The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

23 September 2007

Getting one's cover letter read

I hate to say so, but sometimes you need to embellish the truth just a little:

I am writing to let you know of my interest in the Performance Management Analyst position you have posted on Monster.com.

My background is diverse and includes all of the skills and qualities you have listed in the posting. I have a great deal of experience working with and analyzing data, am an expert level user of most MS Office products including Excel and Access, and am also omniscient which comes in extremely handy for long and short term projects that require multi-tasking.

Most recently I have been working as a Software Trainer and Management Consultant in the veterinary industry. My outgoing personality, solid knowledge of small businesses, computers, and relational databases and the fact that I have the ability to know everything and be everywhere at once have been the key to my success in this position. I have a knack for problem solving, excellent communications skills and a magic cape that enables me to not only fly but also become invisible at will.

Your advertisement piqued my interest as my ideal career path will incorporate my unique combination of analytical skills, people skills and dark magic. In fact I could easily be described as an "outgoing analytic". I hope, for your sake and for the sake of your children, when you read this along with my resume that you will be interested in talking to me in person about the opportunities you have available and how I can be an asset to your organization. Otherwise the angels will weep for you.

I admit I have a problem with that magic cape: as I understand them, they can provide flight or invisibility, but I've never seen one perform both functions. (Even cooler would be if you had access to both functions simultaneously, but I suspect this will not be possible until the general availability of Cape 3.0 functionality.)

The omniscience, however, is probably the greater asset, since she'll know to send this only to people who will hire her.

Posted at 2:36 PM to Dyssynergy


Hey! That's my resume!

The cape's currently at the dry cleaner, though.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at 6:33 PM on 23 September 2007

I'm sure I will fly when someone finally hires me, but for now I can tell you I am certainly invisible.

Posted by: abroad at 6:59 PM on 23 September 2007

Oh, you know how it is. If you start using one superpower at work, they'll want you to use them all. Xray vision, laser eyes, superhuman strength - they'll never be happy, always wanting more.

Posted by: Jeffro at 11:12 PM on 23 September 2007

If I'm reading this correctly, after initially blowing her off, they're reconsidering.

Posted by: CGHill at 11:36 AM on 30 September 2007