dustbury.com: A man needs a maid

29 October 2006

A man needs a maid

A former London magistrate spent more than $618,000 paying a woman to clean his house in the nude.

Michael Lee, 59, paid up to $494 an hour for the call girl to dust and vacuum wearing nothing but rubber gloves.

He enjoyed watching her as she polished his dining table, ironed his clothes, washed the dishes and made the bed at his home in Lancashire.

But the obsession drained his bank account and he began stealing money from the firm of which he was financial director. After siphoning off $405,000 to pay his cleaner, his conscience got the better of him and he handed himself in to police.

What's worse, apparently the young lady, whatever her visual appeal, was not the most efficient housekeeper:

The maid's quality of service was called into question by a neighbour: "If that guy spent $618,000 on a cleaner, he should ask for his money back because she obviously didn't have her mind on the cleaning aspect of her work. His place was absolutely filthy."

(Mental note: Revise Standard Book of Fantasies, Vol. XVI.)

Posted at 9:12 AM to Birthday Suitable

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
To putter around the house.
Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a menial
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who you hire when you're short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse:
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around the house!

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who in fetching you your slipper will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse:
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Tittering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom--

Twittering all around the house!

A maid?

A maid.

A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a serving-girl,
A loyal and unswerving girl,
To putter around the house.

Oh, oh,

Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been
Traipsing about.

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,

Living in,

Giving out.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Daintily collecting bits of paper n' strings,
Appealing in her apron strings
And graceful as a grouse.

Pattering through the attic,

Chattering in the cellar,

Clattering in the kitchen,

Flattering in the bedroom,

Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!

A maid?

A maid.

A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse!
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending her gown.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,

Cleaning up,

Leaning down.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse.

Wriggling in the anteroom,

Jiggling in the dining room,

Giggling in the living room,

Wiggling in the other rooms,

Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!
The house!

Posted by: Mister Snitch! at 10:44 AM on 29 October 2006

As someone who has her own "Home Detailing" business, I can tell you that no one has ever offered me enough American dollars to clean their home while I'm in the buff. They have offered, they just haven't offer enough! That's my sweeping comment for the day.

Posted by: Aero at 4:08 PM on 29 October 2006

Good stuff, snitchy. That could be a decadent era's update of "Three Little Maids from School are We".

Posted by: John Salmon at 4:26 PM on 29 October 2006