The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

2 February 2007

Tag number 1D 10T

This AutoWeek test for automotive idiocy has its charming moments, but ultimately it's aimed at the sort of tweedy folk who drive twee English wrecks with Lucas electrics, which describes very few of the people I see on the road around here. At the suggestion of Autoblog, I present herewith a list of indications that you, too, might be an automotive idiot.

  1. You react as though you were slapped in the face when someone mentions that your Lexus is after all just a juiced-up Toyota. (Similarly for Acura/Honda and Infiniti/Nissan.)

  2. You feel compelled to boast about the superior quality of German engineering while your Jetta is in the shop for the third time in six months.

  3. You pretend not to notice that your ride quality has gone to hell since you installed those ridiculous 19-inch wheels.

  4. You believe that four-wheel-drive makes you immune to the effects of winter precipitation.

  5. You think it's good for the car to spend ten minutes in the driveway warming up. (It's not, and what's more, you're getting 0 mpg while you're doing it.)

  6. You believe that going 56 in the left lane in a 60 zone is proof that you are a Good Person.

  7. Your speed decreases as you move up the onramp.

  8. You put a load of stuff in the trunk to improve winter traction — and you have a front-wheel-drive car.

  9. You have no idea what you're going to do now that you've missed your exit.

  10. You'll just take this one phone call, it might be important.

I could probably go on all day, but that would take all the fun out of the comments, assuming I get any.

Posted at 9:32 AM to Driver's Seat


You think the proper time to activate your turn signal is as you're entering a new lane.

You move into the right-most lane as you approach a red light, not because you're turning, but because it gets you to the front of the line.

Posted by: Don Mecoy at 10:49 AM on 2 February 2007

You think that keeping your front bumper three inches from the rear bumper of the car ahead of you, will actually get you to your destination sooner. Well, maybe your final destination, but still...

Posted by: McGehee at 12:41 PM on 2 February 2007

You think the lack of a painted yellow line in the middle of that big wide road, means it's all one lane, just for you and no one else.

Posted by: McGehee at 12:42 PM on 2 February 2007

Worse yet, you drive like there isn't a painted yellow line, even when there is one.

Posted by: McGehee at 12:43 PM on 2 February 2007

The car behind me would like to know as early as possible - a half-mile at least - when I'm planning on making a right-hand turn. It's only polite.

No matter how many coats of Glidden Exterior I put on this car, it just doesn't look right.

I wasn't so sure, but you really sold me with that 10-year warranty.

I live in the city - I think I'll buy a Hummer.

I live in the suburbs - I think I'll buy a Hummer.

I think I'll buy a Hummer.

Posted by: Joel at 3:06 PM on 2 February 2007

1. You have a North Carolina license.

2. You have a North Carolina license.

3. You have a North Carolina license.

4. You have a North Carolina license.

5-10. You have a South Carolina license.

Posted by: John Salmon at 4:27 PM on 2 February 2007

11. You have a Texas license, whose test you passed when you showed up to the examination with a pulse.

Posted by: Dan B at 5:44 PM on 2 February 2007

You must have been studying up on my neighbors.

Posted by: sya at 9:01 PM on 2 February 2007

In defense of Hummers, they are respectable (and respected) boulder-hoppers, though few of us do more than 0.5 percent of our driving on rocky trails in the middle of noplace.

There are, I suggest, perhaps better choices for driving to Wal-Mart.

Posted by: CGHill at 1:12 PM on 3 February 2007

though few of us do more than 0.5 percent of our driving on rocky trails in the middle of noplace.

Partly because mall-terrain tires are a lot less expensive.

Posted by: McGehee at 3:41 PM on 3 February 2007

Incidentally, I ran into (well, I didn't literally run into him, but you get the idea) an annoying example of Number Seven today, coming down the ramp from Northwest Distressway onto the waning edge of the Hefner southbound. This ramp, sensibly, continues onward far enough to become the offramp for 50th Street, so generally all I have to do is merge into the stream coming in and slide rightward. Not today, folks. This truck comes barrelling down the slope like the proverbial bat escaping Baal; then, as he suddenly discovers something other than empty space in the next lane over, he drops to a crawl, which wouldn't have been so bad except that there was someone behind him who had to make a sudden adjustment. I uttered a word or two of good old Anglo-Saxon, and Gwendolyn, perhaps in a good mood after having gotten all that accumulated dirty snow, or snowy dirt, off her flanks, not to mention a fresh fill of 91 octane, spun herself up to 5500 rpm and we disappeared into the distance.

Posted by: CGHill at 3:42 PM on 3 February 2007

That little lever on the side of the steering column? The one that causes that mysterious clicking sound when you move it? That's not big enough to be important, is it?

Posted by: Matt Navarre at 10:02 PM on 5 February 2007