The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

19 April 2007

How do you do, too?

A couple of weeks ago, I might have left the impression that a new low in baby names had been reached, what with a Swedish infant being tagged with the name "Metallica".

Veronica (a perfectly lovely name, by the way) reminds us that it could be much, much worse:

  1. If your kid isn't ever going to live on Middle Earth, then maybe, just maybe, it's really not okay to peg your child as being the progeny of total dorks for the rest of their lives. +2 to damage for anyone with a little Arwen or Samwise. This applies to all the would-be parents of Celtic royalty, Saxon bards, and assorted Druids, as well.

  2. Likewise, if there are no Jedi on your homeplanet, it's possible that you shouldn't sell your kid out to George Lucas.

  3. Aesthetically selecting a name from a culture you're not related to, immersed in, or really even vaguely acquainted with is both bad form and an excellent way to end up with a kid who's name translates to "dog food jock strap."

  4. If you've made up a name, please make sure it's decipherable. It's one thing to name your kid Shaya or Raydson. It's entirely another to name your kid Cheighye or Rhaihdghson.

  5. Despite deciding that "Danger" or "Racer" or "Steele" would make a totally rad name when you were in the 2nd grade and really thought Transformers were tubular, perhaps you should re-think those long held dreams and opt to not saddle your kid with something that makes them sound like a unpurchased five and dime action figure.

Little Eukanuba Suspensor thanks you for number three.

Posted at 9:32 AM to Next Generation


TrackBack: 11:52 AM, 27 April 2007
» I Went To School With 27 Jennifers from Hit Coffee
Veronica Nichols comes up with rules for naming kids: 1. If your kid isn't ever going to live on Middle Earth, then maybe, just maybe, it's really not okay to peg your child as being the progeny of total dorks for the rest of their lives....[read more]

And here I was planning to name my firstborn "Thunderbird."

Posted by: McGehee at 8:03 PM on 19 April 2007

So much for my aspirations of raising young "Nyarlathotep".

Posted by: Adam at 10:27 PM on 19 April 2007

Then there are those people who thought they were making up a name, only later to find out that they named the child after something ridiculous, like Shalaylee/Shillelagh. (For those not versed in Irish history or post WWII cartoons, a shillelagh is a wooden club, typically made from a stout knotty stick, with a large knob on the end.)

Posted by: Dan B at 10:51 PM on 19 April 2007

In a small Oklahoma town in 1970...Honker and Pooky. They were twins. I am not kidding.

Posted by: Aero at 11:09 PM on 19 April 2007

HONKER AND POOKY? Ooh. That's... bad.

Posted by: Veronica at 11:30 AM on 20 April 2007

Dan B, I'm guessing that poor child probably wound up with the nickname "Knothead."

Posted by: McGehee at 2:32 PM on 20 April 2007

Oh, and by the way, in answer to the question I was hoping for but never got: the second kid was going to be named Outlook Express.

Posted by: McGehee at 2:33 PM on 20 April 2007

My guess was that the sibling would have been named Mogen David.....

Posted by: unimpressed at 4:38 PM on 20 April 2007