The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

28 February 2008

Is it March yet?

I seldom have anything nice to say about February, given its position near the end of winter when you're pretty much fricking sick of the cold, the necessity of having to think about its pronunciation — there's an R in there you're not allowed to elide for some reason — and the fact that right in the middle of it is Unattached People Just Might As Well Kill Themselves Day (thanks to Fillyjonk for the nomenclature).

So I appreciated this so much more:

Everyone had that kid in high school. You know, the one that was teased for being geeky and really short. Of course he eventually grows up and his formerly geeky ways manifest into some sort of genius. And now he's a millionaire and ready to hand out personalized cans of whoop ass to those who teased him mercilessly for being short. He shows up each year for impromptu reunions, still short but now with his very own yacht and super enhanced ass-kicking mechanism.

February is like that kid. Always and forever short but now prepared to wreak havoc on every poor soul who once uttered how useless and possibly annoying the entire month seems to be. February obviously didn't stop to think that maybe people have been mean to it because it goes around being all violent and kicking people in the head once a year.

It is apparently not true, as we were once told, that February achieved its one distinction — shortness — due to the egos of a pair of Caesars who wanted their months, dammit, to have a full 31 days. My own thinking is that all the other months should have 32 days, 31 being a difficult number to work with, and eleven times thirty-two being 352, this would cut February down to a mere two weeks or less, a boon to everyone with the possible exception of the guy who has to sell ad space in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Posted at 8:00 AM to Almost Yogurt