The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

13 December 2006

I bet this guy got lots of responses

Seen on the Savannah craigslist by Just D:

I am a big jerk who is totally self absorbed. I would tell you about my job but who really cares. I would tell you about some of my previous life experiences but I think you couldn't handle most of it. I don't fit in, in any situation, and do not enjoy staying at home. I also despise going out for a "night on the town". Laughing is for losers and I see the humor in no situations. I am extremely outgoing at first but then get very shy once I get to know you.

I bring a total lack of respect into any relationship and believe that playing games and deceitful tactics are the bedrock cornerstones of any successful encounter with the opposite sex. When you find out I have been cheating on you the only comment I expect to hear is "Well Played".

I am looking for a woman without any goals in life who is not very smart and would enjoy being in a relationship that is full of lies, cheating and stealing (please bring a large bank account to the relationship or at least a home I could leverage behind your back). It would also help if you have absolutely no expectations of me. And of course hygiene is completely optional.

At this point I was thinking that maybe this was posted under this guy's email address by a former girlfriend as a minor act of vengeance, but the last paragraph doesn't fit well with that scenario:

If you "get" this profile then feel free to contact me. If the words "holler at your girl" with at least one misspelled word (i.e. holla, atcha or gurl) are anywhere in your profile, then please remove the statement before contacting me. I won't tolerate jackasses and the inclusion of this phrase ensures this is what you are.

Then again, this could be just my lack of imagination.

Posted at 2:16 PM to Table for One

All I can say is that I am so very glad that I don't "get" that guy. And, hopefully, no one ever will.

Posted by: belhoste at 6:40 PM on 13 December 2006

I dunno. If I were single and checking out the wanted ads I might give 'im a whirl. I mean, it made me laugh hard enough to bring on some asthmatic wheezing. That's a plus.

Posted by: Moira Breen at 8:57 PM on 13 December 2006

Maybe so, but it sounds like a short-term benefit at best.

Posted by: CGHill at 9:00 PM on 13 December 2006

I think he's doing a parody of the kind of Bowflexed airhead that has, perhaps, been getting all the girls he himself would like at least a chance to talk to. And he's hoping there will be girls who've gotten fed up with said Bowflexed airheads and will appreciate the satire.

Trouble is, I also think this guy is a little too enamored of his skill with the branding irony. I forecast he will eventually wear out his welcome, but it won't be his fault, oh perish the thought.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:39 PM on 13 December 2006

But the bedrock cornerstones, Charles, the bedrock cornerstones! Who could resist such puissant metaphor mixing?

Posted by: Moira Breen at 9:19 AM on 14 December 2006

If wordplay really counted for that much, I'd have a [insert female name] of my own by now.

I will, however, resist the temptation to point out that you can't spell "puissant" without "pissant."

Posted by: CGHill at 9:31 AM on 14 December 2006

you can't spell "puissant" without "pissant."

So ... they really are two different words...?

Posted by: McGehee at 2:25 PM on 14 December 2006