The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

10 December 2007

Serious pest control

Why I'm glad my children are grown:

Teens across the area are constantly getting themselves into trouble. They are mischievous by nature, and fall down chimneys, get stuck in woodstoves and squeeze their way into places they shouldn't be. We have removed teens from just about every part of the house at one point in time.

"It sounded like a party in my attic!"

"We were unknowingly running a bed and breakfast for teens!"

If you've made comments like these, you're not alone. These are actual testimonials from people who've had their sanity restored after using our teen removal service.

While many people think teens are adorable, clever little creatures, homeowners know them to be destructive, dangerous, loud and annoyingly persistent pests. Teens can cause significant damage now and leave your home vulnerable to hazards later on.

Oh, wait. Did he say "teens"?

Scratch that:

I wrote [this] column by taking a squirrel removal service's advertisement and replacing the word "squirrel" with the word "teen." As the father of two teens, I can tell you it works surprisingly well.

Come to think of it, no child of mine has ever managed to get stuck in a woodstove.

(Via Bitter Bitch.)

Posted at 12:37 PM to Dyssynergy


When the squirrels start driving like maniacs while texting their buddies on their cell phones, then I'll believe they're interchangeable.

Posted by: McGehee at 6:02 PM on 10 December 2007

Hear, hear!!! Both are terrorists, just in different ways.

Posted by: GradualDazzle at 8:26 PM on 10 December 2007

Stuck in a wood stove? No.

Smelted lead in a wood stove before the parental units got home for the evening?

Uhm - yep.

Posted by: Mel at 10:40 PM on 10 December 2007