The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

14 December 2007

An 80 percent chance of panic

Snow's in the forecast, and suddenly Lawn Guyland doesn't seem so far away:

You would think they'd never seen snow before the way they react when there's a storm coming in. It's a weird phenomenon that strikes whenever more than five inches of snow is predicted around here. People start acting as if they had lived in pure sunshine and heat the whole time. OMG! White stuff falling from the sky! We're all gonna DIE! Please. You all drive Lincoln Navigators and Hummers with twelve-wheel drive. The town will clear the roads within 24 hours and your kids will be pelting the toddler across the street with snowballs within two.

I don't know what everyone gets uptight about. And I certainly don't know why they all feel the need to run to the grocery store as soon as Sam Champion says the word snow. It's just a gut reaction in Long Islanders, I guess. HOLY SHIT! It's going to SNOW! Gather the children! Man your posts! DEFCON ONE! And, like a sea of panicky lemmings, they drive en masse to their local delis and supermarkets and Dairy Barns, stocking up on milk and bread. Yes, milk and bread. It's an interesting phenomenon and I'm not sure if it's indigenous to Long Island, but it's been around for as long as I can remember. There must be some forgotten urban legend that wove its way around the Island decades ago. A suburban family wakes one morning to find that it has snowed. The mom g