The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

26 September 2006

Oh, look, here comes the starfish truck

When last we checked in with Rep. Humus B. Kyddenme, he was pitching a House bill to include all known creation stories in the state-mandated public-school curriculum; to his chagrin, the bill never emerged from committee.

For next year, he has a new idea. Noting that population growth has been consistent along America's coastlines, and that the demand for housing has kept property values sky-high in those areas, Kyddenme has decided that landlocked Oklahoma can't compete unless it has a serious shoreline.

Bricktown Beach, despite its name, will not actually be located in Bricktown; the massive artificial ocean, about 185 square miles, will be created by flooding the northeastern quarter of Oklahoma County, roughly everything east of Sooner Road and north of NE 36th Street. (The famed Round Barn in Arcadia, which would otherwise be sunk, will be trucked up Old 66 to a new location west of Chandler.) Tides will be created by wind turbines placed at regular intervals along Pottawatomie Road; as a bonus, they will generate electricity for 3,000 homes in Lincoln County. Kyddenme hasn't given a cost estimate, but he insists that the revenue from the hotels, casinos and restaurants located along the shore will easily cover the expense of digging a two-thousand-foot-deep hole thirteen and a half miles square. As for the 30,000 or so displaced residents, Kyddenme says there's no problem: "Who do you think is gonna buy all those beach houses?" It's no more implausible, he says, than building artificial islands in the middle of the Arkansas River.

Posted at 8:30 PM to Bogus History , Soonerland

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The project needs an acronym: SAPS would be good.

Posted by: Sean Gleeson at 8:08 AM on 29 September 2006

Honestly, I was too dazzled by the brilliance of this plan to comment.

I'm reminded of a Bob and Ray bit, in which an urban renewal expert says that Tucson could become a city of a million people if it had a natural harbor. He advocated demolishing San Diego and rebuilding Tucson on the same site.

Posted by: Michael Bates at 11:32 AM on 29 September 2006