The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

23 November 2007

The carat/stick approach

If you're a single woman with the intention of not remaining so, I urge you to consider the construction of one of these:

The Engagement Ring Dossier (the ERD) is literally a dossier, created by your lady, filled with all the relevant information that a man needs to know when purchasing an engagement ring. It can include all manner of materials; in addition to basics like ring size and preferred diamond cut, it can include pictures, diagrams, drawings, locations of preferred jewelers, do's and don'ts, top ten lists, etc. Nothing must be considered understood, and every last detail should be covered (for example, do not assume, ladies, that your man is not going to somehow sneak a Philadelphia Eagles logo on the underside of the ring band). The ERD is supposed to be a self-contained unit, something a man with an IQ of 80 and the refinement of a bag of rusted springs can receive, digest, and take into a jewelry store to sit down with the jeweler to figure out the ideal ring.

The creator of this concept says that the guy should encourage his intended to produce this thing well in advance, so that when the time comes, he'll have the necessary information at hand and can pop the question with maximum dramatic, or at least gemological, impact. I'd go beyond that: I think she should make one of these anyway, whether she has anyone in mind or not, and if things get to the point where it becomes a possibility, she should "accidentally" leave it out where he can discover it.

There is a downside to this approach, which may be summed up thusly: "Do you really want to marry some guy who goes through the stuff you accidentally leave out?" But if said guy quails at the thought of ring-shopping (as I do, not that there's any possibility that I'd need to be doing any), and you'd just as soon not get something that looks like it was recommended in a Dave Barry column, this may be a viable solution.

Posted at 9:03 AM to Table for One

I'd recommend trading that piece of paper for one printed with these rules.

In the interests of disclosure, I must reveal I'm still single. Application of my advice may not obtain the results desired.

Posted by: Jeffro at 9:49 AM on 23 November 2007

I found a dossier to be unnecessary. Ours worked like this:

1) Decide to get married.

2) Give long speech about how price of rings will directly affect our ability to eat.

3) Hand over credit card, send wife to ring store, cross fingers.

Worked out okay for us. Been married for 12 years now. (Should have the rings paid off in another 12 -- I kid, I kid ...)

Posted by: Rob "Flack" O'Hara at 2:25 PM on 24 November 2007

So when De Beers says "a diamond is forever," they're talking about the payments?

Posted by: CGHill at 3:25 PM on 24 November 2007

See, things like this are why I wonder what's wrong with me that more men aren't beating down my door to marry me. I'd be happy with Any Damn Old Ring, if the chap offering it were My One True Love or some semblance thereof.

I don't know; things like this irritate me because to me they seem to reinforce the image of woman-as-golddigger. If I wanted a damn diamond ring, I could buy it for myself (As the diamond companies are fond of pointing out and advertising with their "right hand rings"). But I don't, it's not something I care about, I mean the physicality of the ring. (I had a friend who was concerned about "conflict diamonds" and asked her intended to find her a more-or-less "native" stone. He bought her a ring with, IIRC, a Canadian amethyst in it and she was happy.)

What the ring REPRESENTS - the commitment is what's important. Perhaps that's why marriage these days is in such a sorry state; people have come to believe the thing is more important than what it signifies.

(rant mode /off)

Posted by: fillyjonk at 4:22 PM on 24 November 2007
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