The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

28 November 2007

How to threaten a book

Dorothy Parker once characterized a book as "not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force." I've read a few like that. But it takes a truly craptacular tome to be worthy of this torment:

"I will rip your pages out of your spine. One by one. I'm sure you will make some very delightful tearing noises."

Good gods, that's heinous. Al sounded appalled.

Septimus blanched at the sorcerer's remark.

"And then," Blackthorne continued in a lascivious tone, "I'm going to soak you in a nice vintage liqueur and slowly burn each page with one of those branding irons master chefs use to caramelize crème brûlée."

I get the impression that S. Y. Affolee, who created this scene for her 2007 NaNoWriMo work, Vellum and Green Vitriol, has read more of said craptacular tomes than anyone should have to — and this is payback well deserved. Certainly the tormentor seems to be enjoying himself.

Posted at 5:03 PM to Almost Yogurt


I'd be more inclined to do something similar to a movie "adapted" from books I've enjoyed. Invariably, the movie is so drastically changed as to be virtually unrecognizable as the same story.

Posted by: unimpressed at 5:57 PM on 28 November 2007

I've seen some books that, the only way those trees deserved to die for such a fate, is if even termites couldn't stand the taste of the wood.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:44 PM on 28 November 2007

"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out...."

Posted by: Kirk at 9:32 AM on 29 November 2007

"a movie "adapted" from books I've enjoyed"

Cut all those reels of acetate up into individual frames, fold 'em in half, and then sell 'em to bad amateur musicians as guitar picks?

Posted by: Old Grouch at 9:17 PM on 29 November 2007

Too much effort, Grouch, and I believe that it would be less fun than feeding the screenwriter one end of the reel of acetate until it pops out his/her other end then tying it to the bumper of a car, any car, then having someone drive the car away rapidly.

I'd imagine a reaction somewhat like what you get from a cat that eats Christmas tree tinsel.

Posted by: unimpressed at 4:38 PM on 30 November 2007