The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

15 September 2006

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

And if you're in China, you've probably got 'em:

Cigarettes, according to China's tobacco authorities, are an excellent way to prevent ulcers. They also reduce the risk of Parkinson's disease, relieve schizophrenia, boost your brain cells, speed up your thinking, improve your reactions and increase your working efficiency.

Pay no attention to those lung cancer warnings — they’re nonsense. You’re more likely to get cancer from cooking smoke! Those are the words of wisdom from China's state-owned tobacco monopoly, the world’s most successful cigarette-marketing agency. With annual sales of 1.8 trillion cigarettes, the Chinese are responsible for nearly 1/3 of all cigarettes smoked on the whole planet.

The official website of the tobacco monopoly claims cigarettes are a kind of miracle drug: solving your health problems, helping your lifestyle, strengthening the equality of women, and even eliminating loneliness and depression. "Smoking removes your troubles and worries," says a 37-year-old female magazine editor, quoted approvingly on the website. "Holding a cigarette is like having a walking stick in your hand, giving you support." "Quitting smoking would bring you misery, shortening your life."

And to think we complained because our ads said they tasted good, like they should.

Posted at 6:14 AM to Dyssynergy


The Karaoke Queen calls death "recycling."

So, maybe the Chinese are on to something here. They have a surplus of people. Mao killed... what... 60 million... and they've still got a billion left over.

So, if it helps the economy... why not? Like the spare human parts biz, it's just another aspect of recycling.

Posted by: Shouting Thomas at 8:14 AM on 15 September 2006

You’re more likely to get cancer from cooking smoke! Those are the words of wisdom from China's state-owned tobacco monopoly, the world’s most successful cigarette-marketing agency.

Hmmm. A state-owned tobacco company in a country without free-speech protections, is the most successful marketer of cigarettes in the world.

Sure didn't see that coming.

Yea, communism -- Great Protector of teh Little Guy®!

Posted by: McGehee at 8:48 AM on 15 September 2006