Many people visiting this site are looking for something specific. Once in a great while they’re looking for something amusing, and their queries will show up here. It’s not as dramatic as, say, having Rahm Emanuel show up in your shower, but for now, it will have to do.

“spring forward nonsense”:  You see it every year, about this time.

crossdressers getting enemas:  Now if this had been crossdressers giving enemas, I might have been surprised.

mcdonalds green shamrock shake laxative:  Look on the bright side: you won’t need an enema from a crossdresser.

what does tyra banks do about her flat feet:  Kick your behind for even mentioning the subject.

results of fake smile project:  Initial public offering for SyntheGrin™.

what tire size is good for a dohc 2.0 liter engine:  It doesn’t matter so much: you’re not putting the tire on the engine anyway.

compilation of strange penises:  They’re only strange if you haven’t met them yet.

lost bet “you’re naked”:  Generally, most people can tell if they’re naked or not.

marital “birthday suit”:  Highly recommended whenever possible, but no wagering.

does oklahoma disabled vets tax exemption apply to liquor purchases:  Sales tax, yes; excise tax if any, no.

sin taxes fail: As a veteran, I do my part.

cincinnati woman offers sex for 5 dollars and gumball:  That must have been one hell of a gumball.

how will the economy affect Krispy Kreme:  We’ll know for sure if they start selling gumballs.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: “headless woman” carnival -martel.

Time once more to sort through a week’s worth of Googlers and Bingers and whatever and find something, anything, to make Monday morning bearable.

“verb that noun”:  What the adjective noun are you verbing about?

“can i just remind you to bite me”:  Maybe, but you really should work up a calendar entry, just in case.

how many demerit points lost if you crowd the driver’s seat:  It varies. Did you also crowd the examiner’s seat?

there’s a spammer on your aim:  Let’s say he makes a credible target.

oklahoma city roman numerals downtown:  Your best bet will be somewhere south of VIth Street.

sarcastic wit vs clown wit:  You need them both. Otherwise, you’re just a half-wit.

I want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Sure you do, Mr. Special Agent, sir.

Avon’s Marketing Strategy compared to ESPN’s:  Forever apart, unless someone develops a beer that contains moisturizer.

bud light urea:  Well, at least it isn’t moisturizer.

vedio white lady faulking in the pool:  Some of us don’t tolerate faulks like that.

“newspaper dress” “saint paul”:  Be sure to Pioneer Press before wearing.

charles hill okc suicide:  Why doesn’t anybody tell me these things?

“amputee whore”:  You’ve really got to hand it to her, so to speak.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: classic bulb enema pictures.

This weekly feature contains the least-unfunny items from seven days’ worth of search strings leading to this very site; in its only world competition, it took the tin medal.

time compressed movies:  For instance: 1620: A Space Odyssey.

female clothing optional birthdays:  If you can persuade them so, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

insanity nekkid:  Aw, give her a break. It’s her birthday.

Application “Who has seen your profile?” is unavailable:  Perhaps someone was looking at your profile at the time.

what was the name of the country where the sun doesn’t go down:  I dunno, but I bet it’s on the warm side of Mercury.

penis football field:  If he even starts to compare his to one, he lies.

i’m reputedly intelligent:  You’re seeking corroboration, then?

do any rockstars have a prince albert piercing:  I dare say, this question is above my pay grade.

hysterectomy sling anal sex:  And they say I have no patience.

how can i ease my mind the day before an HIV test?  If it’s any consolation, this isn’t the kind of test you have to cram for.

who is more attractive judith miller or maureen dowd:  You tell me:

Obligatory Rule 34 item: gay sex with old men scholl sandals.

The server logs weren’t exactly boiling over with snark potential this week, but just the same, we aim to please.

Plumper wearing black opaque tights:  Fetishes have become so specific these days.

sex tube 5″ open toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  See what I mean?

what does bitez moi mean:  It’s the fake-French translation of the pig-Latin phrase “ite-bay e-may.”

mazda 626 has a light that says hold:  It’s no substitute for a machine that goes Ping.

marvin the martian condi rice  Never quite imagined those two together, but hey, whatever works.

backstage pass to 101 dalmatians:  Just slip a can of Alpo to Bowser, and he’ll take care of you.

gay sex with old men scholl sandals:  Immediately after which, they’ll tell you to get off their lawn.

why emails deleted before read:  This must be the one person on earth who has never received any spam.

stairway to heaven tattoo:  A hedgerow right across the bustle, I assume.

Maureen Dowd on fertility drugs:  I believe this is what they would call a Bad Idea.

how to draw prince philip from sleeping beauty:  Wake her up quickly.

totally enclosed slut:  I think most people prefer them flush-mounted.

charles hill death in february 2010:  Why doesn’t anybody ever tell me these things?

Obligatory Rule 34 item: Deborah Gibson at 40.  (Wait about six more months.)

For the uninitiated, this is an exercise wherein we look through the last week’s logs, jot down the funny stuff on one hand on the other side of the screen, and copy it over here in an attempt to create the impression of fresh Monday-morning content. This works better than it has any right to, really.

well endowed at nudist:  I should think that such individuals would be rather conspicuous.

being invisible is now almost possible with this nifty:  cloak you swiped from that Potter kid, who is now going to turn you into a yak with suppurating pustules, if you’re lucky.

facelift for a ranch style home:  You’ll notice no one ever suggests Ranch Style Beans, and that’s sad.

beautiful wodget will not load skins on my eris:  Eris does not like to be skinned, especially if Trojans are involved.

virgin socially inept:  Is this the last stereotype?

sierra mist shrink’s male penis:  Not so. He’s just socially inept.

don’t start sentences with to:  To which rule of grammar does this admonition refer?

fonts for preteenagers:  Give ‘em Comic Sans and hope they grow out of it.

no offensive farting words:  And they say I’m no fun.

Buy Toyota Save Japan:  And just when I was waiting for Fiat to get here, too.

fudge the guinea pig on the mobile phone:  This is one of those phrases that sounds dirty but really isn’t.

how to have a polite political discussion:  This is one of those phrases that sounds clean but really isn’t.

I think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

Obligatory Rule 34 content: dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics. (Maybe in 2012.)

What you’re looking at is a highly-unrepresentative sampling of the search requests that arrived on this site during the last seven days, chosen mostly for potential snark value. We do this once a week; the possibility of unintended acceleration of this schedule is essentially nil.

candid jailbait spy:  What’s worse than a perv? A perv by proxy.

please god piss it away this time:  Um, this is not how you pray for rain.

does meredith vieira wear a bikini:  Certainly not in front of Matt Lauer.

twit_dollars:  The new Twitter-based currency. In an effort to reduce individual debt, no one will be allowed to spend more than 140 of them at a time.

backstage pass to 101 dalmatians:  Spot remover is specifically prohibited.

crossdresser glute pads:  See your local booty consultant for details.

I’m not well known for my great social skills:  Which may explain why you’re on the computer in the middle of the night.

cognitive dissonance at pier 1 imports:  It starts with that one item in the store marked “Made in USA.”

middle aged men expect bikini wax:  Then let them get it themselves.

sally kern is a nazi:  I don’t think she even owns a pair of proper jackboots.

Why was Alfred Kinsey a trailblazer:  He was originally drafted by the Celtics, but he couldn’t hit a free throw to save his life, so they traded him to Portland.

paranoia is good for you:  Not so loud. Someone might be listening.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: maureen dowd flirting.

It’s time again to slash our way through the jungle of referrer logs in the hope of finding something worth a snicker or two.

what the f— is steve’s problem:  I’ll have to refer this one to Garfunkel & Oates.

koco tv announcer says chickenshit:  I’ll have to refer this one to The Lost Ogle.

nude obstacle course:  Anything that can produce splinters should be considered an obstacle.

is it bad to puke green with white dots in it:  It is bad to puke green even without white dots in it.

Do liberals have more abortions than conservatives?  Don’t know for sure, though they’re certainly more likely to brag about it.

American icon created to get rid of turkey inventory:  ”What is Congress?”

do red bulbs make me look better naked?  There’s only one way to find out.

Sometimes Reaching Noble Guys Seems Impossible Laborious Now Troubling Your Average Heterosexual Occasional Outposts Dating Obvious Toolboxes Craving Opposite Men:  I’m inclined to think this guy has spent too much time dating obvious tools.

crossdressing in scholl sandals:  Doesn’t strike me as much of a cross.

richard stallman had a girlfriend:  E-I-E-I-O. (Licensed under GNU.)

why doesn’t oklahoma bury power lines:  Something about holes not magically appearing in the earth at exactly the right spot.

Search do woman, ladies and girls ever fart in their pantyhose, when they wear them?  Certainly not when they don’t wear them.

aspergers or arrogant asshole:  Technically, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Obligatory (and literal!) Rule 34 item: rule34 pelosi.

Once again, it’s time to sort through the logs and see if there’s anything snarkworthy therein. (Caution: Damage from side-splitting humor, if any, is covered by neither House nor Senate health-insurance measures.)

el camino with gun rack:  And they say General Motors can’t make anything people will actually buy.

refrigerator box pictures:  I suspect most people living in a refrigerator box haven’t hung any pictures.

archie veronica enema:  I blame Mr. Weatherbee.

The World’s Biggest Crap:  Let’s hope Archie and Veronica weren’t involved.

“walks around the house naked”:  Around the inside of the house, or around the outside of the house?

arrow dynamics:  ”I shot an arrow into the air / And where it fell, I do not care.”¹

custom bmx paint jobs green frame and orange spokes:  About time someone came up with a Bicycles for the Blind program.

are razors made for women as good as men slim twin:  You should always buy women’s razors. They’re designed for heavy use, and they’re so cute.²

dalton gang related to B. Dalton books?  Nope. For that matter, Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos wasn’t even female, let alone a warrior.

why is england rich:  Um, because they haven’t started demoninating everything in euros?

oklahoma bikini team:  Can’t help you with that. Try The Lost Ogle.

dustbury do not click:  I’ve been saying that for years.

Obligatory Rule 34 item (four requests so far!): cosmo unedited scott brown centerfold.

¹ Not to be confused with anything written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

² I am currently testing this premise experimentally.

For the uninitiated: This weekly (mostly) feature highlights the most inexplicable search strings found in this site’s referrer logs during the last seven days, a textbook example of blogdom’s ability to create the illusion of content without actually producing any.

oklahoma tshirt cleavage:  And me without a Pushmataha joke.

universal spoilers:  Eventually the Big Bang runs out of steam; the entire apparatus collapses in on itself.

goobers in popcorn:  Which is actually preferable to, say, Good & Plenty in one’s nachos.

nipples on newscasters:  I blame the stage manager for turning the studio thermostat down to 65.

boat sluts:  Buoys just can’t resist.

how I sold my pharmacy:  I made up a story about how CVS was going to buy the lot across the street, and Walgreens immediately bought me out.

why do we need rocks:  Among other reasons, to drink Scotch on.

comics granma gives enema:  It’s not like you had a chance getting one from, say, Fritzi Ritz.

conservatives rooms are tidy:  Tax cuts mean more money to pay the help.

Obligatory (and literal!) Rule 34 item: rule34 nancy pelosi.

Now guaranteed to contain less than 385 ppm CO₂, or your money back.

god hates us all tattoo:  Which is why He makes you pay good money to have your skin punctured, I assume.

i just lie there during sex:  Well, at least you’re not lying over here.

waxing less frontal nudity:  It seems to me that the more you wax, the nuder you are, so to speak.

taco bell hiring:  Which is good news if you expect rather a lot of Congressmen to be leaving office soon: at least they’ll have some place to go.

montgomery ward catalog penis flaws:  You want a lifetime warranty on your tool, you have to go to Sears.

pantyhose for penis:  I wouldn’t try this trade at Montgomery Ward, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Lola sports a tattoo on her thigh that reads “Death by rabbit”:  Jimmy Carter, lust in his heart notwithstanding, has avoided her ever since.

old farts age 50:  Hell, boy, when I was your age you couldn’t be an old fart ’til you were sixty-two. They’ve been raising the age ever since. Now get off my lawn.

concrete rotary dustbury:  Which, if you think about it, makes even less sense than “Honey Nut Cheerios.”

dustbury state fair:  Next year, we’re deep-frying Honey Nut Cheerios on the midway.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: maureen dowd pix sexy.

Why, yes, I’d rather be vacationing in Hawaii, thank you, but hey, the logs wait for no one, so here we go with this week’s installment.

Lesley Gore Where is she now:  Oh, come on. You don’t own her. She’s not just one of your many toys.

“wake a sleeping student”:  Tell him there’s a pop quiz. That will usually get his attention.

hubby saw wife on cam:  And a double overhead cam at that.

don’t piss off the pillsbury dough boy cheezburger:  I can haz cressunt rollz?

item you can bury to have an immense value:  Just about any current cap-and-trade proposal will be much better buried.

myrna loy’s unfortunate legs:  What’s unfortunate is how little we got to see them.

who was alive in the year 0:  Nobody you’d know, I suspect.

people you never thought you’d see naked:  Nobody you’d know, I suspect.

what type of exercise can a male to female crossdresser do to get a smaller waist:  Just pulling up stockings will work those abs.

“grit eating scum”:  Most of the scum I know won’t touch grit, as an entree anyway.

what’s a spendophobia:  A rare condition, to which government office-holders are largely immune.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: has shirley jones ever posed topless?

On the continuum of laffs, this weekly feature generally falls somewhere above “nervous chuckle” but well below “explosion in one’s shorts.”

punished butts & bulb enema:  Don’t give the Transportation Security Agency any ideas.

pretty girl broke my heart:  Yeah. Take a number, pal.

nineinchpenis:  Perhaps that’s the truth behind “I will make you hurt.”

Is anybody annoyed by KOCO’s overkill of the weather?  I’m more annoyed when the weather starts to overkill us.

worst snowstorm in oklahoma history:  As covered, for instance, by KOCO.

if she doesn’t want to sleep with you she’s just not into you:  It’s always about you, isn’t it?

doge trucks for sale:  Hardly used, there being no streets in Venice.

i am a guy who likes wearing women’s wedge sandals in public. anyone else:  Aren’t you the guy who did the faceplant into the fountain last week?

christmas howitzer:  It’s all fun and games until someone loses a shed.

Was Nancy Pelosi in the movie “It’s A Bikini World”?  No. That was Bobby “Boris” Pickett of “Monster Mash” fame. The resemblance is startling, though.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: monica crowley penis size.

This feature is now in its fifth year (here’s the first installment), and overall, I’m inclined to give it a solid B-plus.

nenad krstic victoria secret:  Because what you really want to see in flimsy lingerie is a balding seven-foot Serbian guy.

crossdresser caught by grandma:  Maybe he shouldn’t have borrowed her clothes.

preteen actress movie database yoda:  Jailbait, your heartthrob is.

I Wrote Haikus About Cannibalism in Your Yearbook torrent:  ”First I ate you up / Then I signed beneath your name / Now you download it.”

million dollar home rivendell oklahoma:  Even today, Elrond complains of his property-tax bill.

originally i want children but cat food seemed so much cheaper than college ephemra:  Ramen was not even considered?

Why are guidance councelors always hot:  Because (1) they’re older and (2) they still have a job. These days that’s all it takes.

how to not just lie there during sex:  Just smile and think of guidance counselors.

republicans who drive subaru:  Not a guidance counselor in the lot.

buy less crap:  But … what about the economy?

“btus per pound of tumbleweed”:  Maybe you could afford a proper heater if you didn’t buy so much crap.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: thermometer enema injection panties.

These lists are normally compiled over the weekend, a period when the nation’s attention is turned elsewhere. (Regular readers may question that word “normally.” I’m okay with that.)

How did people react to the refrigerator?  They thought it was incredibly cool.

asian men are stealing black woman:  I’d be willing to bet she went with him willingly.

is a section 8 tenant desirable:  Depends. Is she hooking up with some Asian guy?

“page not accessible” please bomb bush rice:  Geez, some people get so bent out of shape over a simple 404.

“divorce jewelry”:  Includes the classic middle-finger ring.

puking green even though i didn’t eat anything green:  Just one of those things. Here, have some blueberries.

broadway fraud investigation 1982, Donny Osmond:  Unpossible. He’s so sweet and innocent.

intellectectual flexibility:  One of the strategeries of the Bush administration.

getting pissed when people adjust the driver’s seat:  Especially when the driver is in it, I suspect.

keep your burrito to yourself:  And be careful if you’re in the driver’s seat.

is it only a rumour about abba being inducted into the rock and roll hal of fame:  Fernando tells me the fix is in.

need people to install peepholes:  People who need peepholes are the luckiest people in the world, I guess.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: where can i see mama cass nude pics?

Before you ask: I expect to be doing these things for quite a while, inasmuch as I don’t have a defined exit strategy.

green shoes with orange dress:  And thank you for coming by, Mrs Obama.

george w bush coitus with a Ford Mustang:  I’ve heard people say they’d been screwed by Dubya, but I’ve never heard that from a car.

most beautiful in the ward:  Which is why she got moved to a private room shortly thereafter.

I have icons that are replicating:  Perhaps you should keep them farther apart on the desktop.

my legs are ugly and crooked:  Four out of five fashionistas recommend pants.

dreams that involve freon:  Now banned by the EPA, lest you have nightmares about the ozone layer.

how to ban zombies from vent:  Fill it up with Congressmen. The zombies will quickly starve to, well, not death exactly, but something.

the question do transmissions work comes up occasionally:  Usually right about the time you’re writing a large check.

“…I don’t do this sort of thing” ayn rand:  Neither did Dominique Francon, at least at first.

chuck berry naked pics:  You must be playing with your own ding-a-ling.

“dicky fallin”:  Maybe Chuck Berry can help.

uranus hazards:  Oh, please. You’re not even trying anymore.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: trailing fudge nuts.

I thought about going back through the archives and renumbering all of these, but it just didn’t seem like the scientific thing to do, you know?

“lying sack of shit” lss:  Demonstrating the value of the three-letter acronym (TLA).

hallmark fart coin dish-i want my senior citizen discount right friggen now:  Put a sock in it, you LSS.

worst keyboard:  Does it work? Was it paid for by George Soros? Then it’s the worst.

colonel bogey march steel guitar youtube:  So you’re saying that Hitler has only got one string?

enemas suppositories toilet training:  And you thought your parents were harsh.

women driving nude:  Best argument yet for convertibles.

he’s just a man:  Which perhaps explains his interest in women driving nude.

big wetness productions:  For instance, Titanic.

are asian guys datable?  I suppose so, though you can’t very well cut them open and count the rings.

“comic shop” grimy:  I saw one once that was immaculately clean and sensibly organized. It closed within a month.

“paid not to work” AND “accountants”:  Figure out how to extend this to lawyers, and you’ve got a deal.

“prostate exam” “new jersey turnpike”:  [Insert "Exit 2" joke here.]

i knew you was going to say that:  Hey, I’ve done this two hundred times. You should wonder when it’s not predictable.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: kate snow’s blouse, good morning america.

It’s time for yet another installment of the weekly feature that gives you a first-hand look at my attempts to second-guess searchers who landed on this third-rate site. Let us therefore go forth.

you think therefore i am:  Um, I don’t think so.

“larger box” penis enlargement:  Wouldn’t it be easier just to find a smaller box?

monopoly property spelled incorrectly:  ”Free Porking” is actually not a property.

marshmallows fetish incontinence:  This is an aspect of “Jet-Puffed” I would rather not have had to contemplate.

turkey gonads:  No, that’s not the giblets. Pay attention.

“we built this city on basketball”:  From the album Knee Deep in the Shot Clock.

should asphalt lots be salted:  I’d also recommend a dash of paprika and a couple of sprigs of fresh basil. It really brings out the flavor.

“did they really rotate my tires?”  Next time, write your initials on one of the sidewalls with a Sharpie. If it’s in the same position when you get the car back, they didn’t.

stupid minds think alike:  Not true. If it were, there’d be no need to reconcile House and Senate bills.

where can i buy the red roberto cavalli dress megan fox wore in berlin:  Roberto Cavalli is opening an online storefront this fall, or you can wait for Ms Fox to turn it over to a consignment shop.

“this is the song that never ends” “sheet music”:  Now you know why they invented da capo. (And, perhaps, YouTube.)

Obligatory Rule 34 item: sex w/a very old great granny 75 to 85 yrs old pics.

It’s time once more to trot out this recurring series, wherein we sift through the week’s logs and post the least-explicable things we find, after which we promise not to take a bow.

what is adding preservatives:  At the moment, it’s probably what’s keeping me alive.

cute little booger:  It’s not easy being that shade of green.

stable marriage problem java:  Sooner or later, someone will Krakatoa, and then all hell will break loose.

ethylene glycol poisoning in deer:  You mean if I set out a bowl of Prestone, they’ll quit eating my flowers?

Teacher Begs to get deep diced:  The NEA will hear of this at once.

there is one problem:  Oh, if only there were just one problem.

Are there any “shapeshifters” common only to the “great plains”:  There persists a story of a guy who picked up a girl in a bar in Omaha, only to find she was really a bison, but I suspect it’s just an urban legend.

unofficial mottos of corporations:  For instance: AT&T’s “We’re still the phone company, so nyah.”

don’t start sentences with “with”:  With what justification do you make this demand?

christmas howitzer:  It’s all fun and games until someone loses a driveway.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: ann coulter’s rack.

This presentation is a bipartisan effort, in the sense that a small percentage of these might not have actually come from Google, but from some other vendor of basically the same sort of search stuff.

fastest profit.com:  Affiliated with quickest disillusionment.org.

“political breakdown” “independent voters”:  I suspect that if we do have a breakdown, it won’t be because of the independents.

no boyfriend, sick of nsa sex, not meeting anyone, celibacy seems like a punishment, help?  If you’re truly sick of NSA sex, celibacy might actually be an improvement; if nothing else, you’d stand a better chance of landing an actual boyfriend instead of just someone to take up half the bed. Not that I’d know anything about that.

why don’t we feel the earth moving?  Too much NSA sex, maybe.

i do not wear socks:  Are you bragging or complaining?

why textbooks suck:  Ask any student.

glenn danzig doing yardwork:  I wonder if he’s going to move that circle of snakes.

stinky cocaine:  You might want to keep it away from your nose, then.

America’s most rat-infested city is Baltimore:  It depends on what your definition of “rat” is. I think you could make a pretty good case for Washington, D.C.

undergarments for unshapely body parts:  Well, I should hope so.

what does amazingly fugly mean:  Do you, perchance, own a mirror?

dustbury post office fremont ca:  This must be around that marshland on the east side where hardly anyone lives.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: Biped Robot Kit Newt.

If you’ve never seen this before, either you haven’t been paying attention or you’re very new to this site. What happens here: I poke around in the week’s referrals, and the goofiest-looking search strings are posted here for the amusement of the readership. Sometimes it even works.

are scholl sandals bad for your feet:  Not as bad as, say, dancing over hot coals barefoot.

they hate me because i’m thinner:  No. They hate you because you keep reminding them that you’re thinner. And keep in mind, you’ll fit into the woodchipper a lot more easily.

This I ain’t made for putzing:  But that ain’t what it do / One of these days some I / Is gonna putz all over you.

out of date fudge:  Don’t even think about handing it out next Halloween.

when to not wear socks:  ”When wearing sandals” comes most immediately to mind.

convert into txt spk:  WTF4?

i cant make a living working at kmart:  Lately, neither can they.

can a woman drive with no power steering:  Sure. It’s easier, though, to drive a car that never had it than to drive a car that had it up until a couple of minutes ago.

anti anti lock brakes:  Offered as a package with nonpower steering.

grape nuts is cattle feed:  Cattlemen won’t spend four bucks a box for feed, you may be sure.

chat room all naked “no models”:  This idea is useless without webcams, and sometimes with.

can trees kill themselves:  Some of them, despairing, have wanted to, after hearing those bipeds yammering about deadly carbon dioxide.

charles hill and flight attendant:  It never happened. If it had, I’d have been escorted to the exit somewhere over the Continental Divide.

Obligatory Rule 34 item: Meredith Vieira toe cleavage.

Time once again to share the oddest search strings from the past week, and everyone’s invited, even those wastrels from Fox News.

Charles Hill wear:  Featuring an outfit previously sported by the Emperor himself.

dr scholl sandles/naked women:  And here come some happy customers now.

1941 Franklin D. Roosevelt signature bible:  You’ll recognize it at once: he tried to increase the number of Commandments to fifteen.

caught crossdressing hypnosis:  ”You are getting very sleepy. Your mind is totally relaxed. And your pencil skirt makes your butt look big, fella.”

what if man wears an ankle bracelet goes without underwear and goes barefoot all the time is he gay:  No reason to think so; for all we know, he could be under hypnosis.

how many oxygen in the basketball:  Not so much compared with the nitrogen.

alice cooper diseased yak:  This explains much about “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”

“Guaranteed flat bill:”  Is this Flat Stanley’s kid brother?

Sally Kern/Avon Products:  On special, this campaign only: “Head So Hard.”

don’t start sentences with “this”:  This is not a rule, so far as I know.

naturist psychologist:  I bet he doesn’t have a leather couch.

so how’s your bird mrs. robinson:  Geez. I love it more than you will know (whoa, whoa, whoa).

what does it mean to puke green slime:  You’re about to get your health insurance canceled.

Note: Posting of these actual search queries is not intended as a bid for any form of ownership in the National Football League, and should not be construed as such.

where have all the feeling’s gone:  Gone to numbness, every one.

qualifies as a nightmare:  Falling asleep to cable news.

invisibility wears off:  Usually in the bank lobby, and you’re naked, and everyone is watching. Almost qualifies as a nightmare.

how to keep people from stealing pens:  We’re currently in Step 1: making sure they never learn how to write.

5′4″ tall women wears a 36c bra:  Check the backside, then dial 1-800-MIXALOT.

termite compensation for renters in hermosa beach:  They probably figure that being able to afford to live in Hermosa Beach is compensation enough.

where joe maloof stands in his sentimental life:  ”Gee, wasn’t it great when the Kings used to win most of the time?”

ma. warwick, can i build a driveway over a leech field:  I suspect the leeches won’t put up much of a fight.

feces aversion therapy search engines:  I understand dung.com is for sale.

antenna that will make analog tv work advertised by paul harvey:  Um, Paul Harvey is dead, and so is analog TV.

dustbury mosque:  Not gonna happen, unless the Pope quits paying the rent.

Skeptics are now claiming that the strangest search-engine queries are not appearing now, as alleged by several groups of “experts,” but several years ago. Who knew? Besides me, I mean.

Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility story:  Um, this is not about me, okay?

the name of all the cities that have columbus:  Apparently Columbus’ remains traveled nearly as many miles as he did.

don’t wait to be led:  In fact, jump on the bandwagon right now before anyone notices.

what rhymes with politician:  ”Mortician,” most obviously.

keith olbermann/ anderson cooper fanfiction:  ”You’re the worst person in the world, you know that?” “Shut up and hold me.”

mark darcy is an emotional withholder and daniel is just a straightforward man-whore:  ”I thought you said I was the worst person in the world.”

historical bogus trends:  The longer the period being examined, the greater the tendency toward bogosity.

magnetic vortex wormhole generator full body teleportation system gravitational wave vortex:  Is Acme still in business? Wile E. Coyote IV is hungry.

sun doesn’t go down:  The horizon’s moving up.

14th nervous breakdown:  An early Stones single. Followed by “Paint It, Taupe.”

there is no such thing as a bear sheriff yogurt commercial:  Are you absolutely, positively sure about that?

penis shaped fish:  ”Cap’n, there are holes in the net!”

i bet you’re looking at this in your google referrer info and wondering just how bored someone would have to be to search this:  Or, for that matter, to cut and paste it.

This recurring feature was eliminated in the first round of balloting by the International Blog Post Committee, for reasons I am not at liberty to discuss.

how can I help itunes genius work better:  Get lots and lots of songs. Apple prefers, of course, that you get ‘em from them.

kay bailey hutchison’s sexy legs:  Only because I’m a generous soul. The chap on the left is Charles Frank Bolden, Jr., director of NASA. (Source.)

pictures of male transvestite sluts in women’s underthings:  Then again, I’m not that generous.

prius smells bad:  Check for rotting arugula in the vents.

do i like jeeves:  Of course you do. He’s amazingly efficient, unfailingly polite, and he keeps the arugula from falling into the vents.

does larry king wear shoulder pads:  No. That’s a supplemental-restraint system: suspender-mounted airbags.

consarn it:  Some of us are not overly consarned at the moment.

does physics require lab coat:  And the stylish matching lab bag.

where can you not wear socks:  I have a suggestion, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers, among others, would politely disagree.

Relate the “shoot the Geek” scene as a metaphor for Moore’s main point in the context of school violence and cultural understanding:  Nothing like having Google do your homework for you, huh?

Anent the above, here’s an actual photo from the Jersey shore, circa 2001:

“How close did you actually get with that last round?”

Once again, it’s time to go sorting through the week’s logs and see what people have been searching for. (Hey, it beats having to come up with actual content.)

failure to grasp the obvious:  I’ll keep that handy in case I ever need a new motto.

ZZ Top sexist:  I thought every girl crazy ’bout a sharp-dressed man.

“people don’t know pelosi”:  For that matter, some people don’t know jack.

i was turned on by catfight:  See? Somebody’s still watching America’s Next Top Model.

lortab make me dizzy:  Is that like “Calgon, take me away”?

jailbait hot young girls underwear sheer panties swim:  Not to be confused with Cartoon Network’s “adult swim.”

why people oppose naturism:  Because people are still out there searching for “jailbait hot young girls underwear sheer panties swim,” and God forbid they should see actual, non-hot grownups.

four letter that starts with f:  ”Four” comes immediately to mind.

words that you dont hear often:  ”You know, we just don’t get taxed enough” comes immediately to mind.

Why do we no longer use the word “doth”:  For it doth provoke snickering, yea, even unseemly degrees of smartassery.

giles is blunt and coarse: pg 96 – a fart on thomas putnam, that is:  Yeah, but at least he didn’t say “doth.”

woot bag of crap strategy:  About the only thing that works is “Get through before the server crashes,” and that not very often.

In the interest of true transparency, here’s a look at some of the odder search requests from the preceding seven days that somehow landed on this site.

driving through Oklahoma City women nude in window:  Doesn’t sound like my neighborhood.

blame microsoft:  Too easy. Besides, this search came from a Mozilla Firefox user.

why am puking green?  Am coming down with a bad case of arugularity?

my cougar flutters when it reaches 3000 rpms:  There’s a euphemism in there somewhere, I just know it.

girls tattoos in places you can’t see:  Have you considered the possibility that others can see, and therefore the problem is with you?

pillsbury biscuit can “didn’t pop”:  Omigod, someone’s managed to piss off the Doughboy again.

what is the word for when someone flees his country illegaly:  Actually, “tax shelter” is two words.

ank you!  What the ank was that all about?

nude driving leather seats:  Bring a towel or two. Trust me on this.

“management company” “no doormat”:  So go ahead and drag your muddy boots across their floor, and see how well they manage.

my atomic watch stopped at 7:30:  I had no idea there were IP addresses assigned to black holes.

dustbury translator:  I wish. You think I understand all this dreck?

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down, so here’s a batch of wacky referrals from the week gone by.

Turtle Pan Steel Tongue Drum armes bono scale:  What is this, the equivalent of the Konami Code for Rock Band?

folders keep replicating on os x desktop:  Finally, something that can’t possibly be Microsoft’s fault.

average women naked:  You’d better be on your above-average behavior, pal.

octagonal george tea caddy:  Good old George. He and Lazy Susan were a really good match.

abc farmer wife swap show from iowa shaving her pits:  There was once a Golden Age of Television. We are now evidently in the Ferric Oxide Age.

katie couric without clothes on/naked:  Okay, make that Ferrous Oxide. Either way, rust never sleeps.

pantyhosedating.com:  After which you work up to real girls, I presume.

“printer manufacturer” lawsuit:  The legal documents were printed by inkjet, at a cost of $109.95 plus $3,390 for ink cartridges.

where do plus size wealthy women shop?  Sacks, Fifth Avenue.

sexy research assistant:  If I had one of those I could do these more often. Or maybe less often, IYKWIMAITYD.

greedy old farts medicare:  Now get off my lawn and get back to work. You’ve got taxes to pay.

Unlike the government, this feature takes no Monday holidays: into the logs we go.

what is a totally enclosed recessed fixture:  How many people who have to ask “what is a totally enclosed recessed fixture” does it take to screw in a light bulb, anyway?

women stripped by invisible man:  Because he totally wouldn’t have the nerve to try that if they could see him.

tattoo lettering generator:  Yeah, but does it have a spell-checker?

“mama cass” “drum break”  For all the unkind things said about Cass Elliott during too short a lifetime, no one ever accused her of breaking a drum.

hot flashes dripping wet:  Wouldn’t this produce, like, steam?

ankle sweet spot sex:  “Ow!” “What’s wrong?” “Oh, it’s that damn bracelet.”

does Ann Coulter wear hose:  Certainly not with an ankle bracelet.

machine washable bra:  Because you wouldn’t want to send it to the dry cleaner’s.

worlds funniest bra:  Sorry, we can’t help you. It’s at the dry cleaner’s.

broccoli male enhancement:  Because zucchini would be just too obvious.

Sometimes, it takes a whole week to pile up enough material for this feature.

“29 June 2003″ julius caesar transcript:  Um, you missed the Ides of March by more than a hundred days.

so methodists believe “there’s someone for everyone”:  There wasn’t even anyone for John Wesley; he married a widow, who subsequently left him.

i am losing my social skills:  Hanging around blogs all day will do that to you.

3.5 ball:  That’s the true face of the Magic 8-Ball after years of inflation.

Rob Schneider and Saul Alinsky:  ”Old Saul! The Saulinator! Makin’ rules for radicals!”

joe tex sexist?  Shut up, fool. Just because he don’t want no woman with no skinny legs…

Elmer fudd voice for gps:  ”Oooh, you scwewy wabbit, this is where you turn wight.”

don’t start sentences with by:  By what authority do you proclaim this rule?

is shari’s restaurant in union gap haunted:  Nope. That’s just an old cardboard cutout of Gary Puckett.

change between the cushions of my sofa:  And now you know what I voted for in 2008.

Another week, another few thousand visitors. Another handful of weird search strings? What do you think?

woman “massive glutes”:  Shouldn’t be too hard finding someone meeting that description, even if you don’t live near a Walmart.

cracker barrel sells lard:  I assure you, this is not where I got my massive glutes.

dont start sentence with and:  And why the hell not?

i am a stalker and i cant help it:  I’d send you to Stalkers Anonymous, but they keep moving their meeting place for some reason.

ancient greek anal pictorial art:  Sounds like someone’s gotten behind in his Visual Arts class.

human blood price vs printer ink:  AB negative runs a trifle less than HP.

i think im in love there doesn’t seem to be anyone around:  That eliminates the possibility of love at first sight, anyway.

auto spoilers:  That “Cash for Clunkers” deal spoiled quite a few.

miracle gangsta sounds:  Hearing a gangsta singing “Che gelida manina” would be pretty miraculous.

voltaire shoes:  I doubt Dr Pangloss can compete with Dr Scholl.