The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

25 June 2007

Strange search-engine queries (73)

The editor, said Adlai Stevenson, is the person who separates the wheat from the chaff — and then prints the chaff. One might say, therefore, that this is the only section of the site that is truly edited.

organized people are just too lazy to look for things:  Which, you have to admit, is a powerful argument for getting organized.

antique decorated crock:  Barbara Walters is getting a wardrobe upgrade?

finger of fudge:  Because even Keebler elves need prostate exams.

value of pawn items:  About a third of what the guy pawning it hoped he'd get.

john: chronic stoner emo ranger:  Because Lebowski was, like, too animated.

song "Driving in Massachusetts":  I assume this is not Suzi Quatro's "48 Crash."

weird jobs measuring mens penises:  Have you looked on Monster?

codger, geezer, duffer, coot:  A lost John le Carré novel, I assume.

benjamin franklin's reasons for dating older women:  Well, inasmuch as he was born in 1706, he's over 300 now. What chance does he have with a 22-year-old?

correlation of fart velocity and sphincter diameter:  This assumes some familiarity with Bernoulli's principle; I assume we're dealing with compressible flow.

refloration surgery:  Not covered by insurance.

can I see a eight inch penis:  Sure. It's the four-inchers you have trouble seeing.

wixom ford plant turned into six flags:  No shortage of bumper cars.

Posted at 6:25 AM to You Asked For It

Well, there goes any fear I might have had of being tempted by Keebler cookies, ever again.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:01 AM on 25 June 2007

I seem to remember that Ben Franklin had 20 or so illegitmate children, meaning he was apparently "dating" any woman he could.

Posted by: Dan B at 2:53 PM on 25 June 2007

1. Because they have more Knowledge of the world, and their Minds are better stored with Observations; their Conversation is more improving, and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand Services, small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly procured may be attended with much inconvenience.

4. Because through more Experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation; and with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old Woman, who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his manners by her good Councils, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a Basket, and reggarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are gray, the Pleasure of Corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal and frequently superior; every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The Debouching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend making an old Woman happy.

8th & lastly. They are so grateful!!!"

Posted by: Steven at 5:04 PM on 26 June 2007