggetoid main ingredient and its comparatively-low price, gets less respect than even the late Rodney Dangerfield; even people who think Red Lobster is some kind of haute cuisine won’t eat them.

They have to be done right, though. My mother inflicted these upon us on Fridays for years, usually alongside Brussels sprouts and prepackaged “crinkle” fries. Eventually I learned that a slightly overdone fish stick, its crunch accentuated, is a lot more entertaining than one baked exactly to the manufacturer’s specifications, although actually burning it is not to be encouraged.

I hasten to add that should you want to set fire to your Brussels sprouts, it’s fine with me.

Food prices, we are constantly told, are spiraling out of sight. Last year, I paid $2.78 a pound for middling ground beef (80/20 or thereabouts). This year, it’s — $2.78.

The explanation, courtesy of Scott Dewald, executive vice president of the Oklahoma Cattlemen’s Association:

“The good news for consumers is the significant rise of grain, transportation and other costs have yet to be translated into significantly higher prices for beef on a national level.”

[Dewald] said there is no doubt the rising cost of grain, fertilizer and transportation have a direct negative impact on producer profits. But he said while some industries are able to pass on higher costs to consumers, the beef industry, particularly at the rancher level, is largely unable to do so.

Instead, what happens is this:

The abnormally high input costs coupled with drought in some areas and other production issues have resulted in more and more producers selling off all or part of their herd. This results in large supplies and therefore low consumer prices.

Eventually, this will result in smaller herds, which inevitably produce fewer calves, which means that supplies will tighten and prices will head upwards again. For now, though, I think I’ll grill a couple of burgers.

After looking over the food budget for the Sedgwick County Zoo, I have just one question: “Where do I get hold of this Omnivore Chow, and is it any better than this?”

What? That’s two questions? Sheesh. You can’t please anyone these days.

I saw this comment at Megan McArdle’s place, and I don’t blame the commenter for being puzzled:

Why, can anyone tell me, does sliced seitan cost more per pound than filet mignon?

I’m not complaining that it “should” be cheaper, I actually would like to know why a product made, essentially, from livestock feed can cost more than a product made from the livestock. Is it really expensive to process? Do seitan consumers have very inelastic demand (because they’re vegetarians and need protein at any cost)? Is the population of seitan-eaters so small that some economies of scale don’t apply?

I’m thinking more likely the last — even within its niche it’s a niche product — but I’m open to other ideas.

Filet mignon, incidentally, was $16.99 a pound at Homeland this past weekend, which is a little less than I might have expected. (No, I didn’t buy any.)

Pepsi-Cola’s Japanese outpost has produced a limited (we hope) edition Pepsi Blue Hawaii, which apparently is intended to emulate the Blue Hawaii cocktail. It reminds me more of Glass Plus.

Hey, it’s got to be better than Pepsi Ice Cucumber or Coke’s Water Salad, doesn’t it?

(Via Pop Culture Junk Mail.)

Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. There’s plenty to spare.

(Via Pop Culture Junk Mail.)

There’s a Dr Pepper billboard around to the effect that IT. HAS. 23. FLAVORS. SO. PACE. YOURSELF.

Surely I’m not the only one who’s read this out loud with Shatneresque cadence.

I don’t know if it’s going to be branded as a 100th-anniversary edition, but the Hydrox sandwich cookie (1908-2003) will return to store shelves (briefly) in August, and from there to my pantry.

Note to you stragglers: Hydrox was here first. The Oreo dates to 1912, although weird variations on the theme are a relatively recent phenomenon.

(Via Autoextremist. Yes, really.)

Bismarck is supposed to have said something to the effect that “Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made.”

Had he been around longer, he could have added that you probably don’t want to see hot dogs discussed on a blog, either.

Chips should be chips, and soda should be soda, and never the twain should meet.

(Found at Pop Culture Junk Mail.)

Beans: neither musical, nor a fruit.

Discuss.

Courtesy of the late Allan Sherman, and sung to a possibly-recognizable tune:

When you go to the delicatessen store
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst
I repeat what I just said before
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst

Oh, buy the corned beef if you must
The pickled herring you can trust
And the lox puts you in orbit A-OK
But that big hunk of liverwurst
Has been there since October first
And today is the 23rd of May

So when you go to the delicatessen store
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst
It’ll make your insides awful sore
Don’t buy the liverwurst
Don’t buy the liverwurst

(More or less a reprint from this date in 2005.)

I don’t do a lot of grocery shopping at Target, mostly because the Target nearest to me is a couple of rungs short of Super-hood and therefore lacks a lot of grocery-store essentials, but I did have that 10-percent-off card, so while I was picking up stuff like furnace filters at a Target of greater Superness, I poked through the food aisles and turned up a curiosity: “New York Vanilla” ice cream, under their Market Pantry house brand.

One has to assume, given the price of real vanilla, that the flavoring is largely synthetic, but it’s a darn good synthetic. The yellowish color hints at the presence of eggs, which I am given to understand are an essential component of true New York Vanilla, but if they’re on the ingredient panel, they’re concealed behind something science-y. Target HQ being in Minnesota, maybe this is New York Mills Vanilla. It’s still pretty good.

It’s hard to add anything to this:

The Sioux Falls Canaries and Dakota Provisions are teaming up this summer to bring Fowl Balls to concession stands at the Birdcage. The venture makes Sioux Falls Stadium the first sports venue in the country to offer their fans a chance to enjoy turkey testicles.

Fat chance, say I. Says Rocket Jones:

The local poultry processor has some 32,000 extra Tom-bits left over at the end of each day, and someone became a marketing legend by convincing folks who should know better that nothing says baseball quite like a piping hot basket of Fowl Balls.

It would take an awful lot of Cracker Jack^® and brewskis to wash that down.

Dr. Weevil’s secret to jazzing up ramen:

Add a handful of bean sprouts, some fresh basil and cilantro leaves, and a dash or two each of lime juice and tabasco. In other words, add all the easily-procured ingredients of pho (Vietnamese beef noodle soup) except the beef. The result is only half as good as the pho at a Vietnamese soup kitchen like Pho Cali in Raleigh, but that’s still approximately four times as tasty as plain ramen, and it takes roughly three minutes to put together.

The disadvantage, of course, is that the improvements bring up the price of the meal, from “darn near nothing” to “not a whole lot,” which may make a difference to the stereotypical Starving Student who subsists largely on ramen. Still, even real pho isn’t that pricey, at least here in the Big Breezy, which has a substantial resident Vietnamese population.